thursday the 21st

so.... frustrated.... tired....... ready to give in. why is it so hard to be loveable? or what i mean is-- to be loved? if you really love someone, you don't forget about them. you don't neglect them, or leave them to.... shiny devices, do you?

i can turn to art to help my problems go away. but art isn't a solution, because i'm always faced with the same problem. if i'd found a solution, i wouldn't be having this problem now. if i had a solved problem, i'd be craving to do art anyway.

i like.... decoration. red, pale.

it was really cold tonight. i left next at 9, watched the eclipse from the courtyard. 2 hours later, i headed back. really, really cold. the only jacket i had on was one black one. being numb helped the pain temporarily...
the heater in lobby 7 made me feel better. i'm still cold, i want to take a shower.



now, what does it take to be broken...?
God is the solution.




***

although... my nose is really sore now from 3 days straight of kleenex.

it's my fault because i give up on trying to love people who i don't think will love me back.
and those who i think might... i've tried so many times already, tried so hard. what have i ended up with?
every time i get closer and closer, so much more inspired... to give up.

that if we live on a planet with population: one person, it's better to die to be with someone than to have the joy of one self.
it's better to be in anguished pain than to end up in that situation. so if you think more of one hurt, maybe... maybe you can forget about the other.
that means
if it's physical- think about people who care. who are they? they matter more than you do. it'll be all right.
if it's emotional....

a black hole?
no such luck, kid.


i'm not made for MIT: i can't learn to make robots, and i can't learn to be a robot.