what now?

i am ready to get a gun and shoot myself. i just got my german test back... i got a B-. i probably got a B on the first test, and i remember i had a C on the last one. so what do i do now? my friend is going to be here tonight. i have hula practice from 8-11 that i can not miss. i was planning to start doing work for urop lab right now-3:30, until 7 tonight so that i may get at least a bare minimum done that my advisor asked. especially since i haven't had a chance to do much for her yet so far.

but i have another german test tomorrow. and this time, i haven't even started looking at the chapter yet. i usually put off most- like half- of the studying until right before the test, but this time i've done nothing.

this morning i went right into 7.02 just about ready to fail. the test wasn't too bad, but i didn't do super great on it. i only started studying around midnight.

i have a 7.02 lab results writeup due tomorrow.

i don't think i'll be looking at my testimony much today.


my friend from NJ is getting in around 8ish tonight, yes, when i have hula practice that i can't miss. i still have to clean my room.


what do i do? i could complete the bulk of whatever studying i'll attempt to do for german- at this moment, for the next many hours, until practice comes,
or i could stick with my original plan and start doing urop work.

if i don't go to lab, i'll have to come in this weekend, while my friend is here (she came to hang out with me). and that will take many, many hours- it could take an entire day. while the anime convention is going on.

if i don't study for german now, i probably won't... ever. and score a 30% with luck on the test.

i'm getting baptized sunday night, and easter service is going to be ~6am.

i wish i could go to sleep because i keep falling asleep in my classes.


i need to have lab work done by the time i leave, by the time sunday comes around, so i can print out all of the slide pictures to analyze while i'm at home.




except for when i go home, my cousin will be there 80% of the time, to hang out with me
and i have not yet caught up in any 7.05 material since the last test, for the past few weeks.
that is a few days' worth of reading and cheat sheet making.




what do i do...?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
besides failing at my commitments to everyone, i've already done that, and i still am. so many missed hula practices, missed meetings, but i still have failed tests and assignments.

i can't even stay your friend because i fail to see you often at all.
like, i haven't been to church/bible study that much in the past months.

where is this life now....

MOVIE!!!!

so here it is, the film that broke my back... we had THREE days to make it. filming, editing, make the music, finish the script..... get it all together... we started editing at 2 in the morning, didn't sleep, didn't go to class, and barely got it done by the time it was due, at 7pm. poor farre, we put everything into this. but she's an awesome director, cameraman, music composer and editor!! =)

every scene makes me laugh, though i would laugh more if it made you laugh as well. :P

here is a link to the video...... although i despise the lags experienced from watching it online ><
http://www.ourstage.com/video/channel/3-short-films/EAJYIBZVGPJR-city-of-cranes

the title? it was going to have a random shot of a construction crane in it, but we didn't have time -____- we didn't think of a better title, either.



so....
just know

- it wasn't intended to be silent
- it was not intended to be depressing
- it was supposed to turn to color at the end
(the script was changed at the last minute... although it was never finalized, haha)
- it was never finished because we ran out of time ='(



how many times can you spot kerigan? ;)



i hope.... you enjoy it =/

what does it mean, this faith thing

because sometimes i know it, and sometimes i don't.
(super-testimony, i hope you can try to bear with me on the length and read through it!)



we just watched the prince of egypt at bible study, it was AMAZING!!! anyone who hasn't seen it has to. amazing graphics... great music... a moving story. my favorite part was the song in the middle by tzepporah's father, about how the value of your life is measured from the view of heaven.


so.. being christian. i always forget what that means, and therefore i have problems. i forget because i am forgetful, and that is something that i know for my lifetime won't get any better, just worse. so how should i overcome that?
write out what i feel IS to love and know God... while I know. =)


first, this is how i tend to start off each day, blank, and let's walk through how i interpret faith.
with a forgetful mind, here is a bland textbook answer i can read to try to suck meaning out of-

random passage i opened bible to example:
romans 1: 29-31.
They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless.

Okay, so don't do any of that. Humble yourself, watch what you do, don't think mean thoughts about people. Don't, don't, dont this and that. got it?

So many things to say about God, but i think that understanding God's message truly involves.. something like a bottleneck. you can see His words from every side, there are so many things to be said and heard. but what about the words? They are commands, examples, values to adopt and copy in your own life. great. Just what we need, more advice on how to live life to be happier. and, these are 'truths.' that means- if i ask you, what's really true in this world of deceit and lies where things are so precarious? and my programmed answer to you is going to be ---because I am a "christian," (whatever that means)--- God's words. okay.. are you sure? Yes, and I will die for it if I have to. <-- this is the response handed to me by the booklist of 'shoulds' and 'shouldn'ts'.

....but.. if i was really about to die, could i hold fast to that answer?



back to the bottleneck: how close can you actually get to the bottle... how well can you know the contents, closely analyzing every side, without being IN the bottle? well, how many things can I tell you about Christian life that you can reiterate back to me, if you wanted to be a "Christian person"? I could tell you everything. I could give you many commands, many reasons WHY you should obey God. but... that only goes so far!! right? If you feel very bad about your life right now, I highly doubt that some purely philosophical or righteous guidance will get past your barrier of defense which has been put up to guard against all the other things life has thrown at you. even maybe guaranteed motivators, wonderous promises of what will come later... maybe that would spark you to OBEY.

more examples of "what I should do", taken from a few sporadic journal entries from my devotionals this semester:

• set my heart on things above: hope for, and want what's in heaven. strive to earn it.
• have faith that God will provide- don't get worried or doubtful.
• trust in Christ = be freed of yourself, don't worry about material things, or ephemeral shininess of earthly life.
• go out and produce fruit - work to let other people see God's love through your life.
• aim for: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Thank you, galatians 2:22.
• Jesus died for you, so you should live for Him.
• james 5: 7-12, be patient and enduring until the Lord's coming. so this Christian thing, don't stop. you'll be judged for your life, for all this, so do as God says every time it is 'today.'
• memorize God's word, be familiar with the Bible. also, follow it.

blah blah blah blah blah this is great advice, but what does it MEAN.

i can read all that, and think- great, I've read that so many times before. so......?

so, what is the most important thing in life.
to love God.

[if you truly love God, you've found the bottleneck- and can peer into the true meanings of God's words, with a real passion for obeying Him and sharing His love.]

(like dave JDSN asked: do you want God, or do you want something from God?)

okay then, God- i love you. now what?



no, that's not right. do you understand the meaning of "love"?

I'm sure I do, I hear it all the time.

well, you might not.

consider this.
who do you love most? what do you treasure? what things shall rule your life?


(unanswered questions)
........................................

the bible, I think most of it is composed of 3 things: facts/numbers, commands, and stories.

stories.... are the most important part. why stories? not only to give examples of how to live for God and to teach us what is really right and wrong, but...

to prove that God is THERE, and that He loves us. this is a real history, nothing to doubt about it. all of this happened.
moses really saved his people out of egypt, and God did all that for him.

.........
do you know what it's like to truly, emotionally be in love?

that-- that is what God wants you to feel for Him back.

yes, real love. but how?

on the subject of what God did for moses and the israelites, think about what God has done for you.


well, what has God done for me? this is that testimony thing::::: to share how my life has been changed by Christ.


how has my life been changed?

in summary, i thought i was a great christian since high school. i'd looked at every word in the bible from cover to cover (many of them, twice?) and got a little meaning out of it some nights. otherwise, i asked God for what i needed, and things were great.

then i came to MIT. it was hard. really, really hard. i hated the first year.. that was total misery, worse than i've ever endured before. and, at one point, (in fact, it is the first bible study that i took notes on!) dave JDSN challenged us: he said there are 3 kinds of people you find in church..

1- they try to be christian, they struggle in prayer and take sanctification seriously.
2- they live like christians, trying to be like one but they aren't actually. they go to church and pray with babbling asking for blessings, but God is not really in their heart. they are powerless.
3- seekers interested in knowing Jesus.


Yes, #2... that was me. and as soon as he said it, i knew it. i knew it deep inside of me, and knew even long later when i briefly thought about this kind of thing that #2, the worst kind of christian, was me. because all i ever asked God for was what i needed... that was only when i needed it, or sometimes i still needed it but didn't make the effort to ask. i didn't even understand what he really meant by #1, that baffled me. i thought that spending an HOUR a day in prayer was totally outrageous and didn't understand how people could ever come up with that much stuff to ramble to God about, trying too hard to be holy. no, i didn't really think God had that much power in my life. sure, He's real i guess? and stuff, but not really worth much effort.. on my priority list, church + God ranked ~ 4th place. although, i really made an effort to make myself always be at church, always at bible study. i wanted people to recognize that i was dedicated to this group, like wow- she goes to church every single time. and usually, the messages made me happy about my life, they gave me hope things might get better. but I didn't get any better, to God. i just constantly convinced myself that I was a good Christian, I was saved... I was a #1, I had to be. well, I wanted to be. even in the afterthoughts this year i've realized how pointless it was for me to keep on going to church last year, except to build relationships with absk members as a social thing and have great bible study notes for all the times i went that i can now look back on. (which i can now comprehend so much more!!)

[ continuing the story, copied and pasted from testimony draft: ]


My freshman year, I really hated being at MIT. My life was straight downhill from a low start, and I often found myself alone in my single room... which really turned into a jail cell that I hated more than school itself as I often cried about my pointless existence on this earth, so far away from my family. I didn't really make any friends first semester, which was a big mistake; I was so used to people coming to me to be my friend since I used to be so shy. Now I just faced work all the time. WORK, and I had no one who really cared about me. My life couldn't get any worse, and I barely made an effort to ask God to make things better. I didn't really think He could do anything for me, He was just God, that omniscient being. So I went home that summer, and completely forgot about what it means to really be Christian again in a family that I realized was pretty non-religious. Summer wasn't bad, but then sophomore term came around, and I hit the lowest point of my life... many of my morals were torn down as I got caught up in a myriad of highly self-destructive sins, things that I convinced myself were okay because I was so desperate for acceptance and friendship. I didn't know how else to go about grasping for meaning in difficult directions. I couldn't escape the cycles I got myself into, though many times I was "worn down"... yes, worn DOWN to begging God to bring me out of this misery. I ultimately felt very far from God, as I had always been aware of... because He is just soooo good, why should a terrible sinner like me even bother to talk to Him. but there-- bother. I therefore acted like I was too good for God, like He couldn't solve any of my problems anyway and yes, it took all of that suffering to bring me down to really begging for help. but... getting out of this mess? that would be so unlikely anyway! because there weren't any signs of hope for me in any direction, just the far, far off joy of getting to go home eventually. and that's what i struggled to live for. last semester was a really hard time for me, and many times i was ready to give up on life.

During the last bible study of last October, Dave JDSN addressed the stabbing incident that had taken place in my own dorm here at MIT. He talked about marriage, relationships, and all the sin that was caught up in today's society, contrasted with God's will. I realized that what I was living was really, really wrong, and that I just had to face myself.... somehow. I'd been so excited to go to fellowship that day since it would be my first time ice skating (which I've really, really wanted to do since coming here), but I couldn't go anymore. I had to go home and think about what to do possibly do about my messed up life. Maybe pray about it? Maybe, but that never really did much for me. But then, Helen invited me to go out with her to talk about it, one-on-one. I was a little afraid and reluctant, but... what else did I have left? Not a lot. So we went out, and I shared with her everything that had been going on in my life... admitted to all the self- destruction that had erupted out of sheer desperation.... which of course, had never solved my problems, not even temporarily-- it just tended to make things worse. basically, I was so lost. I also told Helen about a dream I had recently that felt really realistic. It's short: it was during a time of war in boston, at night. I was in a house, and my family was there- everyone was afraid. i just remember this one moment, in slow motion I looked out the window at a lake and saw this life-shattering ball of light expanding... we were all about to die. i looked back at my family, and tried to tell them that I loved them. and then I tried to pray. I asked God to forgive me everything I've done in life, and to take me to heaven. I really thought I was going to die, in my mind. I frantically begged Him, but at the same time I didn't really mean what I was saying- it was just thing I had to do in the process of going to heaven, ask for blanket forgiveness and get rewarded in the end. but when death came, everything just turned black. I kept on asking.... and everything was still black around me. completely empty. I waited, and waited... and nothing happened. I thought I was SO sure that God was supposed to take me to heaven, but... i just experienced darkness.


Helen said God was really trying to get my attention. She shared with me some of her testimony, and explained to me that we all have this God-shaped void in our hearts... and that nothing I tried to fit in there would ever fulfill me. She challenged me to just talk to God about my problems, and seek Christ for fulfillment in anything that I needed. I got home very late that night, and I could have just gone to sleep as I might have usually... but I decided to try talking to God.
It was so, so hard to get myself to do, but I did it... (since Helen reminded me that no sinner is beyond God's reach, and we all need our Creator.) .....through many hours of intense, honest, humbled prayer I poured out everything that was in me to Him. and God, in return, graced me with a miraculous awakening to His presence. God WAS really real, He WAS all-powerful, He was totally watching over my life the whole time, no matter how much I'd ignored Him........ He DID want to get to know me personally. (!) that was a huge realization for me, something very new. a personal relationship.
and with that, I finally learned what it means to love God. I realized that everything I'd been reaching for blindly in my darkness was nothing but me trying to make food out of dirt. The earthly things that I clinged to so tightly, things that did nothing for me... I could at last let go. Jesus was able to take away the burden of all my sin, and I was finally free. Helen was absolutely right, as doubtful as I was that anything would ever get better. After all of my going-through-the-motions, I had finally really experienced God's love beyond [getting whatever earthly things I asked for].

It was then that I was convicted to be baptised so that that I may dedicate my life to His will, and not my own. Yes, God is real and loves me, how foolish to be confused about that!

So what's happened to me since then? Of course, that's all that really matters- how Christ has changed my life. right?

Well, since that time, I still faced battles with my old nature for the next couple of months. Satan wouldn't let my life be all good after that. At times I really struggled to be with God again, as my old self just automatically took over and things got hard. but on other days I was simply overjoyed to know Jesus, no matter what the circumstances were. In the hard parts, I think I just wore out poor Helen who tried to tough things out with me, because for the longest time I just could not get past my sins. I think sometimes I was sososo stubborn that people were probably tempted to give up on me. But they didn't, and I really pursued trying to have good faith in Christ, through prayer and petition to help me break out of my cycles of sin-- to work on getting to know God personally. and slowly but surely, God did His miracles in me. I've since been freed of many destructive things that once had a stronghold on my life, as Christ has with His miracles fulfilled my needs, my emptiness, my desperation to feel loved. It's like I'm suddenly able to let go of terrible things, because I can be satisfied with Christ. I never, ever would have believed that half a year ago. Though I have to be honest, it's really been a rollercoaster, my relationship with Jesus, unfortunately. Because yes, I forget His love so easily. But I'm not letting go of my conviction for what it means to LOVE God in return. To really try to talk daily to Christ, and to also really struggle to fully deny myself before God- to accept and realize that there is so much that I don't know, (you don't know what you don't know!) and to be humbled in complete honesty before Him. to know that you are not worth anything in the end, that you -need- forgiveness that you just do not deserve, and to recognize self-righteousness when it creeps up on you.. as if i have a right to ever feel proud, or special, or important. it is sooo hard to fight that, but also sooo necessary. we must also recognize that we have bad sins that we are not aware of! we all prefer to ignore it, because it is easy and more comfortable that way. yeah, just keep thinking that you're a little better than your neighbor since you do X and Y which they don't do. what a terrible way to think! just like the Pharisees demonstrated for us =(

so, worst of all, I am still, more than anything else... forgetful. which continually works to uproot my faith, because it makes all of the above very hard for me to make use of and live by, without re-reading or re-experiencing. =( so much, that i can hardly do what I want. thus, I am still so needy. And it's sad-- i forget about what sins i used to recognize in myself. I forget why I believe that Jesus loves me, I forget why devotional is supposed to be so important. my life gets really-incredibly busy, and I forget what God has already done for me. in a flash, it's all gone, so fast. I can't hardly succeed at any of this the way I wish I would.

so the bottom line is: we're all sinners. let that be one thing you don't forget. THAT's why we need God's forgiveness.






and the only way to get to really know God, to love God... is to pray. Pray, and know the bible, because one without the other won't get you nearly as far as to where you need to be. but as long as you have a relationship with God, that is what matters...


so that when you show up at the gates of Heaven, Jesus won't say- sorry, I don't know you?
like this great prose says: (read it slowly!)

On Judgment Day, it will be you and Jesus.

Today, it's you and Jesus.

In the words of an old hymn,
"What will you do with Jesus?
Neutral you cannot be.
For someday your heart will be asking, 'What will He do with me?'"


I hope that He will welcome you with the more joy than you've felt in a lifetime, and you can finally be with God, in peace. =)

[sorry this is slightly unfinished, but ill fix it later, thanks for reading/skimming :P]

done?

with work? for once! ok, so not really- i'm lying. much more to do--but i've done enough this weekend. it's 8:30 at night.. on sunday.... it took me -that- long to finish my work this weekend, that's sad!!! ='( i was going to try so hard to get everything done on SATurday to have one free day, but no T___T

anyway. what do i do now?? it's so weird to be done, (which is sad)... that its kinda depressing. that i dont have anything really great to do, but also that there are so many things i could do (that i can't usually) that.. i can't choose. :( err... and i really need to start working on my testimony v___v always more to do...................

today we had really good food at church, for the ordination of byungho han jdsn ;)