repeating times

completely alone.... in the middle of a crowded room, among that "family of God".



i didnt go to small group today because i couldnt stop crying... in lab. yeah i just fall apart there, it happens when i go through the day working working and then realize that by the time i finish and go home.... i have to go to sleep, and get up to work again.

that's theoretically possible for many people, except that i have no one to go home to ever for an entire week, nobody knows i'm there or what i'm doing and for that my life is VOID of purpose or necessity and i mays well not be alive. especially when the one person i love the most talks to me less and less every day.


...why do i text so much? because the person who is my family, who cares about me every single day, is reachable through my phone. when they don't talk to me i am totally alone. even my boyfriend i only talk to sporadically, he only responds to my texts sometimes.

it is unbelievably hard to live by yourself. in your single room, in your own world 95% of the week. you know what that means? from the point you cease to exist, there is about a one hundred hour delay until the time when someone in the world will notice you missing.

all summer, i haven't had time to read or draw, things i really want to do. if i'm not working, i am fulfilling some kind of commitment to another person that i don't know that well... basically, hanging out. ive never been a big fan of hanging out, because it seems so artificial. yeah, let's spend time because socializing is a good thing. thumbs up. then we move on and go back to our lives. i still don't know you totally well and we may not know each other in a few years.

if there was one person..... who would love all those faults of mine that i struggle through to identify and fix.... i would not, from freshman year to this day, continually find myself in tears about being so alone. having such a meaningless life. i hate myself, a lot. i can't count anymore the times i wish i could just die.


but maybe i don't really want to die, maybe i just wish i could stop everything and take time to be with God. but even with that i get really stubborn and bitter about and fight myself about whether God is even real, until i just end up sleeping.

i can't spark that relationship thing because i have too much sins. i am deceitful, unworthy, insecure, and also perhaps obsessive. and 'busy'.



if i can get through two more years improving from this worthlessness of my life.... that will be my only real measure of success at mit. that, and my relationship with God.

uhhhh.... which comes first?