it's not a big deal

emotional weight:

i am often ready to crawl up and stop existing.

I got flaked out on. why did i get flaked out on? why is he avoiding me? you know what, i'm totally ready to not have a boyfriend. if I did that, he and I would both have a mental collapse. yes. but the reasons why he didn't want to come visit me are too obvious. it's only for a day, there's nothing to do here, he's been busy and has other things to do, i can see him in another month anyway, it sucks for him to have to leave at 4 am on friday when i leave, and probably also that he shouldn't be under my power control or whowhat something like that.

this is only terribly ironic and sad because the same thing happened last year. except last year, I got food poisoning and i was dearly, dearly relying on being able to see him before february, having had a terribly lonely semester. He said, well the weather is bad and maybe you have a stomach virus so it's not worth it for me to come. I curded way the heck out, and "guilted him" into coming to see me for 12 hours. yes, it ended up being worth it for both of us.

maybe now he's thinking i'm not worth it anymore. I mean, we do have a lot of differences. halloween was one of the best times i've had with him, but thanksgiving was a bunt. I use up words when i don't know what it's called. thanksgiving was like... we're really different. awkward-sad-bad let's watch a bunch of movies and okay i'm moving on with life now. perhaps because i initiated the weekend with, "LEO you are not a motivated guy and i need someone who is heading in a direction and makes cool things and is someone I really admire, and you are not like that." what could he say to that? "sorry, i'm trying-" well, i said what i feel. and i still feel that exactly. who he is does not change from month to month regardless of whether i see him or am able to tell him what to do or not.

I am almost pretty much getting my period and that is probably contributing to this internal storm and maybe to him not wanting to come over.

it's fine, he doesn't need to come over anyway because i am busy uprooting my room to take things home for the final semester.



i'll dance all night until my feet bleed
six feet under's where you lie
no remorse, your real thoughts kept you running