sdjfia;sjkdl;sj

why am i continually so disappointed by everyone around me??? am i too picky? :'( do i expect too much out of someone if they say they care about me...? maybe it's just the people i try to be close to. it fails somehow, every time.
probably i have a very low tolerance for ignorance which puts most people out of range? since mit makes you selfish.

but...
people who i thought really matter to me....



if i'm that unlovable, please let me know! and why!
--i haven't sensed that yet, because... basically, i don't think anyone's really tried.


conclusions i've reached after the seventy-first time of awful contemplation on this subject(just this semester):
my expectations are too high.

but that's the way they are.

so... do i not belong here?

in fact, i've thought this out so many times i think it's made a hole in my brain by now. like.. water drops.
enough so that it's a fact of me, and that means i don't care if you know. because either it'll force me to get out of here anyway, or struggle through some alternative solution. and that's the way i've been forced to become, it won't change anytime soon.

............

lounge- minimal brain activity

blah blah blah blah blah i dont want to study 7.033333333333333333

7.05
9.00
7.02
21f.402

perhaps
6.00
18.06
18.03

thats my plan for next semester

i should also....
do something with my life
like maybe take a self-defense PE class.


7.03 final in... 17.5 hours
that's a long time. but not really, there's more to study than i expected...+

9.01
film experience

i'm in 5E small lounge
listening to: ana's music- gwen stefani 4 in the morning
not making cheat sheets
i can't forget my calculator tomorrow again.
gtalk status: psalm 139

...

these are 3 questions my dad always asks when hes just walking around the house and his mind is working minimally

"who am i, where am i, what am i..."
spesh: "daddy!!!"


*****

who am i: an mit student. the world is so busy that only God is my friend at all times
where am i: 32-155. a 5.12 review session for our final in 3 days
what am i: completely empty. again! what has my life come to? what am i doing??
-> (that's what he really means to ask by the random questions.)

don't want to write about bicycle thieves

...cus there's too much to write.


omg i think this is the 34th time i've heard *today* nichole nordeman's LEGACY. help!!!! ><;;; i already overplayed that song to myself and i've had enough T_____T it started this morning on repeat from corinna's room, then continued in the afternoon with the a capella version, then after dinner she played the song while tiff tried to guitar it and esther sang... then corinna left, and ana came to the lounge and started playing it... now corinna is BACK playing the song!!! ohhhmggggggg wtf YOU GUYS!!! why am i still in this lounge X| it bugs me a lot but not enough... i have to write this paper so i can go to sleep...... which won't happen in my room... >/ disdain resentment anger annoyance grudges grief!!! :(

repentance T___T there are worser fates. :/
"don't mind if you got something nice to say about"
35..36... my eye is starting to hurt from this song
TEMPORARY TRAPPINGS OF THIS WORLD!

** oops... it stopped a while ago
an hour later, it's back again..
and an hour later, back again...
.... and back again.....

this has become one of those songs i really don't like. like i DON'T like jack johnson. :(



warning: the following passage is kind of explicit. but my excuse is that i should just be like peter and say the truth of what i feel so i can be rebuked, and my insides can be fixed. i started it, but i don't want to feel this way :(
-------------------------------------------------

one of the people i know... i just don't get. she has SO many friends. i have how many? like not that much. i have our small group! besides that..........
i pretty much spend every day by myself in my room
except occasional random run ins. (including an svs)
she knows people i met before she did, and it's like they hang out all the time? and she hangs out with a lot of people all the time. that means every weekend it's a routine. that means with all these random social events that happened over the years and just come up in conversation (one time me and my friends went to this one place and did such and such that was fun).. because i'm so unsocial in comparison and don't have good friends to hang out with like she does. like.. i'll be in the lounge with the usual people who live on this hall, and they don't talk to me, but they talk to her.
i suck in every way. personality, likeability, worthiness of them to be my friend...
they just have their own great social groups and all the connections between those big social groups and
i never became a part of that in the fall of 2006.

why am i telling you this? i'm not mad at her! or at them. just, i resent my own unworthiness in comparison to the standard of normality placed on the whole of this dorm, and.. west campus. i hate that i have to be so abnormal in many ways on this "cool" backdrop... especially socially when i fail to meet the expectations of the international intellectual world. i'm kind of jealous that she gets such a basic need fulfilled that i struggle with so badly and everyone i wish would notice this seems to just be...
oblivious
next house as a whole feels like it's ostracized me in my own place that i live.
this includes... another example:
this one girl, who i don't really know but she is great. she's so nice, very pretty. and christian. yay. high class asian girl. we met in fpop and then she was in almost all of my classes in the first term. i thought we would be friends. every so often i tried to make conversation.
second semester (i think), i was sitting in 26 talking to another friend who i saw even less and was also in fpop and who was not in this cool girl's classes. but i should note that they are the same race. so the girl walks by as i sit and talk to my friend (who has never been in my classes, but she is more my friend, she has shown to not be judgmental in the same way) and the girl goes, hey guys! and we say hey blah blah. she asks my friend, hey we should eat lunch together sometime, i never see you anymore! shes like yeah, that would be great! etc etc etc.
it's hard to tell from the way i explained it, but considering the context we were each in at that point in time.... that was a reallyyyy awkward, surprising encounter for me. i was pretty shocked that she solely asked her to hang out while i had been through more with her than the other girl... i'm in no way putting down anyone or anything!! but i thought it was kind of frank that she excluded me out of the invitation. her reasons were apparently purely out of more interest for her than for me.. for whichever reason.. she knew me better than she knew her. even if she said, we should all eat lunch! and then it never happened, then fine whatever. but i've been made out to be at a level of worthiness that is definitely lower than my classmates. overall. because i'm undereducated, or being painfully shy as a kid made me too undesirable socially, or the things i like are disagreeable to other people. hmm... people just don't like me ><;;; what's wrong?!!!?!?!?!

yeah, i feel judged and feel like ive been discriminated against by a christian girl. who i totally respect... she's my same major but i'm not good enough to be any part of her life. she's involved in lots of stuff. very talented, respectable. i guess some of the high classers can't associate with the lower ones, which i can see. i can understand, not that it's ok with me.

i could confront her, but maybe it's not that important. maybe i'm just seeing it all wrong; she's never been outright bad to me. just subtle things spell out what she probably thinks of me. then i get bothered and feel so bad.......

how can i deserve anything................ if that's the case, why am i still here?

i resent my life... as usual, i can't wait for it to end. :)

__ are frustrating.

i just got in a fight with someone. it wasn't so much a fight as... major dissonance and then he walked away. i think we disagree on some pretty important things.... but at the same time, we do agree. it just depends on the time of day. i prayed about it and God told me that with people... everyone naturally decides what to do to you based on what you give them. that could be: a good feeling from visual attractiveness, or maybe something about you--like you have glasses, makes you feel like you can relate to them one step further. perhaps they have had good experiences with certain races of people and that makes them feel more comfortable. whatever. it goes for what you give them visually, emotionally, socially, verbally, etc etc complicated others, and.. physically. the body *is* physical. so it matters a lot. but..... the reason some things don't happen is that God doesn't want us to feel unnecessary pain we put ourselves through. even if some things seem great, like drugs, they can have extremely damaging effects. later on.


(i'm hungryyy)

maybe i do care about this person a lot despite what they think of me now, but that means i have to go through lots of pain with them. -____- i resent that ><

hello

hi everyone.

i'm so EXCITED for blogspot!!! :D
thanks yunji!!!! ^_____^

except i have to do work now, and stop procrastinating 7.03

and not stop until finals are over T___T


:(


****

OMG... 2.5 hrs later. esnips is so stupid. there doesnt exist online any copy of 'all we ever needed' as an mp3!!!! ><;;; its impossible for me to put it on this page. :( need to start hw need to start hw

v____v i will have to settle for 'paralyzer'.