long distance

you get in a fight, and you're arguing with this person like you don't know them anymore. But what you do know is that they aren't treating you in a friendly way. You explain to them what you don't like about their behavior (stop treating me like how you act to your parents.) You give examples, and they pick at it saying "well why didn't you bring this up at the time" or "so we didn't end up going that day, why does it matter?"

"No, I'm just explaining that I can't deal with it when you aren't upfront with me about your feelings."

he needs to stop thinking I'm just another person to say "yes" to without even being conscious of what I'm saying. people who do that just want you to shut up and stop talking to them so they can focus on the TV. even though what you're telling them is that they need to do something good for themseleves, which you are explaining to them in the first place because you ACTUALLY CARE about them and their future.


I've been crying all day today. i need to study........... 3 days til the dat


extremely sad right now

x

The social stressors associated with suicide are loneliness, rejection, and marital conflicts in developed countries.

backlog of statuses

6-11
please talk to me like a friend, not a preacher. that just made me say UGH.

6-15
agh just took the midterm DAT and FAILED on the chemistry, i need to study sooo much ><;;

6-20
my birthday was pretty good, i should start a new blog!! ^___-

6-23
omg just saw up with flo (sweet BU friend) and it was good!!

[ yeah so much for starting that blog]

today:
just bought a new CAMERA on ebay!!! woooo so excited, it's a canon sd1200, orange - flo showed me her old sd1000 and it's really awesome. i wanted to get a good, decent one so it cost $175 instead of ~100 for another cheapier model like samsung/nikon/kodak. plus, it's brand new - yesss


so, about starting that new blog.... hmmm... they say it's the way to promote your stuff on etsy. i've made time to make a couple of bears so far and a prototype loch ness monster that needs work but above all i need a camera to get things started.
that's what i tell myself.

right now i'm going crazy because i can't...
i can't get past this thing in life that perpetuates my soul with MEANINGLESSNESS.

there's no one here, ever, for the past 3 years, to be like: hey, remember that time when we did this :)

i am on the path to go through life shooting at whatever star i tell people i'm aiming for.

ALL I REALLY WANT is companionship. give me meaningful days, give me a life that's happy from one day to the next. that means something, that's worth my living breath on this earth.
because i don't see it.

and i keep on saying that i can't take it anymore but each step takes me further to the edge. i can't take it anymore. why am i living?

i've said this repeatedly since the early winter of 2006. i didn't get it.

i still don't get it, but... with maturity i find myself closer to the answer. and the answer is, if you don't like it, don't do it. i'm swearing to myself right now that i don't want to do anything, keep on doing anything-- that is so meaningless. i'm tired of this random random socialization, it serves purely as distration or lessons for life and it's hurting more than it is helping in the companionship department.

... well, i just called leo.. and he says that people fade away. everyone fades, but what you earn for yourself stays with you. so..... i guess i feel better. one step closer to cramming myself through the DAT.

the depression that follows

a very summarized conversation with the smart sam clark

me: hey sam.... i wanted to ask you something psychology-related.

sam: ok, shoot! i love psychology stuff.

me: hmmm.... well, you know i haven't been able to study all day. :( [yesterday] i have no motivation and it's killing me because i'm supposed to study for this DAT, but i just feel alone and bored and i can't make myself do it.

sam: yes, long-term studying like that is very self-motivated and it's tough because unlike a regular class it's at your own pace and etc.

me: yeah, well :( the thing is, for me i feel like i have no one that i'm really close to around here... so it defeats my motivation because i like my life to be propelled by people. if there's someone i really care about around, i can do whatever i need to. otherwise everything seems so pointless. i had this same exact problem a year ago, especially sophomore year and i just could not study when i really needed to. i'd stay up all night and do nothing, it's so frustrating. that happened when i had a really bad relationship experience with jonathan, this jerk of a guy and it was very on/off and a bad experience. but yeah, the times when i would see him and then not see him would leave me in a depressed state of being able to do nothing.
and right now as you know i've been talking to josh less..... >< because he's far away in long island...

sam: ah, yes. i see what's going on here. you have set this primary, high goal for yourself that you want a strong companionship which you place above everything else. now when you fail at that goal, you feel like you let yourself down and all of your other smaller goals like achievements crumble into pointlessness and so you just lose the motivation to work again. a lot of people experience this kind of disappointment and such, even athletes who set goals for themselves to achieve-- when they don't perform how they wanted to, they just feel bad and retreat into losing motivation to do anything else. And especially because you just met josh, so you feel like you finnnallyyy may have achieved this high goal, and now that you're talking less it's even more of a bummer that it's not working out for you right now.

me: gahhh, that's it exactly, all this pointlessness +___+ that's exactly how i feel.
><

sam: yeah, and there was very little sun last week, so your serotonin levels are not sufficient and you are probably being affected by seasonal-affective disorder and it's making you feel more depressed and not motivated. get some sun!!!

me: its fine! ive been outside. i sat in my windowsill today. [before the rain] but... anyways... the thing is, i did really well last semester. I got 4 A's!!! and 1 B.... and i didn't have josh or leo then.

sam: wow that's great!!! :D but you still have to get more sun. and, we have to figure out, what did you do that gave you the motivation to get your work done. was there a lot of stress last semester, or what?

me: yeah, i was taking really easy classes. also, i had a regular ish social life with random people. like for the luau, the hawaii club met up a lot. [ah, also my 9.70 group meetings] and daniela's been here so i have someone to hang out with.

sam: so it sounds like you were able to distract yourself from your failed goal of wanting companionship by filling your life with constant distractions. Also, this phenomenon gets amplified by stress. so probably right now you're feeling pretty stressed about your anatomy and other stuff, while there's hardly anyone around on hall and everybody's gone, etc. but when you could fill your life with distractions in the semester, you could avoid feeling alone and down and just keep doing random things.

me: yeah, that makes a lot of sense! that's what's going on.... so what am i supposed to do right now???

sam: well, so how about leo though? you said your life was better after you met him?

me: yeah it's been great, he definitely keeps me sane. it's just that he's so far away so it doesn't really count for much, and also since he's not in school we can't relate to these kind of things. =(

sam: it sounds like from what you told me that you guys can connect on some level very well, but not in all areas. especially that he's a non-christian, there are definitely some things you're getting frustrated about and from this i would say that you can't connect really, really deeply. For me, i have in my life avoided getting close to anyone who is a semi-match but not a perfect match to my personality. because you are wasting your time! when you get close to someone who isn't a really good match, you lose part of yourself and also you might miss out on a better person that God had planned for you.

me: yeah but!! it's kept me sufficiently happy and i would not regret being with leo, because he makes life okay when it gets bad. plus, if we take the value of happiness on life on the day-to-day scale, shouldn't you be as happy as possible each day of your life? then it makes better sense for me to be with him. Sure yeah, maybe things aren't gonna work out later because there are some big differences there. but it has been worth it making my life better.

sam: but you're still occupying your life with someone who is /not/ the perfect person God intended for you. What if you miss out on that person because you're stuck with leo?! what if you meet him very soon and you're already taken up? but i can't say that being with him is bad or good, maybe leo will become a christian later or he will be the one, or something.

me: ugh, okay-- well whichever, this is still not helping my situation now. i'm supposed to be studying for the DAT!!! how do i do this?? :( i still feel no motivation, i still have no one.

sam: well, the way you do this is you just focus on your smaller goals: you want to do well on the DAT. focus on that. In the semester, besides socializing with random people you also had random fixations on things, and this further distracted you from your disappointment in yourself. So just try to really focus on what you want, and make that one of your fixations. Get more sun!!

Remember that you have nooo control over meeting people. The reason you're so disappointed in your life is because you've been trying to take things into your own hands. All this time, you've been trying to make things work for yourself. What have you even trusted God with over these few years? Name me something.

me: ... uhhh..... hmmm... nothing major that i can explicitly remember...... =/

sam: aagghghh1!!!! see! the point of being a christian is that you trust God with stuff!!! you have hope and faith that He has everything planned out for you, and you just know that right now obviously isn't the right time for you to find that perfect person, because you haven't met him yet. so you still need work! you can't just go find random people and try to make it work when you find that it doesn't and your own efforts just can't compare to God's. you're messing up His plan!

me: yeah... BUT!! what are even the chances of finding a crazy person that would fit me!?!? theres like no chances!!

sam: WELL... the chances are close to zero when you're trying to take matters into your own hands. If i was talking to a non-christian person, i'd say that all they can do is focus on school and just try to hope in the random chance of the universe that they will find what they are looking for. But that's the difference with non-christians! They don't have hope, they don't have the security and trust that we do. Tiffy you're supposed to be trusting God with all of this! That's all you can really do, and just be really, really happy every day with what God has done for you.

me: wow, sam. yeah.....
i guess as you know i was kind of taking a hiatus from absk and stuff this semester.

sam: yes i noticed!! tell me why though.

me: (i tell him problems pertaining to absk and the atmosphere etc: pet phenomenon, invisible pressures, sterility and secrecy of everything)

sam: ahhh wow, i had no idea!! tiffy we should have been talking about this earlier. it's so interesting! and it's so asian. i completely understand everything you're saying, i wonder if there's a way to fix it....
But! it's time to go to bed now, let's definitely continue this conversation tomorrow.



Copyright © God 2009



Sam and i really have a lot in common. he used to wear black pants with decorations like studs and safety pins on them!!! who knew?! i said sam, i didn't know you used to be cool!! he thought that was funny. XD he also has sisters 19, 16, and ~9 which is the mirror of my family except i also have a tiny sister.

and who knew that he's a really strong christian. we had a talk a while back on relationships and finding the perfect person and he's 100% convinced that God has someone lined up for everyone. very encouraging.

sam is sooo funny when he tells his stories and he's so knowledgeable about psychology and relationships in particular. he is incredibly good at identifying people's problems and defining them. But when it comes to solving them, he says... This is the part where you have to trust in God!!

a real blog post

something really amazing happened.

For all those infrequent occasions on which I would talk to God, and wish... ask... hope that He had someone in mind for me. a friend, I've always needed my friend.

In high school i sucked it up and waited it out, not having a best friend. it bored me and made me sad but my family was there, it was all right. i hoped my highest and naive hopes that when i came to college i would find that perfect person! and hopefully at the start.

Come 1, 2, 3 years of being in boston.... every one of ~680 people i met both here and at home (facebook friends), not one of them was my best friend. where were they?? >< through terrible desperate and lonely times i bumbled through life, sometimes seeking God and sometimes trying to figure things out for myself. Dramatic things happened, people and i were messed up - confused - angry - sad - hoping - excited - glad - relieved, every dramatic emotion there is. but nobody really really cared for me hour-by-hour, here so that i could live for them, so we could hang out. all the time. no one despite my desperation. =/

Okay, so anyhow... that's all the miserable part of my life years. and who's to say that it's not still all downhill from here, from my miracle childhood of constant happiness.... [sad nostalgia] but things-

have now changed. at MIT.

i thought, i knew.... from the time i looked at the guide book to the 11 dorms, that i'd find the one i really liked. Senior Haus! I really liked it. i wanted to live there. Parents knew better, parents said NO.

i was forbidden to be with people who potentially shared the same interests and personality style.

so i skipped around a few places and i thought i knew that i was doing the best i could.
finally i had strong feelings that i finally needed to be where i really wanted to be. so i moved out of the place from prisonary solitude and into the fiery pit of hope.
Hmmm... most of an academic year went by, and i hardly talked to anyone in this place. suitemates were nice, thankfully. then



Tuesday after my one 24.08 philosophy final:
i wandered around into the courtyard, where Paula C. with purple hair, a girl who's always nice to me, was hanging out. Chances are she or Dorota was tire-swinging. A cool thing to watch.
I sat on the cement willing to socialize for a change, to pass the time now that I was partially free, to try to meet just a few more people. I should have known so many more by now ><;;

Paula was there, and a boy with pinkish purple-faded hair. which seems to be often in his eyes. she introduces me to him... josh. and goes swinging. Alison comes by, paula's best friend/roommate, and they sit and talk. i just hang out. At some point we all get on the bench over by the wall to spy on Hockfield's backyard and some caterers are there for a dinner party. Hmmm.

finally, paula and alison wander off and another guy is in the courtyard, swinging and josh is talking to him. This is awkward, my friend is gone... but I want to talk to josh some more..... well, after mulling around a little aimlessly i go back inside to the lobby. Hmm, that black guy wearing a purple shirt against proposition 8 is here. he has rainbow suspenders and he was cracking his genuine whip out in the courtyard. now that he's on the computer i wander over and talk to him about his shirt. He says some random things.. then he walks away to go back outside. Uhhh... hmmmm...

I was left sitting on the couch as (stephen?) walks out, and josh wanders in.... i can tell from the past half an hour that he's a really nice and considerate person. he wouldn't leave anyone out, and he knows a bit what you're feeling. did he come in looking for me? this is awkward, im just sitting there. does he care?
"Hey -- hanging out?"
"uhh, I was talking to stephen but he just walked out... lol"
"oh. =)"

then we ended up talking. he likes to build things, while i'm a lazy bio major not really interested in knowing how things work but more about the ease of the course through memorization rather than genius smarts. this kid seems pretty smart.

Then we say bye, and I add him as a friend on facebook. ...... his name is "josh muffinator." a gmail search shows one of the few emails he sent to the house was interlaced with "muffins." huh? I ask him on facebook, and apparently he just really likes muffins, nothing else connotated by the word. =)
I say, if he really insists on liking them so much I will have to bake some for him! i admire people that have passion for something.

So a day later I grab muffin mix.

Another day later i tell daniela we have to bake them. I will give some to him and some to the hall before they leave.

But... seems I got too much mix and not enough cups or tins. I email out to the dorm and ask for them... of course josh has tons! So i go to get them from him (there's like 10 muffin trays in the drawer) and he offers to help.. "If you want to help me. =)" yay! now we get to bake together....

We start baking in 2nd ware and make the chocolate ones first. Then daniela comes in to help but accidents happen and then she leaves. so.. then we experiment with baking and add to the plain muffin mix (no canned cruddy blueberries) sprinkles, marshmallows, stale honeycomb cereal, cinnamon, and oregano.

Hmmm.. then we're pretty tired because we both like to sleep early so forfeit the chocolate chip/cornbread mixes.

While waiting on the oven we talk... a lot. =)

he doesn't drink
he doesn't smoke
he doesn't do drugs (he tried a couple but is done)
he almost would have been a virgin but for a regreful event and now is a celibate person.


Now, the chances of all of these things being true in Senior is small, but in the view of little faith common sense would say that there's probably a strong correlation between all those values- if you have some, you have the others. :) including being a morning person! which I really am at this point in life. XD

So we're done baking, cleaning up... I give him most of the leftovers which people haven't yet snatched up to pass out to people he knows.
it's sad to say bye...

but a while later i realize, i didn't save one for someone who gave me baking cups!! >< so i frantically go down the hall to find him. can't find him... paula calls him with a ring and he comes back, with... an empty tray... =/ but, he already gave one to the girl i owed. :) so we're set.
Not wanting to leave them, i follow paula and josh to wherever they may be destined. Don't know exactly what happened, but we ended up at Towers in dimitri's room and we watched as he worked his amazing 1948 ham radio which had many knobs on it and could catch frequencies from all over the world. =) so so cool.
And we watched his light display which lit up to the notes of the songs. =) relaxing...

Then we watched some of Mister Lonely... a very interesting movie.

hours later we went up to the rooftop to sit on a ledge beyond the railing and to look out on the city. me and josh talked.

and then the sky started to light up.... so we went inside. it was chilly!

By this early in the morning, we found that we had so much in common, and we could get along, and so many other things you just can't describe. <3 this boy was everything i wanted in a best friend

.... a bit of silence and awkward pause after we ran out of conversation in a random hallway, and..

"so.... i think i would like to be really good friends with you..."

what he said to me felt like a proposal from the person of my dreams. he did like me!! my heart jumped. i was so happy... "i really like hanging out with you too, i mean... as you know, in the 3 years of being here at MIT there just aren't people like you here..." it was hard to keep myself from crying.

we went upstairs to hang out some more until it was about 5 am. we had to sleep!

So i slept for 4 hours, and woke up from habitual earlyness... went to the anime convention and picked a cat for him. gigi from kiki's delivery service, $37. but so cute. he liked it X)

Came back, he was finally awake =) we hung out for like 4 more hours as he showed me his electronics projects... then i went bowling with absk significantly tired. but it was fun.

I got back at midnight and was happy that josh was still awake. i went upstairs to help him pack til about 3, then we had to go to sleep again.... (hate saying goodbye)

getting up 6 hours later we set back to work packing up his stuff. his parents came by at 1, after we'd wandered around outside... and packed everything.. put it in the basement. come 5 pm it was time for him to leave and i'd acquired a few bags of his stuff, so he can stay with me in july when he comes back so he doesn't have to pay rent! hurray for having a best friend roommate, i do hope!

Also on saturday we took a ride around on his bike (Star [simpson]'s bike), and it was amazing. i loved it, it was amazing. ly fun. :)

i also have been entrusted with gonga, a crazy huggable gorilla who has 3 holes in him, unfortunately. check my facebook pic. =]

All in all it was about 23 hours of hanging out in a span of less than 2 days. I had so much fun, i really like this person....


And i'm really happy. probably the happiest i have ever been at MIT. though i've adjusted to living alone and with occasional social contact, and staying sane with leo, i found the one i really wanted. what can i say to God?




Okay, well.... it's complicated that josh has to be a boy.

complicated.

but we've established that he has a longtime-gf, as in best friend since 7th grade and they are pretty much made for each other and share the same brain. Nobody can compete against that, but

I'm just glad i have a friend /here/ at mit and not in some other place away from me!!!! T____T we have so much in common it's great to hang out.

And leo has some qualities that josh doesn't, such as his ridiculously silly sense of humor or interest in other things.

But josh is motivated and interested in things, and he DOES stuff. lots of cool stuff. i love that.

I like paula and josh because they take imagination and curiosity seriously. =) that says a billion words about them and me liking them.




Sigh... now he's gone, back to NY... for many weeks... and i'm here alone to study up on bones and organs ...


i'm really happy..... next year is going to be amazing!!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3


btw, josh has very beautiful eyes. when they aren't behind his hair. =)

i love these lyrics

Everything's an act
When you're pleasing everyone.
And he assumes that role
To such renown.
He played a perfect part,
Straight from his heart
Knowing the risk he takes
And hoping that the house
Is not brought down.

The role of a lifetime is living a fantasy.
The trauma that you struggle to erase.
Thoughts battle words over deeds
A war with such casualties.
All played out behind a smiling face.

God, I need your guidance
Tell me what it means
To live a life where nothing's as it seems.
Spending days in silent fear,
And spending nights in lonely prayer.
Hoping that one day when you wake,
Those feelings won't be there.

So confused because I feel complete with him.
When we're alone it all somehow makes sense
Look into his eyes for some compromise
Remember the word "FORGET"
And try to bury something so intense.

You learn to play the same girl,
Your lines become routine.
Never really saying what you mean.
But I know the scene will change--
White picket fences, and a dog
A trophy bride, and children,
God, I know that's what he wants! ><

But [Jason] what role do I play,
Am I a savior or a phase?
Am I here to damn you?
Or to help you navigate this maze
Where confusion is a crime,
So you fill your life with sound,
And if you dance like hell,
You hope you'll never touch the ground...

What happens when the music stops?
In the silence will he stay?
One day you'll realize that these feelings
aren't going away,
So we drive ourselves insane,
Spinning circles in our souls,
As we dance around and   p l a y     p r e t e n d.

And once again.....
Reprise our roles

"see me" -- what if ?

Mother, I need to talk to you

Honey! I was just gonna call you

Theres something that you need to know

Gone a week, I miss you already

I'm just gonna spit it out...

How is school going?

You probably guessed it years ago.
Still, it's kind of hard to say

we're so excited about your applications.

It's something that I spent so long not saying....

I told your dad, he's cheering for you.

Sometimes it's on the tip of my tongue,
but only spoken.. aloud... alone... while I'm praying

I know you'll get in everywhere.

All I ask is an open mind

Um, perhaps now isn't the best time...

it's such a lonely bridge to cross

I'm taking a friend to lunch.

I've searched for answers on my own

She's so proud of you!

And find that I'm completely lost


Mom-- please, don't say anything else. just listen.
I don't know where to start.
I can't even get the words out..
it's like they're all jumbled together.
Mom, I love you, and--

Berkeley took their waiting list!
Didn't you apply?

Mom, please listen to me.

Where did Washington go? People will be disappointed.

Mom this important, mom you need to listen
please don't shut me out here, mom you need to see me...

Please, I'm so busy here-- let me call you later, dear.

God, this is so hard to say...
I'm so afraid you'll turn away
Mom, I--

Please, I need a break, whatever it is will have to wait.
I'm going to hang up now-- I really need to hang up now.

Don't hang up, this took such courage!
I'm dying here, I'm all alone...
Just let me tell you... Mom--

Please, I can't solve all your problems.

Mother you know nothing of them!
and I'm not expecting you to find solutions
Just to be my mom and my friend....

I assure you that I am in no state of mind to discuss anything right now.

I've been waiting to tell you this... since I....

I'm going to go now.

You don't want to hear me
Can't bear to think that....

Well, you tend to dramatize

And so do you, mother
Open your eyes

Please, I have to go now
I really need to go right now
I'll call you

When mom, when are you going to call?

Soon. This week, this weekend.

We can work this out together

Maybe before then you'll get it worked out.

This is always on my mind!

I have so much on my mind.

Please don't hang up....

I have to go.

please.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bKS_bXgUDo