[Later]

Years and years have passed.


Soooo so, so many years, I haven't written a blog post in over two years probably!!! Or, I made that new wordpress- but mostly I haven't even skimmily thought of blogging even a little. I didn't even know I had this partial skimpy blog from college. But I'm glad I did, and I'm glad I could tell my later self what I was feeling. I knew I was miserable, but gosh, I was miserable. So many years have passed, and so many changes, and I'm a very different person from back then-- with new problems. Now having just been to the philippines I don't wish I was in a poor country anymore. But I do still feel some kind of loneliness, or a very faint emptiness, a black hole lack of passion that's been sucked up and it remains in a vaccuum. I have such pretty, gorgeous resources here that could make me exremely happy (a beautiful miking and a soft loving babellina) - and I'm not unhappy at all. I am just periodically bored, unmotivated, overwhelmed by trying to finish dental school and the ridiculous scheduling pressures I face, interfacing with patients and getting them to come in exactly when I need to accomplish all the crud I'm supposed to do, in a timely, safe, convenient manner that is comfortably away from the last allowable day in clinic. So that I do not have to pay a summer tuition or bear the embarassment of not finishing for graduation in time.

I am trying to find some kind of fixation point, something that gets me distracted from feeling totally miserable and crushed about the headache of dealing with patient scheduling and worrying about finishing in time.


I weigh 106 pounds right now, something that is already a big accomplishment from my college days of 125, and then dental school 112, but I am not where I want to be. I haven't been since freshman year of hs. I want to be thin, and stick-like, and I want to have a flatter chest. I want to be so comfortable and feel so beautiful, gorgeous, capable and attractive in anything that I can wear that looks good on skinny girls. I want to tone down my big but and thighs and have nicely shaped, pretty arms, and the nicest slimmest face that's possible with my genes. I want to weigh about ten pounds less. I want to be at 94 lbs.

I found this fantastic post!
http://www.livestrong.com/article/420511-how-to-stay-in-shape-for-short-women/
"Step 1 Determine what your goal weight should be. A woman’s ideal body weight is 100 pounds for the first 5 feet of her height,"

What about being technically 4'11???!!?  The doctor says 4'11!!

Here is a good tip.
Perform moderately-intense cardio or aerobic for at least 150 to 300 minutes per week; or when you increase your fitness level, up that to vigorously exercising for 75 to 150 minutes a week.
 Perform two or three strength-training sessions each week. Use dumbbells, barbells or your own body weight to perform exercises for each muscle group. Do exercises to target your arms, shoulders and chest on one day. Perform lower-body strength-building exercises like squats and lunges on the next day

Cardiovascular exercise is an absolute requirement. If you want to get skinny and toned, and avoid looking skinny fat, you have to exercise. Exercise will increase the calorie deficit you have created through diet to increase weight loss and also creates a better body. Dieting gets rid of fat, but it does not create a stunning body – exercise does.

I need to do all this!!

i don't mind walking home

alone in the dark, as the relationships in my life each rest daintily on the surface of clear, dark stream waters.

it's not a big deal

emotional weight:

i am often ready to crawl up and stop existing.

I got flaked out on. why did i get flaked out on? why is he avoiding me? you know what, i'm totally ready to not have a boyfriend. if I did that, he and I would both have a mental collapse. yes. but the reasons why he didn't want to come visit me are too obvious. it's only for a day, there's nothing to do here, he's been busy and has other things to do, i can see him in another month anyway, it sucks for him to have to leave at 4 am on friday when i leave, and probably also that he shouldn't be under my power control or whowhat something like that.

this is only terribly ironic and sad because the same thing happened last year. except last year, I got food poisoning and i was dearly, dearly relying on being able to see him before february, having had a terribly lonely semester. He said, well the weather is bad and maybe you have a stomach virus so it's not worth it for me to come. I curded way the heck out, and "guilted him" into coming to see me for 12 hours. yes, it ended up being worth it for both of us.

maybe now he's thinking i'm not worth it anymore. I mean, we do have a lot of differences. halloween was one of the best times i've had with him, but thanksgiving was a bunt. I use up words when i don't know what it's called. thanksgiving was like... we're really different. awkward-sad-bad let's watch a bunch of movies and okay i'm moving on with life now. perhaps because i initiated the weekend with, "LEO you are not a motivated guy and i need someone who is heading in a direction and makes cool things and is someone I really admire, and you are not like that." what could he say to that? "sorry, i'm trying-" well, i said what i feel. and i still feel that exactly. who he is does not change from month to month regardless of whether i see him or am able to tell him what to do or not.

I am almost pretty much getting my period and that is probably contributing to this internal storm and maybe to him not wanting to come over.

it's fine, he doesn't need to come over anyway because i am busy uprooting my room to take things home for the final semester.



i'll dance all night until my feet bleed
six feet under's where you lie
no remorse, your real thoughts kept you running

tired of it all

I am happy to be alive because......


because.............................


.......................................................................


.............................. because.................


........

ummm.........

long distance

you get in a fight, and you're arguing with this person like you don't know them anymore. But what you do know is that they aren't treating you in a friendly way. You explain to them what you don't like about their behavior (stop treating me like how you act to your parents.) You give examples, and they pick at it saying "well why didn't you bring this up at the time" or "so we didn't end up going that day, why does it matter?"

"No, I'm just explaining that I can't deal with it when you aren't upfront with me about your feelings."

he needs to stop thinking I'm just another person to say "yes" to without even being conscious of what I'm saying. people who do that just want you to shut up and stop talking to them so they can focus on the TV. even though what you're telling them is that they need to do something good for themseleves, which you are explaining to them in the first place because you ACTUALLY CARE about them and their future.


I've been crying all day today. i need to study........... 3 days til the dat


extremely sad right now

x

The social stressors associated with suicide are loneliness, rejection, and marital conflicts in developed countries.

backlog of statuses

6-11
please talk to me like a friend, not a preacher. that just made me say UGH.

6-15
agh just took the midterm DAT and FAILED on the chemistry, i need to study sooo much ><;;

6-20
my birthday was pretty good, i should start a new blog!! ^___-

6-23
omg just saw up with flo (sweet BU friend) and it was good!!

[ yeah so much for starting that blog]

today:
just bought a new CAMERA on ebay!!! woooo so excited, it's a canon sd1200, orange - flo showed me her old sd1000 and it's really awesome. i wanted to get a good, decent one so it cost $175 instead of ~100 for another cheapier model like samsung/nikon/kodak. plus, it's brand new - yesss


so, about starting that new blog.... hmmm... they say it's the way to promote your stuff on etsy. i've made time to make a couple of bears so far and a prototype loch ness monster that needs work but above all i need a camera to get things started.
that's what i tell myself.

right now i'm going crazy because i can't...
i can't get past this thing in life that perpetuates my soul with MEANINGLESSNESS.

there's no one here, ever, for the past 3 years, to be like: hey, remember that time when we did this :)

i am on the path to go through life shooting at whatever star i tell people i'm aiming for.

ALL I REALLY WANT is companionship. give me meaningful days, give me a life that's happy from one day to the next. that means something, that's worth my living breath on this earth.
because i don't see it.

and i keep on saying that i can't take it anymore but each step takes me further to the edge. i can't take it anymore. why am i living?

i've said this repeatedly since the early winter of 2006. i didn't get it.

i still don't get it, but... with maturity i find myself closer to the answer. and the answer is, if you don't like it, don't do it. i'm swearing to myself right now that i don't want to do anything, keep on doing anything-- that is so meaningless. i'm tired of this random random socialization, it serves purely as distration or lessons for life and it's hurting more than it is helping in the companionship department.

... well, i just called leo.. and he says that people fade away. everyone fades, but what you earn for yourself stays with you. so..... i guess i feel better. one step closer to cramming myself through the DAT.