the engine, motivation

it is especially ridiculous and unnecessary that my mother hands out gold stars and praises to GOOD GRADES.

my happiness and fulfillment of needs is on a lower par
than the achievement of GOOD GRADES regardless of how i do it or what it takes to get there.

i can earn GOOD GRADES without learning the material. i still don't really know what chemistry is. formulaically answering problems. i have no real world skills.

mom, i'm not happy here and life is miserable and i'm not reallyACTually learning anytihng.
it's okay honey, just get GOOD GRADES and i will be so proud of you and it will make me happy.

if you do things that express how you feel and your emotions come out less than basic satisfaction, i will be thoroughly disappointed in you.

do not waste your time gaming, partying, socializing, do not have ample fun. find theBALANCE. get those good grades. awww, you got a B ... well shucks, what can you do better next time? how can you do better? that just isn't good enough, i am so disappointed, hun. hmmm.

well mom, i was trying my best while still trying to keep myself alive and with the minimum level of happiness required to still be alive. [why do grades even have to matter so much]
well tiff, just do whatever you need to do to do better. go talk to the teacher! can't you study with someone else? oh, that person is smart? study with them!!!

stfu. leave me alone. dame it, i hate you. hate this. stop it. i hate learning. go away.

repeating times

completely alone.... in the middle of a crowded room, among that "family of God".



i didnt go to small group today because i couldnt stop crying... in lab. yeah i just fall apart there, it happens when i go through the day working working and then realize that by the time i finish and go home.... i have to go to sleep, and get up to work again.

that's theoretically possible for many people, except that i have no one to go home to ever for an entire week, nobody knows i'm there or what i'm doing and for that my life is VOID of purpose or necessity and i mays well not be alive. especially when the one person i love the most talks to me less and less every day.


...why do i text so much? because the person who is my family, who cares about me every single day, is reachable through my phone. when they don't talk to me i am totally alone. even my boyfriend i only talk to sporadically, he only responds to my texts sometimes.

it is unbelievably hard to live by yourself. in your single room, in your own world 95% of the week. you know what that means? from the point you cease to exist, there is about a one hundred hour delay until the time when someone in the world will notice you missing.

all summer, i haven't had time to read or draw, things i really want to do. if i'm not working, i am fulfilling some kind of commitment to another person that i don't know that well... basically, hanging out. ive never been a big fan of hanging out, because it seems so artificial. yeah, let's spend time because socializing is a good thing. thumbs up. then we move on and go back to our lives. i still don't know you totally well and we may not know each other in a few years.

if there was one person..... who would love all those faults of mine that i struggle through to identify and fix.... i would not, from freshman year to this day, continually find myself in tears about being so alone. having such a meaningless life. i hate myself, a lot. i can't count anymore the times i wish i could just die.


but maybe i don't really want to die, maybe i just wish i could stop everything and take time to be with God. but even with that i get really stubborn and bitter about and fight myself about whether God is even real, until i just end up sleeping.

i can't spark that relationship thing because i have too much sins. i am deceitful, unworthy, insecure, and also perhaps obsessive. and 'busy'.



if i can get through two more years improving from this worthlessness of my life.... that will be my only real measure of success at mit. that, and my relationship with God.

uhhhh.... which comes first?

working working working

why is summer busier than schooltime T___T

i've been 'gone' every weekend in july.... gone most weekends in the summer. but those weekends have been fun. :) awesome.

the weekdays...... this week, working 12-13 hours. ugh. >< dame urop... i am definitely not going back in the fall.

and why do i even do this? because i made 2 commitments this summer: internship, #1. "finishing urop work" = #2. now that started out as 'a couple weeks in the summer, max a month' and turned into many months and more than a hundred slides to image. oh, in the end i will count them up.... i will.... because i am a bitter person.......

stealing my summer away when i could be getting to know people better. >/ NOT going back to lab. (my advisor is leaving though, that's also why things are finishing up)

and I don't even make time for God.

so what

i am so full of criticism right now. for everyone.

in my old age of sophmority i have remorse for people around me that are supposed to matter.

i didnt go to sleep last night, but i have no blaming factors. it was all me. working on a paper.

i have not eaten much other than bagels, cookies, cereal, = sugar + carbohydrates for the past couple of months. i hardly ever drink water that i need to get by. i think my body is sad.
i think not having access to nutritious food is a source of depression for somebody. i am so sick of eating this. i dont want sugar anymore, or bread. i do eat good things some friday nights and sunday afternoons, plus the occasional treat of free food at some event. saucy asian food. well i'm sick of that too because that's the only other alternative, ever. that i choose. i am a picky eater. but i seemed to be ok until this semester. i wish that if i didn't eat my stomach wouldn't hurt me.

i am still tight on schedule, until.... tonight. i have class now. i may be late. i have to finish my 7.02 publication. then i have to clean out next basement when classes are done. and go to steer roast? hawaii club dinner.

my body feels tired. my mind is sort of awake, at least.

i didn't stop since last night. hula practice, bcss event... this short post -is- my break.

how you treat people

matters.

do you love her? or, is she just a friend.


what are friends?
a relationship with mutual benefits, WITH A CATCH:
nothing is guaranteed.


unless you love someone.
what's love?
unconditional.... forgiveness.



but you need to show someone if you love them!!!!!!

uhhhh

i have an ethical dilemma.


it involves tsk tsk shouldn't do that
and what am i supposed to do.


talk?


or not??

man, why is it that no one talks???? i'm just being cynical but i don't get this total independence thing. if i had a real sister my age, i'd talk to her about what's going on in my life.

maybe were just like step sisters or something.

ill shoot you

my
life
is
coming
apart.

my grade in 1/2 of 7.02 (the writing section) = 24/48

now you're gonna say, why? i don't know why! my papers are the same as everyone else's!!! >/

sinnerx100 = me

i am so distracted.


i thought i was ms. ridiculous, but i'm officially more distracted now. so much, so easily forgetful, forgettable, whatever...


hours of sleep each this week, just because i like to put emphasis:
3 8 4 6 0

if i made the days my way, that would be 8-9 across the board.

anyway.

i'm sunk.

drowned,
dug myself in a hole and burrowed away from reality.

so far, that i accidentally skipped a class yesterday when i needed to go, and i find that i've done things that i completely do not remember.

where's my mental processes at?

i just made a new desktop for myself hahaha

wanna see? ♥
it's awesome, cuz it's got mr. awesome all over it!

i'm so absorbed. so.. much.... you don't even want to know.
oh yeah that cross thing in the middle? idk i just stuck that there, don't know why cuz im feeling loopy


what does God want from me?
surely not the way i'm living. =(

what do I care about? I really, really care about soaking up every bit of ephermeral joy i've got a source of right now.

what is the real story? ask meeeee

and help me save me from myself!!!!!!!! X_____x


- ms. baptized

what now?

i am ready to get a gun and shoot myself. i just got my german test back... i got a B-. i probably got a B on the first test, and i remember i had a C on the last one. so what do i do now? my friend is going to be here tonight. i have hula practice from 8-11 that i can not miss. i was planning to start doing work for urop lab right now-3:30, until 7 tonight so that i may get at least a bare minimum done that my advisor asked. especially since i haven't had a chance to do much for her yet so far.

but i have another german test tomorrow. and this time, i haven't even started looking at the chapter yet. i usually put off most- like half- of the studying until right before the test, but this time i've done nothing.

this morning i went right into 7.02 just about ready to fail. the test wasn't too bad, but i didn't do super great on it. i only started studying around midnight.

i have a 7.02 lab results writeup due tomorrow.

i don't think i'll be looking at my testimony much today.


my friend from NJ is getting in around 8ish tonight, yes, when i have hula practice that i can't miss. i still have to clean my room.


what do i do? i could complete the bulk of whatever studying i'll attempt to do for german- at this moment, for the next many hours, until practice comes,
or i could stick with my original plan and start doing urop work.

if i don't go to lab, i'll have to come in this weekend, while my friend is here (she came to hang out with me). and that will take many, many hours- it could take an entire day. while the anime convention is going on.

if i don't study for german now, i probably won't... ever. and score a 30% with luck on the test.

i'm getting baptized sunday night, and easter service is going to be ~6am.

i wish i could go to sleep because i keep falling asleep in my classes.


i need to have lab work done by the time i leave, by the time sunday comes around, so i can print out all of the slide pictures to analyze while i'm at home.




except for when i go home, my cousin will be there 80% of the time, to hang out with me
and i have not yet caught up in any 7.05 material since the last test, for the past few weeks.
that is a few days' worth of reading and cheat sheet making.




what do i do...?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
besides failing at my commitments to everyone, i've already done that, and i still am. so many missed hula practices, missed meetings, but i still have failed tests and assignments.

i can't even stay your friend because i fail to see you often at all.
like, i haven't been to church/bible study that much in the past months.

where is this life now....

MOVIE!!!!

so here it is, the film that broke my back... we had THREE days to make it. filming, editing, make the music, finish the script..... get it all together... we started editing at 2 in the morning, didn't sleep, didn't go to class, and barely got it done by the time it was due, at 7pm. poor farre, we put everything into this. but she's an awesome director, cameraman, music composer and editor!! =)

every scene makes me laugh, though i would laugh more if it made you laugh as well. :P

here is a link to the video...... although i despise the lags experienced from watching it online ><
http://www.ourstage.com/video/channel/3-short-films/EAJYIBZVGPJR-city-of-cranes

the title? it was going to have a random shot of a construction crane in it, but we didn't have time -____- we didn't think of a better title, either.



so....
just know

- it wasn't intended to be silent
- it was not intended to be depressing
- it was supposed to turn to color at the end
(the script was changed at the last minute... although it was never finalized, haha)
- it was never finished because we ran out of time ='(



how many times can you spot kerigan? ;)



i hope.... you enjoy it =/

what does it mean, this faith thing

because sometimes i know it, and sometimes i don't.
(super-testimony, i hope you can try to bear with me on the length and read through it!)



we just watched the prince of egypt at bible study, it was AMAZING!!! anyone who hasn't seen it has to. amazing graphics... great music... a moving story. my favorite part was the song in the middle by tzepporah's father, about how the value of your life is measured from the view of heaven.


so.. being christian. i always forget what that means, and therefore i have problems. i forget because i am forgetful, and that is something that i know for my lifetime won't get any better, just worse. so how should i overcome that?
write out what i feel IS to love and know God... while I know. =)


first, this is how i tend to start off each day, blank, and let's walk through how i interpret faith.
with a forgetful mind, here is a bland textbook answer i can read to try to suck meaning out of-

random passage i opened bible to example:
romans 1: 29-31.
They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless.

Okay, so don't do any of that. Humble yourself, watch what you do, don't think mean thoughts about people. Don't, don't, dont this and that. got it?

So many things to say about God, but i think that understanding God's message truly involves.. something like a bottleneck. you can see His words from every side, there are so many things to be said and heard. but what about the words? They are commands, examples, values to adopt and copy in your own life. great. Just what we need, more advice on how to live life to be happier. and, these are 'truths.' that means- if i ask you, what's really true in this world of deceit and lies where things are so precarious? and my programmed answer to you is going to be ---because I am a "christian," (whatever that means)--- God's words. okay.. are you sure? Yes, and I will die for it if I have to. <-- this is the response handed to me by the booklist of 'shoulds' and 'shouldn'ts'.

....but.. if i was really about to die, could i hold fast to that answer?



back to the bottleneck: how close can you actually get to the bottle... how well can you know the contents, closely analyzing every side, without being IN the bottle? well, how many things can I tell you about Christian life that you can reiterate back to me, if you wanted to be a "Christian person"? I could tell you everything. I could give you many commands, many reasons WHY you should obey God. but... that only goes so far!! right? If you feel very bad about your life right now, I highly doubt that some purely philosophical or righteous guidance will get past your barrier of defense which has been put up to guard against all the other things life has thrown at you. even maybe guaranteed motivators, wonderous promises of what will come later... maybe that would spark you to OBEY.

more examples of "what I should do", taken from a few sporadic journal entries from my devotionals this semester:

• set my heart on things above: hope for, and want what's in heaven. strive to earn it.
• have faith that God will provide- don't get worried or doubtful.
• trust in Christ = be freed of yourself, don't worry about material things, or ephemeral shininess of earthly life.
• go out and produce fruit - work to let other people see God's love through your life.
• aim for: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Thank you, galatians 2:22.
• Jesus died for you, so you should live for Him.
• james 5: 7-12, be patient and enduring until the Lord's coming. so this Christian thing, don't stop. you'll be judged for your life, for all this, so do as God says every time it is 'today.'
• memorize God's word, be familiar with the Bible. also, follow it.

blah blah blah blah blah this is great advice, but what does it MEAN.

i can read all that, and think- great, I've read that so many times before. so......?

so, what is the most important thing in life.
to love God.

[if you truly love God, you've found the bottleneck- and can peer into the true meanings of God's words, with a real passion for obeying Him and sharing His love.]

(like dave JDSN asked: do you want God, or do you want something from God?)

okay then, God- i love you. now what?



no, that's not right. do you understand the meaning of "love"?

I'm sure I do, I hear it all the time.

well, you might not.

consider this.
who do you love most? what do you treasure? what things shall rule your life?


(unanswered questions)
........................................

the bible, I think most of it is composed of 3 things: facts/numbers, commands, and stories.

stories.... are the most important part. why stories? not only to give examples of how to live for God and to teach us what is really right and wrong, but...

to prove that God is THERE, and that He loves us. this is a real history, nothing to doubt about it. all of this happened.
moses really saved his people out of egypt, and God did all that for him.

.........
do you know what it's like to truly, emotionally be in love?

that-- that is what God wants you to feel for Him back.

yes, real love. but how?

on the subject of what God did for moses and the israelites, think about what God has done for you.


well, what has God done for me? this is that testimony thing::::: to share how my life has been changed by Christ.


how has my life been changed?

in summary, i thought i was a great christian since high school. i'd looked at every word in the bible from cover to cover (many of them, twice?) and got a little meaning out of it some nights. otherwise, i asked God for what i needed, and things were great.

then i came to MIT. it was hard. really, really hard. i hated the first year.. that was total misery, worse than i've ever endured before. and, at one point, (in fact, it is the first bible study that i took notes on!) dave JDSN challenged us: he said there are 3 kinds of people you find in church..

1- they try to be christian, they struggle in prayer and take sanctification seriously.
2- they live like christians, trying to be like one but they aren't actually. they go to church and pray with babbling asking for blessings, but God is not really in their heart. they are powerless.
3- seekers interested in knowing Jesus.


Yes, #2... that was me. and as soon as he said it, i knew it. i knew it deep inside of me, and knew even long later when i briefly thought about this kind of thing that #2, the worst kind of christian, was me. because all i ever asked God for was what i needed... that was only when i needed it, or sometimes i still needed it but didn't make the effort to ask. i didn't even understand what he really meant by #1, that baffled me. i thought that spending an HOUR a day in prayer was totally outrageous and didn't understand how people could ever come up with that much stuff to ramble to God about, trying too hard to be holy. no, i didn't really think God had that much power in my life. sure, He's real i guess? and stuff, but not really worth much effort.. on my priority list, church + God ranked ~ 4th place. although, i really made an effort to make myself always be at church, always at bible study. i wanted people to recognize that i was dedicated to this group, like wow- she goes to church every single time. and usually, the messages made me happy about my life, they gave me hope things might get better. but I didn't get any better, to God. i just constantly convinced myself that I was a good Christian, I was saved... I was a #1, I had to be. well, I wanted to be. even in the afterthoughts this year i've realized how pointless it was for me to keep on going to church last year, except to build relationships with absk members as a social thing and have great bible study notes for all the times i went that i can now look back on. (which i can now comprehend so much more!!)

[ continuing the story, copied and pasted from testimony draft: ]


My freshman year, I really hated being at MIT. My life was straight downhill from a low start, and I often found myself alone in my single room... which really turned into a jail cell that I hated more than school itself as I often cried about my pointless existence on this earth, so far away from my family. I didn't really make any friends first semester, which was a big mistake; I was so used to people coming to me to be my friend since I used to be so shy. Now I just faced work all the time. WORK, and I had no one who really cared about me. My life couldn't get any worse, and I barely made an effort to ask God to make things better. I didn't really think He could do anything for me, He was just God, that omniscient being. So I went home that summer, and completely forgot about what it means to really be Christian again in a family that I realized was pretty non-religious. Summer wasn't bad, but then sophomore term came around, and I hit the lowest point of my life... many of my morals were torn down as I got caught up in a myriad of highly self-destructive sins, things that I convinced myself were okay because I was so desperate for acceptance and friendship. I didn't know how else to go about grasping for meaning in difficult directions. I couldn't escape the cycles I got myself into, though many times I was "worn down"... yes, worn DOWN to begging God to bring me out of this misery. I ultimately felt very far from God, as I had always been aware of... because He is just soooo good, why should a terrible sinner like me even bother to talk to Him. but there-- bother. I therefore acted like I was too good for God, like He couldn't solve any of my problems anyway and yes, it took all of that suffering to bring me down to really begging for help. but... getting out of this mess? that would be so unlikely anyway! because there weren't any signs of hope for me in any direction, just the far, far off joy of getting to go home eventually. and that's what i struggled to live for. last semester was a really hard time for me, and many times i was ready to give up on life.

During the last bible study of last October, Dave JDSN addressed the stabbing incident that had taken place in my own dorm here at MIT. He talked about marriage, relationships, and all the sin that was caught up in today's society, contrasted with God's will. I realized that what I was living was really, really wrong, and that I just had to face myself.... somehow. I'd been so excited to go to fellowship that day since it would be my first time ice skating (which I've really, really wanted to do since coming here), but I couldn't go anymore. I had to go home and think about what to do possibly do about my messed up life. Maybe pray about it? Maybe, but that never really did much for me. But then, Helen invited me to go out with her to talk about it, one-on-one. I was a little afraid and reluctant, but... what else did I have left? Not a lot. So we went out, and I shared with her everything that had been going on in my life... admitted to all the self- destruction that had erupted out of sheer desperation.... which of course, had never solved my problems, not even temporarily-- it just tended to make things worse. basically, I was so lost. I also told Helen about a dream I had recently that felt really realistic. It's short: it was during a time of war in boston, at night. I was in a house, and my family was there- everyone was afraid. i just remember this one moment, in slow motion I looked out the window at a lake and saw this life-shattering ball of light expanding... we were all about to die. i looked back at my family, and tried to tell them that I loved them. and then I tried to pray. I asked God to forgive me everything I've done in life, and to take me to heaven. I really thought I was going to die, in my mind. I frantically begged Him, but at the same time I didn't really mean what I was saying- it was just thing I had to do in the process of going to heaven, ask for blanket forgiveness and get rewarded in the end. but when death came, everything just turned black. I kept on asking.... and everything was still black around me. completely empty. I waited, and waited... and nothing happened. I thought I was SO sure that God was supposed to take me to heaven, but... i just experienced darkness.


Helen said God was really trying to get my attention. She shared with me some of her testimony, and explained to me that we all have this God-shaped void in our hearts... and that nothing I tried to fit in there would ever fulfill me. She challenged me to just talk to God about my problems, and seek Christ for fulfillment in anything that I needed. I got home very late that night, and I could have just gone to sleep as I might have usually... but I decided to try talking to God.
It was so, so hard to get myself to do, but I did it... (since Helen reminded me that no sinner is beyond God's reach, and we all need our Creator.) .....through many hours of intense, honest, humbled prayer I poured out everything that was in me to Him. and God, in return, graced me with a miraculous awakening to His presence. God WAS really real, He WAS all-powerful, He was totally watching over my life the whole time, no matter how much I'd ignored Him........ He DID want to get to know me personally. (!) that was a huge realization for me, something very new. a personal relationship.
and with that, I finally learned what it means to love God. I realized that everything I'd been reaching for blindly in my darkness was nothing but me trying to make food out of dirt. The earthly things that I clinged to so tightly, things that did nothing for me... I could at last let go. Jesus was able to take away the burden of all my sin, and I was finally free. Helen was absolutely right, as doubtful as I was that anything would ever get better. After all of my going-through-the-motions, I had finally really experienced God's love beyond [getting whatever earthly things I asked for].

It was then that I was convicted to be baptised so that that I may dedicate my life to His will, and not my own. Yes, God is real and loves me, how foolish to be confused about that!

So what's happened to me since then? Of course, that's all that really matters- how Christ has changed my life. right?

Well, since that time, I still faced battles with my old nature for the next couple of months. Satan wouldn't let my life be all good after that. At times I really struggled to be with God again, as my old self just automatically took over and things got hard. but on other days I was simply overjoyed to know Jesus, no matter what the circumstances were. In the hard parts, I think I just wore out poor Helen who tried to tough things out with me, because for the longest time I just could not get past my sins. I think sometimes I was sososo stubborn that people were probably tempted to give up on me. But they didn't, and I really pursued trying to have good faith in Christ, through prayer and petition to help me break out of my cycles of sin-- to work on getting to know God personally. and slowly but surely, God did His miracles in me. I've since been freed of many destructive things that once had a stronghold on my life, as Christ has with His miracles fulfilled my needs, my emptiness, my desperation to feel loved. It's like I'm suddenly able to let go of terrible things, because I can be satisfied with Christ. I never, ever would have believed that half a year ago. Though I have to be honest, it's really been a rollercoaster, my relationship with Jesus, unfortunately. Because yes, I forget His love so easily. But I'm not letting go of my conviction for what it means to LOVE God in return. To really try to talk daily to Christ, and to also really struggle to fully deny myself before God- to accept and realize that there is so much that I don't know, (you don't know what you don't know!) and to be humbled in complete honesty before Him. to know that you are not worth anything in the end, that you -need- forgiveness that you just do not deserve, and to recognize self-righteousness when it creeps up on you.. as if i have a right to ever feel proud, or special, or important. it is sooo hard to fight that, but also sooo necessary. we must also recognize that we have bad sins that we are not aware of! we all prefer to ignore it, because it is easy and more comfortable that way. yeah, just keep thinking that you're a little better than your neighbor since you do X and Y which they don't do. what a terrible way to think! just like the Pharisees demonstrated for us =(

so, worst of all, I am still, more than anything else... forgetful. which continually works to uproot my faith, because it makes all of the above very hard for me to make use of and live by, without re-reading or re-experiencing. =( so much, that i can hardly do what I want. thus, I am still so needy. And it's sad-- i forget about what sins i used to recognize in myself. I forget why I believe that Jesus loves me, I forget why devotional is supposed to be so important. my life gets really-incredibly busy, and I forget what God has already done for me. in a flash, it's all gone, so fast. I can't hardly succeed at any of this the way I wish I would.

so the bottom line is: we're all sinners. let that be one thing you don't forget. THAT's why we need God's forgiveness.






and the only way to get to really know God, to love God... is to pray. Pray, and know the bible, because one without the other won't get you nearly as far as to where you need to be. but as long as you have a relationship with God, that is what matters...


so that when you show up at the gates of Heaven, Jesus won't say- sorry, I don't know you?
like this great prose says: (read it slowly!)

On Judgment Day, it will be you and Jesus.

Today, it's you and Jesus.

In the words of an old hymn,
"What will you do with Jesus?
Neutral you cannot be.
For someday your heart will be asking, 'What will He do with me?'"


I hope that He will welcome you with the more joy than you've felt in a lifetime, and you can finally be with God, in peace. =)

[sorry this is slightly unfinished, but ill fix it later, thanks for reading/skimming :P]

done?

with work? for once! ok, so not really- i'm lying. much more to do--but i've done enough this weekend. it's 8:30 at night.. on sunday.... it took me -that- long to finish my work this weekend, that's sad!!! ='( i was going to try so hard to get everything done on SATurday to have one free day, but no T___T

anyway. what do i do now?? it's so weird to be done, (which is sad)... that its kinda depressing. that i dont have anything really great to do, but also that there are so many things i could do (that i can't usually) that.. i can't choose. :( err... and i really need to start working on my testimony v___v always more to do...................

today we had really good food at church, for the ordination of byungho han jdsn ;)

emotional disturbance

i'm so vulnerable.

we are all sinners.


i'm studying: motivated, listening to my playlist on random.
i have lots of songs- songs from all different times in my life, from the britney spears/savage garden of elementary school to linkin park of middle school, and then the hip hop/r+b time period in 8th grade that includes some good songs. stuff thats nothing like nowday's hip hop song lists which just consist of hard core rapping and one or 2 catchy beats, but songs from j-lo and ja rule, ashanti/aaliyah from that time were different, and good.

like when i hear this song

link: 3LW - never get enough
[it wont let me embed the video -____-]

it makes me think of one person (who i haven't thought of much in the past couple of weeks) and being with him!

it's a good song, but... it really hits a rough part of my life. being with a guy. i don't need guys! but this song tells me that i do. :( people are controlled by their emotions........ right? they are a pretty strong influence, at least.

guys are no good though, i know that..... i do...
don't need a guy...................
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh


absence of a "need" --> minor, temporary form of 'suffering'? can you call it pain if you feel like it hurts?
am i just grumbling?

curse real thursdays

.... agh... anguish.. pain.. flashback...... intense... no....
why does my brain do this to me?! what am i going through???? why is it that
i play a song from this movie...... any one.... all of them incite this powerful feeling in me. such a happy memory, of a summertime, being with someone i really love. somebody who makes me so happy, the one person......
didn't i get over this? :'(

so much that i don't like listening to any songs that remind me of him, i don't. but then what happens? i stumble across a random thing in my life, and WHAM-- i get hit with this big dose of happiness memory. i don't get reminded of happy times of school, or not really ever with friends. always this kid. never ex boyfriends-not really ever, (not good memories at least) but..

he gave me this movie for my birthday. i should have it here with me.....

why
why why why so powerful
why does it always come back?
.......
in the rain.

even if i got married, i

i couldn't break away from that intense emotional pain.. INTENSE..

.......
what do i do?


oh, i'm so sad
so sad......................
what if i wanted to cry over this


oh, dreadful question: what will happen?


i just tell God... ask him why does it always hurt so much...
why is there no one else like this person?


song =

memories::
SUMMER!
night time, air conditioning.
so cold, so warm!
i wish, i love
i stay awake
reach out, and
am eternally happy
for limited moments.



WHY???????




i can give you one word for all of these pungent artifacts i experience:
saturated.
need more?
ecstasy.

if you know what ecstasy is, you know you want it- like a drug. nothing but it, nothing but to savor, savor the MAXimum. nothing less.

i...
love..
my...............















memories.



how depressing!

thursday the 21st

so.... frustrated.... tired....... ready to give in. why is it so hard to be loveable? or what i mean is-- to be loved? if you really love someone, you don't forget about them. you don't neglect them, or leave them to.... shiny devices, do you?

i can turn to art to help my problems go away. but art isn't a solution, because i'm always faced with the same problem. if i'd found a solution, i wouldn't be having this problem now. if i had a solved problem, i'd be craving to do art anyway.

i like.... decoration. red, pale.

it was really cold tonight. i left next at 9, watched the eclipse from the courtyard. 2 hours later, i headed back. really, really cold. the only jacket i had on was one black one. being numb helped the pain temporarily...
the heater in lobby 7 made me feel better. i'm still cold, i want to take a shower.



now, what does it take to be broken...?
God is the solution.




***

although... my nose is really sore now from 3 days straight of kleenex.

it's my fault because i give up on trying to love people who i don't think will love me back.
and those who i think might... i've tried so many times already, tried so hard. what have i ended up with?
every time i get closer and closer, so much more inspired... to give up.

that if we live on a planet with population: one person, it's better to die to be with someone than to have the joy of one self.
it's better to be in anguished pain than to end up in that situation. so if you think more of one hurt, maybe... maybe you can forget about the other.
that means
if it's physical- think about people who care. who are they? they matter more than you do. it'll be all right.
if it's emotional....

a black hole?
no such luck, kid.


i'm not made for MIT: i can't learn to make robots, and i can't learn to be a robot.

Tokio Hotel Concert: NYC trip!!

blogtime!!

here's what happened in the past 2 days of a wonderful but tiring trip..... (if the pictures are blurry, just right click and go view picture)

sunday:
got up at 8:30, showered, packed for the trip- that included homework for the bus due on tuesday! got our show tickets ready, put my boots on, rode over to student center to get ample cash and breakfast. (that wasn't easy in boots). then i headed over to senior house.
~10, banged down farre's door. she got so scared!! X| but after some scramble-packing we were able to get out by 11 and print out the greyhound tickets. we dragged our things over to the T and as we got there, the subway left... but that was just a foreshadowing of things to come.
we then arrived at south station, which is HUGE, and lined up to catch our 12:00 bus. when we boarded, we had every intention of doing work.... like when farre took out her computer! but, since there wasn't any internet, she couldn't submit her mastering physics =/ so she played some really pretty galaxy game for the xbox XD it's a paranoia game, (to me) but has amazing graphics. then she started up the sims movie-making demo. it was so cool! you're the owner of a production company starting out in the 1920s, and you can decide what buildings to have on your lot for movie making, like an actor's school, scriptwriting place, and stages, etc. then you tell the writers what genre to write up, and you hire the actors, direct the movies, keep the people happy. and, if you keep playing, you can go into the 2000s! :D the first film we made was REALLY funny... it was a romance genre. since we started in the silent film era, movies are about 3-4 scenes long and you have a couple of options for the actors in each scene, plus the choice of background. i thought that we had a girl and a guy cast for the movie, but... it played out with 2 guys (!!) lol. and the short film is so random and ridiculous with the ugly people in the first place it was just that much funnier. the next 2 movies we made weren't so great and didn't score so well either.

but then her computer died :( so... we talked, and went to sleep. and arrived in NY ~ 4:30. the first thing we did was head over to aunt mary's house, on 466 classon ave. getting there wasn't too bad... we took the blue line from port authority to hoyt schermeron, then classon ave. it was about a ten minute walk along some really quiet streets lined with the NY-style homes or apartment-like homes that all had very vertical walls and were narrow widthwise. but aunt mary's house was the prettiest on the street, inside and out. i guessed it is worth a million dollars! especially with their furnishings... =)

aunt mary is the best, she cooked us up a dinner of turkey, chicken, green beans, stuffing, potato salad and more... but not before we snacked on yummy muscarine grape juice (from arkansas) with cheese, crackers, and chips! and we got to watch cartoons ^___^ what a rarity at school, sigh...



those are such pretty, big wine glasses!


=) there's uncle paul, just home from work after driving a bus around all day.

aunt mary was so nice, we were thanking her for everything and she just said, no, no you're at home here.......if you guys don't be quiet, ima throw you out right now!

farre's distant cousin Sterling came over too, and he's in 5th grade. he's really mature, and i know he wanted to spend time with farre... but unfortunately, it was sad that we just didn't have a lot of time to hang around =(

so after they got a bedroom all ready for us, we headed out on the town again ~ 8:30.


we stepped outside of the subway, and you seriously couldn't tell it was nighttime!!! it looked like a cloudy day, or at least like it was just turning to dusk... everything was SO bright.


.... how do they get those huge ads up??


oh no!! the sanrio store closed at ten already... we'll be back!


a quick stop at the quiksilver store... we were taking pictures, and this guy who worked there came to pose! XD he was really cool, we talked about concerts and going to art school, how he even auditioned for a band (vocals) and was accepted, but he rejected them. (!)



times square!! X)


omg... we spent more than an hour in the virgin megastore. !!! and found a table of tokidoki merch!!! ^____^


what a CUUUUTE sweater!! only $80!! x____X

i bought this shirt :D

♥♥ 30$, not bad for a shirt!



oooh candy shop that we didn't have time to stop in, as we were walking the wrong way away from times sq to try to find pinkberry's....

after all that, we headed home and got back around midnight. we got ready to sleep, and crashed on a really, really, nice comfy bed!! ^___^


all dressed up just before the concert :P

so we turned out the lights around 1...

and soon enough, i got up ~ 8:30 and showered. we were planning to head out by 10, but aunt mary wanted to make us breakfast... she did, and it was soooo good!! mmmm the best biscuits i ever had, sausage, and she made oatmeal specially for me... grits for fayefaye... with tea + coffee. it was great. X) too bad i didn't catch a picture of aunt mary :'(

well, we ended up heading out around 11... destination: hot topic in queens. it took much scrambling around on the subway- jumping on the wrong train, missing a stop since it had a different name, and trying to get from the express line to local with ample waiting time in between. so many times we'd just miss the subway!!! =/ but we managed to get there... around 12:00? we got out at the woodhaven stop, and emerged to find a huuuge mall. we walked around spencers, which has been gone from many a place..... and got to HT!! ^___^ yay. we checked out every corner of that store and got some good deals, and finally around maybe 2ish we ran out to the subway again. back to times sq, which took more time, and got there at... 3ish? we hurried through the small sanrio store that unfortunately didn't seem to have a whole lot of stuff... and ran back to go home again. it was a miracle that we made it back around 3:30. but we had to be ready and out by 4 to get to the concert 2 hrs early!! the ticket read 6:30, at least. so we made it, as aunt mary packed us up bags and bags of food and we managed to stuff all our things together in our bags. it was sad though, farre promised sterling a game of scrabble which he really likes... but we just didn't have a chance =/

so for the last time, we were on the road again... in search of "the fillmore at irving plaza." my little google map printout gave like 3-4 places around union sq that could be irving plaza. so i suggested we go directly to union sq on the line we were on, rather than go all the way back to port authority/times and then jump on other lines. so, we tried that... looked for a 'fulton sq'... and many stops passed by. ....we missed it? oh no- it was called something else!!!! ><;; argh. well, we could cut across the city horizontally by the L line which went to union, luckily. except we just missed that one too. so we got off that subway, turned around to get on another one... poor farre was dragging her heavy suitcase up and down stairs... and we finally made it to union sq. but... where was this place? we walked down the street... no signs of anything. it was getting really late by now, so we just called a taxi and asked to go there. he wasn't too sure what we meant, but he went down the street and turned a corner... and there was a big line of people!! yup, that was it. the taxi guy was nice and didn't charge us. but there was no way we couldve found that by ourselves. so we got into this huge line... which in actuality started not at the block corner, but at the other corner >/ ugh. i bet a lot of them were just rich kids going to see the next cool concert. who knows how long people had been there?

well, we waited in line.... and waited.... and it rained..... and the old nice asian lady with the girls in front of us who had pretty features and wore black, and all spoke french lent us her umbrella. even all the kids before us had their parents going out to buy food for them. -___- well, dragging along all our luggage we waited there... and they finally opened the doors at 7, not 6:30. but the line moved slowly. cameras panned the crowd with a bright light and girls screamed..... and eventually we got there!! X) soooo exciting.... we checked in our heaps of bags and coats, went to the bathroom, and went upstairs. OMGitwassocrowded!!! =/ but... all i wanted was to get close. so we held tight to not get separated, and i managed to nudge my way past people... pretty slowly...... but person by person we pushed through..... at first, one witchy emo girl had so much attitude: you should just give up, you're not getting through. just stand back. psh stupid girl i just looked at her. she made me mad- i didn't know what to do. i shouldve happily said, you know what? Jesus loves you. =) then she would have been soooo mad heheh. but i pushed and pushed... leaned forward..... in a miserable mass of crowded bodies with pressure not letting up from all sides..... =/ waited and waited for the concert to start.... and of course, got way farther up than that angry girl.


we are so ready!!! ^___^

finally, it started!! :D at 8. woooo but then it was really chaos. we were about in the middle of the crowd at this point..... not close enough! as you can see: (but considerably close)

omgggg that was just so incredible, getting to see them in real life!! ^___^ although... it was really hard to enjoy in the environment. X|


woooo.... he's got a cool shirt on as always :) yahay


i really enjoy these pictures now, but... back in the crowd, the air was closing in. girls had their poofy jackets on (!!!) and at one time poor farre got pushed over.. but she was ok. her contact got knocked out in the beginning by some girl's arm, i didn't even know! =(
people's things were on the ground, mystery things. and with people at all sides the only thing you can possibly do is move with the crowd... they lean one way, so do you. but your feet don't move, unless everyone else's feet move. X|


the music.. i recognized all the songs =) but i sang minimally at first.. and then none. after a point, the only thing you could really care about is breathing. seriously. just keep breathing, there is still air. even if you can't move your arms, the only way to wipe the sweat off your face is on the person in front of you's clothes. arms are flying around over your head.... some girl shoved my hair clip down and that was the total end of my hair. :( bad idea to put it in a clip in the first place!! i kept trying to fix it but the big mass got worse and worse and ended up in a dread. -___- it's still tangled today :(


ICH BIN IN IHN VERLIEBT!!!!



they just kept singin and singin..... sang rette mich... and i got to a point where i completely agreed... i think many, most around me felt it too... just save us x___x we aren't animals being herded for veal.... we need decent space... a few times i tried to just open up my arms to push everyone away for a little air. and i gave up on the fat girl in front of me, i moved around the side to still try to get in front..... i just wanted to get up there so i could breathe!!! ahhhhhhhh so bad


it was kind of sad that we couldn't really hear the music... most all the time it was only emo girls singing. =( sighhhh..... and if he said anything, you couldn't hear it as people screamed.


but at long last, they sang 'durch den monsun' (they did through the monsoon somewhere in the middle) and that was it. a great ending to the song, and it was like YES... finally over! we can move again! we can breathe!!! whew.... we stumbled down the stairs, went into the bathroom. it was 9:00. water... was so good. our clothes were totally soaked!! hair a mess, thirsty... bleh. we got our bags back and changed shirts. even my arms were coated in a mixture of hair, fuzz, etc....
out of the bathroom, we wandered around looking for a place to buy merch (how could you leave without it!) and found a tub of red apples... (apples are SO good!!) mmm and the coat lady said there was a table upstairs at some point. i went up and saw a big crowd of people, but wasn't sure if they were waiting for the band to come out or what. farre went around the side of the crowd, right up to the guy, and we bought shirts ^___^ hehe

we each got this one (20$)

yay! its a youth large but it fits good.

so.... after that, we went outside again.... to find a starbucks that hopefully had free internet, so we could find pinkberry. we were in luck around a couple of corners with the starbucks, but no such with internet. =/ so... i had water, fayefaye got iced coffee.... (it was crowded in there, we just shared a chair) and we were off again. so tired.... exhausted....

since i had the addresses of a few pinkberrys, we guessed the closest one and got a cab. (cabs are GREAT.) omg, especially in new york-- they have a GPS system with a map that shows you exactly where you are and where you've been. very cool ^___^

all i know is... we were soooo tired!! but we found the cute shop, shared a yogurt with granola and mango. =)


the place looked something like this.


mmmm!!! :) something like that too.

then around 10 we gathered up all our bags again and caught another cab to st. mark's st, where there are lots of japanese restaurants. and luckily all these places weren't too far, all less than 10$ to get there!

we found what we were looking for -- a place called kenka!! :D


the inside of the restaurant:


and this is exactly what i ate!


fayefaye had pork gyoza, rice, miso soup, edamame... it was all SOOO good. and cheap! :) i drank lots of tea too. except.... the waiter said that the restaurant's minimum was 6.50 per person, while my ramen was only 5 -_____- so... he just added the difference. oh well. then around 11:30ish we had to head out again... but not before getting some 'free'


cotton candy!!!! :) :) :) ok, that's not us... but so sad, my camera wouldn't turn on after the concert X|;;;;;;; ugh. that was scary, i hoped it wasn't broken from being smashed between people while hanging from my wrist...............

so then... dragging all our stuff with us, we caught one last cab to port authority station. we went inside, downstairs, there were a bunch of bus stops... "which one goes to boston @ 12:00?" "which bus are you taking.." by this time it was about 11:55 or so. "greyhound?" "oh no, that's in the other building." (WHAT!!?!) ohhhh man. we were so tired already, we couldnt miss this!! this black guy said, oh you won't make it if you go that way. come, follow me. he took farre's suitcase and went out the door to the underground parking lot with all the buses. we walked around the corner and there were more buses. he said, 'just follow me, i know where i'm goin. now i don't take no 1 or 2$ tips now, i'm talkin' bout ten dollas. no dolla bills now, that ain't what i accept.' blah blah... ok, we thought he was joking. then we got to the greyhound station. he said, now wheres my ten dollars.... aghhh he was serious -___- so i got my wallet out and luckily i had a ten! and a few ones =/ so yeah. then we went inside. and got in line. but... the headline above the door said... 12:30??!?? it was 12 already and nothing was happening. ohhhh gosh.... we did all that and still had to wait half an hr!!!! agh. we were so tired of carrying all this too. backpack, suitcase, i had my boots in a bag, plus the duffle of food....... 2 purses... it was a lot. so we chatted with this lady in line with us who said she was from NY but moved to boston. she just broke up with her jerk bf who'd lied to her about cheating, wrote a bad apology, did all kinds of stupid things. i said good for her, guys are so dumb. she said they'd been together 2 years =/ that mustve been tough. then we talked about the city of boston and how it's so low-key and smallish compared to NY... we've got newbury st, but thats as exciting as it gets.. prudential is expensive, and it's also all the same. people in NYC are all so different, there's lots of unique people you see walking around. and in boston, everything closes when it closes. in NY, places are always open!

... anyhow. a bus came, all the 'priority' people boarded and a few regulars. by this time, the line was soooo long behind us!! good thing we'd thought it was a 12:00 bus... although we didn't have to take the shortcut. -____- but still, ..... well the first bus filled up (and who knows how they got priority, or what it even means... all the seats are the same!) so we had to wait for a second bus. and we were like third in line for that one, good thing. we got on, so tired..... and it finally left ~1. we tried to sleep but my nose hurt from the air and it wasn't too comfortable :( kept waking up...


at 4:30 we got to south station in boston. so sleepy... found our way to above the subway area (which involved going outside, it was FREEZING cus we were wet still) ...went to the bathroom.... at 5, we went downstairs. subway? i was so sure i heard it coming, but that looming sound was continuous :( it was like a constant almost-here.



so, so tired... waiting for the subway... (YAY, my camera works again!! whew)

.... 5:15 maybe? 5:20. no, nothing came til 5:30. you couldn't actually hear it until you saw it. and the subway was almost full!!! (??) man! i wouldve been surprised if 2 people were on it. but no. i guess everyone goes to work on it. which is so sad, since we hadn't really even slept yet.... with all our stuff....... rode on home to kendall....... that ride was really quick too, compared to NY. it had usually taken us ~45 mins to get anywhere.

we got off, started toward senior house.... so tired.... and really cold.... its a good thing that dorm is so close. and also good that the security guard was nice, since farre had lost her ID and it was 6 in the morning...... i'd asked tim to wake up to let us in but we didn't have to.

i got all my stuff together, said bye and rode home on my bike (it was really cold -___-) and checked my email on athena since seng had my computer for fixing.... and saw that my 7.02 paper intro was due at 11!!! i had 7.05 at 930-11. miserable... plus, i didnt feel good... i just had to shower! well i did that first. and wanted to sleep..... anyhow, the work/stress is a different story.... but...

that next day (yesterday) we went through the day sick and sleepy... i took a 3 hr nap and felt worse. ate ramen for dinner... struggled through 6.00 pset to turn in at midnight... and by now it's the end of the important story.

but MIT keeps going...... hopefully we'll find another break this semester to get back to NYC to have a great time again!! ^____^

**i have to sincerely thank farre for taking me to NY to see my favorite band in the whole world, also her family for hosting us... but especially her for endearing through all the tiring adventures and confusing subway rides. we spent half the trip in the subway!**




speaking of, i took this video sometime on a long ride:

(oops, i also uploaded the video at http://youtube.com/watch?v=KL6_b8ABTiQ)

and afterward we each gave them 2$. i asked that little boy in white how old they were and he didn't want to answer me... but he said that he was 8 years old and the other boy was 13. then the older boy scolded him for telling people, because they probably couldn't be doing what they were.... but poor kids! we wondered if they had a home, or if their parents worked hard jobs (this was late at night, like midnight time) but either way their parents definitely weren't looking after them enough. =/

***edit

OMG, yunji sent me this article ^____^

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/20/arts/music/20toki.html?ex=1204174800&en=f9e34012443ddbea&ei=5070&emc=eta1

hah another news thing-- i was there!! ^___^

http://www.nypost.com/video/?vxSiteId=0db7b365-a288-4708-857b-8bdb545cbd0f&vxChannel=NY%20Post&vxClipId=1458_241478&vxBitrate=300


P.S. why do i even like this band? check out this video: (my favorite - spring nicht)

heres the german version with english song, which i think is the best


this is the official english version, which is different than german (and i think not as good because it has less feeling- they dont show him singing as much).

my break so far

.... pretty boring. i'm bored now, at least.

i go back next wednesday... i'll have been away from MIT for a month. not too long but not very short either.

i'm satisfied with last semester's grades, i guess. B+ in film class kinda hurt- i really tried. but, i'm not too good with communication =/ although they had unrealistic expectations for how much material we had to know about the many films and lectures!


...........(unfinished)