♥ sweet tea

i don't mind walking home

2010-02-03T19:35:00.002-05:00

alone in the dark, as the relationships in my life each rest daintily on the surface of clear, dark stream waters.

it's not a big deal

2009-12-16T20:30:00.003-05:00

emotional weight:

i am often ready to crawl up and stop existing.

I got flaked out on. why did i get flaked out on? why is he avoiding me? you know what, i'm totally ready to not have a boyfriend. if I did that, he and I would both have a mental collapse. yes. but the reasons why he didn't want to come visit me are too obvious. it's only for a day, there's nothing to do here, he's been busy and has other things to do, i can see him in another month anyway, it sucks for him to have to leave at 4 am on friday when i leave, and probably also that he shouldn't be under my power control or whowhat something like that.

this is only terribly ironic and sad because the same thing happened last year. except last year, I got food poisoning and i was dearly, dearly relying on being able to see him before february, having had a terribly lonely semester. He said, well the weather is bad and maybe you have a stomach virus so it's not worth it for me to come. I curded way the heck out, and "guilted him" into coming to see me for 12 hours. yes, it ended up being worth it for both of us.

maybe now he's thinking i'm not worth it anymore. I mean, we do have a lot of differences. halloween was one of the best times i've had with him, but thanksgiving was a bunt. I use up words when i don't know what it's called. thanksgiving was like... we're really different. awkward-sad-bad let's watch a bunch of movies and okay i'm moving on with life now. perhaps because i initiated the weekend with, "LEO you are not a motivated guy and i need someone who is heading in a direction and makes cool things and is someone I really admire, and you are not like that." what could he say to that? "sorry, i'm trying-" well, i said what i feel. and i still feel that exactly. who he is does not change from month to month regardless of whether i see him or am able to tell him what to do or not.

I am almost pretty much getting my period and that is probably contributing to this internal storm and maybe to him not wanting to come over.

it's fine, he doesn't need to come over anyway because i am busy uprooting my room to take things home for the final semester.

i'll dance all night until my feet bleed
six feet under's where you lie
no remorse, your real thoughts kept you running

tired of it all

2009-11-18T00:45:00.001-05:00

I am happy to be alive because......

because.............................

.......................................................................

.............................. because.................

........

ummm.........

long distance

2009-07-31T15:12:00.002-04:00

you get in a fight, and you're arguing with this person like you don't know them anymore. But what you do know is that they aren't treating you in a friendly way. You explain to them what you don't like about their behavior (stop treating me like how you act to your parents.) You give examples, and they pick at it saying "well why didn't you bring this up at the time" or "so we didn't end up going that day, why does it matter?"

"No, I'm just explaining that I can't deal with it when you aren't upfront with me about your feelings."

he needs to stop thinking I'm just another person to say "yes" to without even being conscious of what I'm saying. people who do that just want you to shut up and stop talking to them so they can focus on the TV. even though what you're telling them is that they need to do something good for themseleves, which you are explaining to them in the first place because you ACTUALLY CARE about them and their future.

I've been crying all day today. i need to study........... 3 days til the dat

extremely sad right now

x

2009-06-28T13:58:00.001-04:00

The social stressors associated with suicide are loneliness, rejection, and marital conflicts in developed countries.

backlog of statuses

2009-06-27T16:49:00.002-04:00

6-11
please talk to me like a friend, not a preacher. that just made me say UGH.

6-15
agh just took the midterm DAT and FAILED on the chemistry, i need to study sooo much ><;;

6-20
my birthday was pretty good, i should start a new blog!! ^___-

6-23
omg just saw up with flo (sweet BU friend) and it was good!!

[ yeah so much for starting that blog]

today:
just bought a new CAMERA on ebay!!! woooo so excited, it's a canon sd1200, orange - flo showed me her old sd1000 and it's really awesome. i wanted to get a good, decent one so it cost $175 instead of ~100 for another cheapier model like samsung/nikon/kodak. plus, it's brand new - yesss

so, about starting that new blog.... hmmm... they say it's the way to promote your stuff on etsy. i've made time to make a couple of bears so far and a prototype loch ness monster that needs work but above all i need a camera to get things started.
that's what i tell myself.

right now i'm going crazy because i can't...
i can't get past this thing in life that perpetuates my soul with MEANINGLESSNESS.

there's no one here, ever, for the past 3 years, to be like: hey, remember that time when we did this :)

i am on the path to go through life shooting at whatever star i tell people i'm aiming for.

ALL I REALLY WANT is companionship. give me meaningful days, give me a life that's happy from one day to the next. that means something, that's worth my living breath on this earth.
because i don't see it.

and i keep on saying that i can't take it anymore but each step takes me further to the edge. i can't take it anymore. why am i living?

i've said this repeatedly since the early winter of 2006. i didn't get it.

i still don't get it, but... with maturity i find myself closer to the answer. and the answer is, if you don't like it, don't do it. i'm swearing to myself right now that i don't want to do anything, keep on doing anything-- that is so meaningless. i'm tired of this random random socialization, it serves purely as distration or lessons for life and it's hurting more than it is helping in the companionship department.

... well, i just called leo.. and he says that people fade away. everyone fades, but what you earn for yourself stays with you. so..... i guess i feel better. one step closer to cramming myself through the DAT.

the depression that follows

2009-06-01T10:00:00.003-04:00

a very summarized conversation with the smart sam clark

me: hey sam.... i wanted to ask you something psychology-related.

sam: ok, shoot! i love psychology stuff.

me: hmmm.... well, you know i haven't been able to study all day. :( [yesterday] i have no motivation and it's killing me because i'm supposed to study for this DAT, but i just feel alone and bored and i can't make myself do it.

sam: yes, long-term studying like that is very self-motivated and it's tough because unlike a regular class it's at your own pace and etc.

me: yeah, well :( the thing is, for me i feel like i have no one that i'm really close to around here... so it defeats my motivation because i like my life to be propelled by people. if there's someone i really care about around, i can do whatever i need to. otherwise everything seems so pointless. i had this same exact problem a year ago, especially sophomore year and i just could not study when i really needed to. i'd stay up all night and do nothing, it's so frustrating. that happened when i had a really bad relationship experience with jonathan, this jerk of a guy and it was very on/off and a bad experience. but yeah, the times when i would see him and then not see him would leave me in a depressed state of being able to do nothing.
and right now as you know i've been talking to josh less..... >< because he's far away in long island...

sam: ah, yes. i see what's going on here. you have set this primary, high goal for yourself that you want a strong companionship which you place above everything else. now when you fail at that goal, you feel like you let yourself down and all of your other smaller goals like achievements crumble into pointlessness and so you just lose the motivation to work again. a lot of people experience this kind of disappointment and such, even athletes who set goals for themselves to achieve-- when they don't perform how they wanted to, they just feel bad and retreat into losing motivation to do anything else. And especially because you just met josh, so you feel like you finnnallyyy may have achieved this high goal, and now that you're talking less it's even more of a bummer that it's not working out for you right now.

me: gahhh, that's it exactly, all this pointlessness +___+ that's exactly how i feel.
><

sam: yeah, and there was very little sun last week, so your serotonin levels are not sufficient and you are probably being affected by seasonal-affective disorder and it's making you feel more depressed and not motivated. get some sun!!!

me: its fine! ive been outside. i sat in my windowsill today. [before the rain] but... anyways... the thing is, i did really well last semester. I got 4 A's!!! and 1 B.... and i didn't have josh or leo then.

sam: wow that's great!!! :D but you still have to get more sun. and, we have to figure out, what did you do that gave you the motivation to get your work done. was there a lot of stress last semester, or what?

me: yeah, i was taking really easy classes. also, i had a regular ish social life with random people. like for the luau, the hawaii club met up a lot. [ah, also my 9.70 group meetings] and daniela's been here so i have someone to hang out with.

sam: so it sounds like you were able to distract yourself from your failed goal of wanting companionship by filling your life with constant distractions. Also, this phenomenon gets amplified by stress. so probably right now you're feeling pretty stressed about your anatomy and other stuff, while there's hardly anyone around on hall and everybody's gone, etc. but when you could fill your life with distractions in the semester, you could avoid feeling alone and down and just keep doing random things.

me: yeah, that makes a lot of sense! that's what's going on.... so what am i supposed to do right now???

sam: well, so how about leo though? you said your life was better after you met him?

me: yeah it's been great, he definitely keeps me sane. it's just that he's so far away so it doesn't really count for much, and also since he's not in school we can't relate to these kind of things. =(

sam: it sounds like from what you told me that you guys can connect on some level very well, but not in all areas. especially that he's a non-christian, there are definitely some things you're getting frustrated about and from this i would say that you can't connect really, really deeply. For me, i have in my life avoided getting close to anyone who is a semi-match but not a perfect match to my personality. because you are wasting your time! when you get close to someone who isn't a really good match, you lose part of yourself and also you might miss out on a better person that God had planned for you.

me: yeah but!! it's kept me sufficiently happy and i would not regret being with leo, because he makes life okay when it gets bad. plus, if we take the value of happiness on life on the day-to-day scale, shouldn't you be as happy as possible each day of your life? then it makes better sense for me to be with him. Sure yeah, maybe things aren't gonna work out later because there are some big differences there. but it has been worth it making my life better.

sam: but you're still occupying your life with someone who is /not/ the perfect person God intended for you. What if you miss out on that person because you're stuck with leo?! what if you meet him very soon and you're already taken up? but i can't say that being with him is bad or good, maybe leo will become a christian later or he will be the one, or something.

me: ugh, okay-- well whichever, this is still not helping my situation now. i'm supposed to be studying for the DAT!!! how do i do this?? :( i still feel no motivation, i still have no one.

sam: well, the way you do this is you just focus on your smaller goals: you want to do well on the DAT. focus on that. In the semester, besides socializing with random people you also had random fixations on things, and this further distracted you from your disappointment in yourself. So just try to really focus on what you want, and make that one of your fixations. Get more sun!!

Remember that you have nooo control over meeting people. The reason you're so disappointed in your life is because you've been trying to take things into your own hands. All this time, you've been trying to make things work for yourself. What have you even trusted God with over these few years? Name me something.

me: ... uhhh..... hmmm... nothing major that i can explicitly remember...... =/

sam: aagghghh1!!!! see! the point of being a christian is that you trust God with stuff!!! you have hope and faith that He has everything planned out for you, and you just know that right now obviously isn't the right time for you to find that perfect person, because you haven't met him yet. so you still need work! you can't just go find random people and try to make it work when you find that it doesn't and your own efforts just can't compare to God's. you're messing up His plan!

me: yeah... BUT!! what are even the chances of finding a crazy person that would fit me!?!? theres like no chances!!

sam: WELL... the chances are close to zero when you're trying to take matters into your own hands. If i was talking to a non-christian person, i'd say that all they can do is focus on school and just try to hope in the random chance of the universe that they will find what they are looking for. But that's the difference with non-christians! They don't have hope, they don't have the security and trust that we do. Tiffy you're supposed to be trusting God with all of this! That's all you can really do, and just be really, really happy every day with what God has done for you.

me: wow, sam. yeah.....
i guess as you know i was kind of taking a hiatus from absk and stuff this semester.

sam: yes i noticed!! tell me why though.

me: (i tell him problems pertaining to absk and the atmosphere etc: pet phenomenon, invisible pressures, sterility and secrecy of everything)

sam: ahhh wow, i had no idea!! tiffy we should have been talking about this earlier. it's so interesting! and it's so asian. i completely understand everything you're saying, i wonder if there's a way to fix it....
But! it's time to go to bed now, let's definitely continue this conversation tomorrow.

Copyright © God 2009

Sam and i really have a lot in common. he used to wear black pants with decorations like studs and safety pins on them!!! who knew?! i said sam, i didn't know you used to be cool!! he thought that was funny. XD he also has sisters 19, 16, and ~9 which is the mirror of my family except i also have a tiny sister.

and who knew that he's a really strong christian. we had a talk a while back on relationships and finding the perfect person and he's 100% convinced that God has someone lined up for everyone. very encouraging.

sam is sooo funny when he tells his stories and he's so knowledgeable about psychology and relationships in particular. he is incredibly good at identifying people's problems and defining them. But when it comes to solving them, he says... This is the part where you have to trust in God!!

a real blog post

2009-05-24T13:04:00.002-04:00

something really amazing happened.

For all those infrequent occasions on which I would talk to God, and wish... ask... hope that He had someone in mind for me. a friend, I've always needed my friend.

In high school i sucked it up and waited it out, not having a best friend. it bored me and made me sad but my family was there, it was all right. i hoped my highest and naive hopes that when i came to college i would find that perfect person! and hopefully at the start.

Come 1, 2, 3 years of being in boston.... every one of ~680 people i met both here and at home (facebook friends), not one of them was my best friend. where were they?? >< through terrible desperate and lonely times i bumbled through life, sometimes seeking God and sometimes trying to figure things out for myself. Dramatic things happened, people and i were messed up - confused - angry - sad - hoping - excited - glad - relieved, every dramatic emotion there is. but nobody really really cared for me hour-by-hour, here so that i could live for them, so we could hang out. all the time. no one despite my desperation. =/

Okay, so anyhow... that's all the miserable part of my life years. and who's to say that it's not still all downhill from here, from my miracle childhood of constant happiness.... [sad nostalgia] but things-

have now changed. at MIT.

i thought, i knew.... from the time i looked at the guide book to the 11 dorms, that i'd find the one i really liked. Senior Haus! I really liked it. i wanted to live there. Parents knew better, parents said NO.

i was forbidden to be with people who potentially shared the same interests and personality style.

so i skipped around a few places and i thought i knew that i was doing the best i could.
finally i had strong feelings that i finally needed to be where i really wanted to be. so i moved out of the place from prisonary solitude and into the fiery pit of hope.
Hmmm... most of an academic year went by, and i hardly talked to anyone in this place. suitemates were nice, thankfully. then

Tuesday after my one 24.08 philosophy final:
i wandered around into the courtyard, where Paula C. with purple hair, a girl who's always nice to me, was hanging out. Chances are she or Dorota was tire-swinging. A cool thing to watch.
I sat on the cement willing to socialize for a change, to pass the time now that I was partially free, to try to meet just a few more people. I should have known so many more by now ><;;

Paula was there, and a boy with pinkish purple-faded hair. which seems to be often in his eyes. she introduces me to him... josh. and goes swinging. Alison comes by, paula's best friend/roommate, and they sit and talk. i just hang out. At some point we all get on the bench over by the wall to spy on Hockfield's backyard and some caterers are there for a dinner party. Hmmm.

finally, paula and alison wander off and another guy is in the courtyard, swinging and josh is talking to him. This is awkward, my friend is gone... but I want to talk to josh some more..... well, after mulling around a little aimlessly i go back inside to the lobby. Hmm, that black guy wearing a purple shirt against proposition 8 is here. he has rainbow suspenders and he was cracking his genuine whip out in the courtyard. now that he's on the computer i wander over and talk to him about his shirt. He says some random things.. then he walks away to go back outside. Uhhh... hmmmm...

I was left sitting on the couch as (stephen?) walks out, and josh wanders in.... i can tell from the past half an hour that he's a really nice and considerate person. he wouldn't leave anyone out, and he knows a bit what you're feeling. did he come in looking for me? this is awkward, im just sitting there. does he care?
"Hey -- hanging out?"
"uhh, I was talking to stephen but he just walked out... lol"
"oh. =)"

then we ended up talking. he likes to build things, while i'm a lazy bio major not really interested in knowing how things work but more about the ease of the course through memorization rather than genius smarts. this kid seems pretty smart.

Then we say bye, and I add him as a friend on facebook. ...... his name is "josh muffinator." a gmail search shows one of the few emails he sent to the house was interlaced with "muffins." huh? I ask him on facebook, and apparently he just really likes muffins, nothing else connotated by the word. =)
I say, if he really insists on liking them so much I will have to bake some for him! i admire people that have passion for something.

So a day later I grab muffin mix.

Another day later i tell daniela we have to bake them. I will give some to him and some to the hall before they leave.

But... seems I got too much mix and not enough cups or tins. I email out to the dorm and ask for them... of course josh has tons! So i go to get them from him (there's like 10 muffin trays in the drawer) and he offers to help.. "If you want to help me. =)" yay! now we get to bake together....

We start baking in 2nd ware and make the chocolate ones first. Then daniela comes in to help but accidents happen and then she leaves. so.. then we experiment with baking and add to the plain muffin mix (no canned cruddy blueberries) sprinkles, marshmallows, stale honeycomb cereal, cinnamon, and oregano.

Hmmm.. then we're pretty tired because we both like to sleep early so forfeit the chocolate chip/cornbread mixes.

While waiting on the oven we talk... a lot. =)

he doesn't drink
he doesn't smoke
he doesn't do drugs (he tried a couple but is done)
he almost would have been a virgin but for a regreful event and now is a celibate person.

Now, the chances of all of these things being true in Senior is small, but in the view of little faith common sense would say that there's probably a strong correlation between all those values- if you have some, you have the others. :) including being a morning person! which I really am at this point in life. XD

So we're done baking, cleaning up... I give him most of the leftovers which people haven't yet snatched up to pass out to people he knows.
it's sad to say bye...

but a while later i realize, i didn't save one for someone who gave me baking cups!! >< so i frantically go down the hall to find him. can't find him... paula calls him with a ring and he comes back, with... an empty tray... =/ but, he already gave one to the girl i owed. :) so we're set.
Not wanting to leave them, i follow paula and josh to wherever they may be destined. Don't know exactly what happened, but we ended up at Towers in dimitri's room and we watched as he worked his amazing 1948 ham radio which had many knobs on it and could catch frequencies from all over the world. =) so so cool.
And we watched his light display which lit up to the notes of the songs. =) relaxing...

Then we watched some of Mister Lonely... a very interesting movie.

hours later we went up to the rooftop to sit on a ledge beyond the railing and to look out on the city. me and josh talked.

and then the sky started to light up.... so we went inside. it was chilly!

By this early in the morning, we found that we had so much in common, and we could get along, and so many other things you just can't describe. <3 this boy was everything i wanted in a best friend

.... a bit of silence and awkward pause after we ran out of conversation in a random hallway, and..

"so.... i think i would like to be really good friends with you..."

what he said to me felt like a proposal from the person of my dreams. he did like me!! my heart jumped. i was so happy... "i really like hanging out with you too, i mean... as you know, in the 3 years of being here at MIT there just aren't people like you here..." it was hard to keep myself from crying.

we went upstairs to hang out some more until it was about 5 am. we had to sleep!

So i slept for 4 hours, and woke up from habitual earlyness... went to the anime convention and picked a cat for him. gigi from kiki's delivery service, $37. but so cute. he liked it X)

Came back, he was finally awake =) we hung out for like 4 more hours as he showed me his electronics projects... then i went bowling with absk significantly tired. but it was fun.

I got back at midnight and was happy that josh was still awake. i went upstairs to help him pack til about 3, then we had to go to sleep again.... (hate saying goodbye)

getting up 6 hours later we set back to work packing up his stuff. his parents came by at 1, after we'd wandered around outside... and packed everything.. put it in the basement. come 5 pm it was time for him to leave and i'd acquired a few bags of his stuff, so he can stay with me in july when he comes back so he doesn't have to pay rent! hurray for having a best friend roommate, i do hope!

Also on saturday we took a ride around on his bike (Star [simpson]'s bike), and it was amazing. i loved it, it was amazing. ly fun. :)

i also have been entrusted with gonga, a crazy huggable gorilla who has 3 holes in him, unfortunately. check my facebook pic. =]

All in all it was about 23 hours of hanging out in a span of less than 2 days. I had so much fun, i really like this person....

And i'm really happy. probably the happiest i have ever been at MIT. though i've adjusted to living alone and with occasional social contact, and staying sane with leo, i found the one i really wanted. what can i say to God?

Okay, well.... it's complicated that josh has to be a boy.

complicated.

but we've established that he has a longtime-gf, as in best friend since 7th grade and they are pretty much made for each other and share the same brain. Nobody can compete against that, but

I'm just glad i have a friend /here/ at mit and not in some other place away from me!!!! T____T we have so much in common it's great to hang out.

And leo has some qualities that josh doesn't, such as his ridiculously silly sense of humor or interest in other things.

But josh is motivated and interested in things, and he DOES stuff. lots of cool stuff. i love that.

I like paula and josh because they take imagination and curiosity seriously. =) that says a billion words about them and me liking them.

Sigh... now he's gone, back to NY... for many weeks... and i'm here alone to study up on bones and organs ...

i'm really happy..... next year is going to be amazing!!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

btw, josh has very beautiful eyes. when they aren't behind his hair. =)

i love these lyrics

2009-05-09T13:56:00.004-04:00

Everything's an act
When you're pleasing everyone.
And he assumes that role
To such renown.
He played a perfect part,
Straight from his heart
Knowing the risk he takes
And hoping that the house
Is not brought down.

The role of a lifetime is living a fantasy.
The trauma that you struggle to erase.
Thoughts battle words over deeds
A war with such casualties.
All played out behind a smiling face.

God, I need your guidance
Tell me what it means
To live a life where nothing's as it seems.
Spending days in silent fear,
And spending nights in lonely prayer.
Hoping that one day when you wake,
Those feelings won't be there.

So confused because I feel complete with him.
When we're alone it all somehow makes sense
Look into his eyes for some compromise
Remember the word "FORGET"
And try to bury something so intense.

You learn to play the same girl,
Your lines become routine.
Never really saying what you mean.
But I know the scene will change--
White picket fences, and a dog
A trophy bride, and children,
God, I know that's what he wants! ><

But [Jason] what role do I play,
Am I a savior or a phase?
Am I here to damn you?
Or to help you navigate this maze
Where confusion is a crime,
So you fill your life with sound,
And if you dance like hell,
You hope you'll never touch the ground...

What happens when the music stops?
In the silence will he stay?
One day you'll realize that these feelings
aren't going away,
So we drive ourselves insane,
Spinning circles in our souls,
As we dance around and p l a y p r e t e n d.

And once again.....
Reprise our roles

"see me" -- what if ?

2009-05-05T21:04:00.004-04:00

Mother, I need to talk to you

Honey! I was just gonna call you

Theres something that you need to know

Gone a week, I miss you already

I'm just gonna spit it out...

How is school going?

You probably guessed it years ago.
Still, it's kind of hard to say

we're so excited about your applications.

It's something that I spent so long not saying....

I told your dad, he's cheering for you.

Sometimes it's on the tip of my tongue,
but only spoken.. aloud... alone... while I'm praying

I know you'll get in everywhere.

All I ask is an open mind

Um, perhaps now isn't the best time...

it's such a lonely bridge to cross

I'm taking a friend to lunch.

I've searched for answers on my own

She's so proud of you!

And find that I'm completely lost

Mom-- please, don't say anything else. just listen.
I don't know where to start.
I can't even get the words out..
it's like they're all jumbled together.
Mom, I love you, and--

Berkeley took their waiting list!
Didn't you apply?

Mom, please listen to me.

Where did Washington go? People will be disappointed.

Mom this important, mom you need to listen
please don't shut me out here, mom you need to see me...

Please, I'm so busy here-- let me call you later, dear.

God, this is so hard to say...
I'm so afraid you'll turn away
Mom, I--

Please, I need a break, whatever it is will have to wait.
I'm going to hang up now-- I really need to hang up now.

Don't hang up, this took such courage!
I'm dying here, I'm all alone...
Just let me tell you... Mom--

Please, I can't solve all your problems.

Mother you know nothing of them!
and I'm not expecting you to find solutions
Just to be my mom and my friend....

I assure you that I am in no state of mind to discuss anything right now.

I've been waiting to tell you this... since I....

I'm going to go now.

You don't want to hear me
Can't bear to think that....

Well, you tend to dramatize

And so do you, mother
Open your eyes

Please, I have to go now
I really need to go right now
I'll call you

When mom, when are you going to call?

Soon. This week, this weekend.

We can work this out together

Maybe before then you'll get it worked out.

This is always on my mind!

I have so much on my mind.

Please don't hang up....

I have to go.

please.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bKS_bXgUDo

wanting to die

2009-05-04T20:44:00.004-04:00

i hate reaching this point

it comes around when all i want is an escape from the demands of reality and this permanent loneliness.

the ONLY WAY to reach SOMEONE is THROUGH A COMPUTER

i hate it

i hate this whole life

i really want to go to another country where everyone is poor but no one is tormented by the horror of having to live alone

i can't stand it and theres nothing i can do about it

except cry and try to wait until something happy comes along

i can only live vicariously through bare on youtube so many times, this is a limited exercise

and when i hate myself which is always that underlines the justification for my reasoning, and the conclusion i reach of the ultimate escape.

living if only to keep on watching the scenes over and over addicted to wisps of a promise that i knew was dead as soon as it started

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
but there is a birthday

SO WHAT

curse and swear, thats all you have left, thats what they did in the play

and hate society for leaving you alone like this

i am peter

peter...... forgave God

i saw bare again last night

2009-05-03T18:11:00.002-04:00

and this time i didn't cry. =)

i saw that, it really was just a sad story. and i picked up a few things that i missed the first time around.

it was a really awesome production with a good message that gay people shouldn't be discriminated against.

the first time around, i saw something different....
but i guess that's gone and done with now?
i'm thankful to God for providing me with an ear and some coping mechanisms...........

awaken into loneliness

2009-05-02T00:15:00.003-04:00

i cried.

i cried and cried and i sobbed and then after it was over, i cried so much i couldnt stop. until now. or still crying

guess it must have been a good play, right?

i'm so confused. what am i SUPPOSED to feel?
did anyone else cry? probably not

every time they were together it broke my heart. it was just.. hmm... very sweet. how else to put it?

i can't even put this into words. random phrases of my emotions:
EVERYTHING IS SO ALONE
I JUST WANT TO DIE but not by the swine flu, i prefer immediately
WHY
I DONT GET IT so whats the point.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN
BREAKING broken
OVER forever

that's all i have to say.

bare was a good play.

suck. retreat.

2009-02-08T16:44:00.003-05:00

this weekend was a total waste of my time.

way to completely drain my $70 and my saturday, and sunday.

the messages sucked, i couldn't get what i wanted/needed/expected. i was very disappointed by becky jdsn's rambling.

i dont feel like going back to bbc for a while.

i could hate myself for throwing away my time but there was no way i would not have gone, i had SO MUCH on the retreat. don't put your faith in the church.

the engine, motivation

2008-11-22T17:11:00.005-05:00

it is especially ridiculous and unnecessary that my mother hands out gold stars and praises to GOOD GRADES.

my happiness and fulfillment of needs is on a lower par
than the achievement of GOOD GRADES regardless of how i do it or what it takes to get there.

i can earn GOOD GRADES without learning the material. i still don't really know what chemistry is. formulaically answering problems. i have no real world skills.

mom, i'm not happy here and life is miserable and i'm not reallyACTually learning anytihng.
it's okay honey, just get GOOD GRADES and i will be so proud of you and it will make me happy.

if you do things that express how you feel and your emotions come out less than basic satisfaction, i will be thoroughly disappointed in you.

do not waste your time gaming, partying, socializing, do not have ample fun. find theBALANCE. get those good grades. awww, you got a B ... well shucks, what can you do better next time? how can you do better? that just isn't good enough, i am so disappointed, hun. hmmm.

well mom, i was trying my best while still trying to keep myself alive and with the minimum level of happiness required to still be alive. [why do grades even have to matter so much]
well tiff, just do whatever you need to do to do better. go talk to the teacher! can't you study with someone else? oh, that person is smart? study with them!!!

stfu. leave me alone. dame it, i hate you. hate this. stop it. i hate learning. go away.

repeating times

2008-08-04T22:08:00.003-04:00

completely alone.... in the middle of a crowded room, among that "family of God".

i didnt go to small group today because i couldnt stop crying... in lab. yeah i just fall apart there, it happens when i go through the day working working and then realize that by the time i finish and go home.... i have to go to sleep, and get up to work again.

that's theoretically possible for many people, except that i have no one to go home to ever for an entire week, nobody knows i'm there or what i'm doing and for that my life is VOID of purpose or necessity and i mays well not be alive. especially when the one person i love the most talks to me less and less every day.

...why do i text so much? because the person who is my family, who cares about me every single day, is reachable through my phone. when they don't talk to me i am totally alone. even my boyfriend i only talk to sporadically, he only responds to my texts sometimes.

it is unbelievably hard to live by yourself. in your single room, in your own world 95% of the week. you know what that means? from the point you cease to exist, there is about a one hundred hour delay until the time when someone in the world will notice you missing.

all summer, i haven't had time to read or draw, things i really want to do. if i'm not working, i am fulfilling some kind of commitment to another person that i don't know that well... basically, hanging out. ive never been a big fan of hanging out, because it seems so artificial. yeah, let's spend time because socializing is a good thing. thumbs up. then we move on and go back to our lives. i still don't know you totally well and we may not know each other in a few years.

if there was one person..... who would love all those faults of mine that i struggle through to identify and fix.... i would not, from freshman year to this day, continually find myself in tears about being so alone. having such a meaningless life. i hate myself, a lot. i can't count anymore the times i wish i could just die.

but maybe i don't really want to die, maybe i just wish i could stop everything and take time to be with God. but even with that i get really stubborn and bitter about and fight myself about whether God is even real, until i just end up sleeping.

i can't spark that relationship thing because i have too much sins. i am deceitful, unworthy, insecure, and also perhaps obsessive. and 'busy'.

if i can get through two more years improving from this worthlessness of my life.... that will be my only real measure of success at mit. that, and my relationship with God.

uhhhh.... which comes first?

working working working

2008-07-24T10:59:00.003-04:00

why is summer busier than schooltime T___T

i've been 'gone' every weekend in july.... gone most weekends in the summer. but those weekends have been fun. :) awesome.

the weekdays...... this week, working 12-13 hours. ugh. >< dame urop... i am definitely not going back in the fall.

and why do i even do this? because i made 2 commitments this summer: internship, #1. "finishing urop work" = #2. now that started out as 'a couple weeks in the summer, max a month' and turned into many months and more than a hundred slides to image. oh, in the end i will count them up.... i will.... because i am a bitter person.......

stealing my summer away when i could be getting to know people better. >/ NOT going back to lab. (my advisor is leaving though, that's also why things are finishing up)

and I don't even make time for God.

so what

2008-05-02T08:56:00.003-04:00

i am so full of criticism right now. for everyone.

in my old age of sophmority i have remorse for people around me that are supposed to matter.

i didnt go to sleep last night, but i have no blaming factors. it was all me. working on a paper.

i have not eaten much other than bagels, cookies, cereal, = sugar + carbohydrates for the past couple of months. i hardly ever drink water that i need to get by. i think my body is sad.
i think not having access to nutritious food is a source of depression for somebody. i am so sick of eating this. i dont want sugar anymore, or bread. i do eat good things some friday nights and sunday afternoons, plus the occasional treat of free food at some event. saucy asian food. well i'm sick of that too because that's the only other alternative, ever. that i choose. i am a picky eater. but i seemed to be ok until this semester. i wish that if i didn't eat my stomach wouldn't hurt me.

i am still tight on schedule, until.... tonight. i have class now. i may be late. i have to finish my 7.02 publication. then i have to clean out next basement when classes are done. and go to steer roast? hawaii club dinner.

my body feels tired. my mind is sort of awake, at least.

i didn't stop since last night. hula practice, bcss event... this short post -is- my break.

how you treat people

2008-05-01T18:52:00.003-04:00

matters.

do you love her? or, is she just a friend.

what are friends?
a relationship with mutual benefits, WITH A CATCH:
nothing is guaranteed.

unless you love someone.
what's love?
unconditional.... forgiveness.

but you need to show someone if you love them!!!!!!

uhhhh

2008-04-13T16:10:00.003-04:00

i have an ethical dilemma.

it involves tsk tsk shouldn't do that
and what am i supposed to do.

talk?

or not??

man, why is it that no one talks???? i'm just being cynical but i don't get this total independence thing. if i had a real sister my age, i'd talk to her about what's going on in my life.

maybe were just like step sisters or something.

ill shoot you

2008-04-10T23:25:00.002-04:00

my
life
is
coming
apart.

my grade in 1/2 of 7.02 (the writing section) = 24/48

now you're gonna say, why? i don't know why! my papers are the same as everyone else's!!! >/

sinnerx100 = me

2008-04-04T03:34:00.004-04:00

i am so distracted.

i thought i was ms. ridiculous, but i'm officially more distracted now. so much, so easily forgetful, forgettable, whatever...

hours of sleep each this week, just because i like to put emphasis:
3 8 4 6 0

if i made the days my way, that would be 8-9 across the board.

anyway.

i'm sunk.

drowned,
dug myself in a hole and burrowed away from reality.

so far, that i accidentally skipped a class yesterday when i needed to go, and i find that i've done things that i completely do not remember.

where's my mental processes at?

i just made a new desktop for myself hahaha

wanna see? ♥
it's awesome, cuz it's got mr. awesome all over it!

i'm so absorbed. so.. much.... you don't even want to know.
oh yeah that cross thing in the middle? idk i just stuck that there, don't know why cuz im feeling loopy

what does God want from me?
surely not the way i'm living. =(

what do I care about? I really, really care about soaking up every bit of ephermeral joy i've got a source of right now.

what is the real story? ask meeeee

and help me save me from myself!!!!!!!! X_____x

- ms. baptized

what now?

2008-03-20T15:39:00.002-04:00

i am ready to get a gun and shoot myself. i just got my german test back... i got a B-. i probably got a B on the first test, and i remember i had a C on the last one. so what do i do now? my friend is going to be here tonight. i have hula practice from 8-11 that i can not miss. i was planning to start doing work for urop lab right now-3:30, until 7 tonight so that i may get at least a bare minimum done that my advisor asked. especially since i haven't had a chance to do much for her yet so far.

but i have another german test tomorrow. and this time, i haven't even started looking at the chapter yet. i usually put off most- like half- of the studying until right before the test, but this time i've done nothing.

this morning i went right into 7.02 just about ready to fail. the test wasn't too bad, but i didn't do super great on it. i only started studying around midnight.

i have a 7.02 lab results writeup due tomorrow.

i don't think i'll be looking at my testimony much today.

my friend from NJ is getting in around 8ish tonight, yes, when i have hula practice that i can't miss. i still have to clean my room.

what do i do? i could complete the bulk of whatever studying i'll attempt to do for german- at this moment, for the next many hours, until practice comes,
or i could stick with my original plan and start doing urop work.

if i don't go to lab, i'll have to come in this weekend, while my friend is here (she came to hang out with me). and that will take many, many hours- it could take an entire day. while the anime convention is going on.

if i don't study for german now, i probably won't... ever. and score a 30% with luck on the test.

i'm getting baptized sunday night, and easter service is going to be ~6am.

i wish i could go to sleep because i keep falling asleep in my classes.

i need to have lab work done by the time i leave, by the time sunday comes around, so i can print out all of the slide pictures to analyze while i'm at home.

except for when i go home, my cousin will be there 80% of the time, to hang out with me
and i have not yet caught up in any 7.05 material since the last test, for the past few weeks.
that is a few days' worth of reading and cheat sheet making.

what do i do...?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
besides failing at my commitments to everyone, i've already done that, and i still am. so many missed hula practices, missed meetings, but i still have failed tests and assignments.

i can't even stay your friend because i fail to see you often at all.
like, i haven't been to church/bible study that much in the past months.

where is this life now....

MOVIE!!!!

2008-03-19T22:43:00.002-04:00

so here it is, the film that broke my back... we had THREE days to make it. filming, editing, make the music, finish the script..... get it all together... we started editing at 2 in the morning, didn't sleep, didn't go to class, and barely got it done by the time it was due, at 7pm. poor farre, we put everything into this. but she's an awesome director, cameraman, music composer and editor!! =)

every scene makes me laugh, though i would laugh more if it made you laugh as well. :P

here is a link to the video...... although i despise the lags experienced from watching it online ><
http://www.ourstage.com/video/channel/3-short-films/EAJYIBZVGPJR-city-of-cranes

the title? it was going to have a random shot of a construction crane in it, but we didn't have time -____- we didn't think of a better title, either.

so....
just know

- it wasn't intended to be silent
- it was not intended to be depressing
- it was supposed to turn to color at the end
(the script was changed at the last minute... although it was never finalized, haha)
- it was never finished because we ran out of time ='(

how many times can you spot kerigan? ;)

i hope.... you enjoy it =/

what does it mean, this faith thing

2008-03-15T01:35:00.012-04:00

because sometimes i know it, and sometimes i don't.
(super-testimony, i hope you can try to bear with me on the length and read through it!)

we just watched the prince of egypt at bible study, it was AMAZING!!! anyone who hasn't seen it has to. amazing graphics... great music... a moving story. my favorite part was the song in the middle by tzepporah's father, about how the value of your life is measured from the view of heaven.

so.. being christian. i always forget what that means, and therefore i have problems. i forget because i am forgetful, and that is something that i know for my lifetime won't get any better, just worse. so how should i overcome that?
write out what i feel IS to love and know God... while I know. =)

first, this is how i tend to start off each day, blank, and let's walk through how i interpret faith.
with a forgetful mind, here is a bland textbook answer i can read to try to suck meaning out of-

random passage i opened bible to example:
romans 1: 29-31.
They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless.

Okay, so don't do any of that. Humble yourself, watch what you do, don't think mean thoughts about people. Don't, don't, dont this and that. got it?

So many things to say about God, but i think that understanding God's message truly involves.. something like a bottleneck. you can see His words from every side, there are so many things to be said and heard. but what about the words? They are commands, examples, values to adopt and copy in your own life. great. Just what we need, more advice on how to live life to be happier. and, these are 'truths.' that means- if i ask you, what's really true in this world of deceit and lies where things are so precarious? and my programmed answer to you is going to be ---because I am a "christian," (whatever that means)--- God's words. okay.. are you sure? Yes, and I will die for it if I have to. <-- this is the response handed to me by the booklist of 'shoulds' and 'shouldn'ts'.

....but.. if i was really about to die, could i hold fast to that answer?

back to the bottleneck: how close can you actually get to the bottle... how well can you know the contents, closely analyzing every side, without being IN the bottle? well, how many things can I tell you about Christian life that you can reiterate back to me, if you wanted to be a "Christian person"? I could tell you everything. I could give you many commands, many reasons WHY you should obey God. but... that only goes so far!! right? If you feel very bad about your life right now, I highly doubt that some purely philosophical or righteous guidance will get past your barrier of defense which has been put up to guard against all the other things life has thrown at you. even maybe guaranteed motivators, wonderous promises of what will come later... maybe that would spark you to OBEY.

more examples of "what I should do", taken from a few sporadic journal entries from my devotionals this semester:

set my heart on things above: hope for, and want what's in heaven. strive to earn it.
have faith that God will provide- don't get worried or doubtful.
trust in Christ = be freed of yourself, don't worry about material things, or ephemeral shininess of earthly life.
go out and produce fruit - work to let other people see God's love through your life.
aim for: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Thank you, galatians 2:22.
Jesus died for you, so you should live for Him.
james 5: 7-12, be patient and enduring until the Lord's coming. so this Christian thing, don't stop. you'll be judged for your life, for all this, so do as God says every time it is 'today.'
memorize God's word, be familiar with the Bible. also, follow it.

blah blah blah blah blah this is great advice, but what does it MEAN.

i can read all that, and think- great, I've read that so many times before. so......?

so, what is the most important thing in life.
to love God.

[if you truly love God, you've found the bottleneck- and can peer into the true meanings of God's words, with a real passion for obeying Him and sharing His love.]

(like dave JDSN asked: do you want God, or do you want something from God?)

okay then, God- i love you. now what?

no, that's not right. do you understand the meaning of "love"?

I'm sure I do, I hear it all the time.

well, you might not.

consider this.
who do you love most? what do you treasure? what things shall rule your life?

(unanswered questions)
........................................

the bible, I think most of it is composed of 3 things: facts/numbers, commands, and stories.

stories.... are the most important part. why stories? not only to give examples of how to live for God and to teach us what is really right and wrong, but...

to prove that God is THERE, and that He loves us. this is a real history, nothing to doubt about it. all of this happened.
moses really saved his people out of egypt, and God did all that for him.

.........
do you know what it's like to truly, emotionally be in love?

that-- that is what God wants you to feel for Him back.

yes, real love. but how?

on the subject of what God did for moses and the israelites, think about what God has done for you.

well, what has God done for me? this is that testimony thing::::: to share how my life has been changed by Christ.

how has my life been changed?

in summary, i thought i was a great christian since high school. i'd looked at every word in the bible from cover to cover (many of them, twice?) and got a little meaning out of it some nights. otherwise, i asked God for what i needed, and things were great.

then i came to MIT. it was hard. really, really hard. i hated the first year.. that was total misery, worse than i've ever endured before. and, at one point, (in fact, it is the first bible study that i took notes on!) dave JDSN challenged us: he said there are 3 kinds of people you find in church..

1- they try to be christian, they struggle in prayer and take sanctification seriously.
2- they live like christians, trying to be like one but they aren't actually. they go to church and pray with babbling asking for blessings, but God is not really in their heart. they are powerless.
3- seekers interested in knowing Jesus.

Yes, #2... that was me. and as soon as he said it, i knew it. i knew it deep inside of me, and knew even long later when i briefly thought about this kind of thing that #2, the worst kind of christian, was me. because all i ever asked God for was what i needed... that was only when i needed it, or sometimes i still needed it but didn't make the effort to ask. i didn't even understand what he really meant by #1, that baffled me. i thought that spending an HOUR a day in prayer was totally outrageous and didn't understand how people could ever come up with that much stuff to ramble to God about, trying too hard to be holy. no, i didn't really think God had that much power in my life. sure, He's real i guess? and stuff, but not really worth much effort.. on my priority list, church + God ranked ~ 4th place. although, i really made an effort to make myself always be at church, always at bible study. i wanted people to recognize that i was dedicated to this group, like wow- she goes to church every single time. and usually, the messages made me happy about my life, they gave me hope things might get better. but I didn't get any better, to God. i just constantly convinced myself that I was a good Christian, I was saved... I was a #1, I had to be. well, I wanted to be. even in the afterthoughts this year i've realized how pointless it was for me to keep on going to church last year, except to build relationships with absk members as a social thing and have great bible study notes for all the times i went that i can now look back on. (which i can now comprehend so much more!!)

[ continuing the story, copied and pasted from testimony draft: ]

My freshman year, I really hated being at MIT. My life was straight downhill from a low start, and I often found myself alone in my single room... which really turned into a jail cell that I hated more than school itself as I often cried about my pointless existence on this earth, so far away from my family. I didn't really make any friends first semester, which was a big mistake; I was so used to people coming to me to be my friend since I used to be so shy. Now I just faced work all the time. WORK, and I had no one who really cared about me. My life couldn't get any worse, and I barely made an effort to ask God to make things better. I didn't really think He could do anything for me, He was just God, that omniscient being. So I went home that summer, and completely forgot about what it means to really be Christian again in a family that I realized was pretty non-religious. Summer wasn't bad, but then sophomore term came around, and I hit the lowest point of my life... many of my morals were torn down as I got caught up in a myriad of highly self-destructive sins, things that I convinced myself were okay because I was so desperate for acceptance and friendship. I didn't know how else to go about grasping for meaning in difficult directions. I couldn't escape the cycles I got myself into, though many times I was "worn down"... yes, worn DOWN to begging God to bring me out of this misery. I ultimately felt very far from God, as I had always been aware of... because He is just soooo good, why should a terrible sinner like me even bother to talk to Him. but there-- bother. I therefore acted like I was too good for God, like He couldn't solve any of my problems anyway and yes, it took all of that suffering to bring me down to really begging for help. but... getting out of this mess? that would be so unlikely anyway! because there weren't any signs of hope for me in any direction, just the far, far off joy of getting to go home eventually. and that's what i struggled to live for. last semester was a really hard time for me, and many times i was ready to give up on life.

During the last bible study of last October, Dave JDSN addressed the stabbing incident that had taken place in my own dorm here at MIT. He talked about marriage, relationships, and all the sin that was caught up in today's society, contrasted with God's will. I realized that what I was living was really, really wrong, and that I just had to face myself.... somehow. I'd been so excited to go to fellowship that day since it would be my first time ice skating (which I've really, really wanted to do since coming here), but I couldn't go anymore. I had to go home and think about what to do possibly do about my messed up life. Maybe pray about it? Maybe, but that never really did much for me. But then, Helen invited me to go out with her to talk about it, one-on-one. I was a little afraid and reluctant, but... what else did I have left? Not a lot. So we went out, and I shared with her everything that had been going on in my life... admitted to all the self- destruction that had erupted out of sheer desperation.... which of course, had never solved my problems, not even temporarily-- it just tended to make things worse. basically, I was so lost. I also told Helen about a dream I had recently that felt really realistic. It's short: it was during a time of war in boston, at night. I was in a house, and my family was there- everyone was afraid. i just remember this one moment, in slow motion I looked out the window at a lake and saw this life-shattering ball of light expanding... we were all about to die. i looked back at my family, and tried to tell them that I loved them. and then I tried to pray. I asked God to forgive me everything I've done in life, and to take me to heaven. I really thought I was going to die, in my mind. I frantically begged Him, but at the same time I didn't really mean what I was saying- it was just thing I had to do in the process of going to heaven, ask for blanket forgiveness and get rewarded in the end. but when death came, everything just turned black. I kept on asking.... and everything was still black around me. completely empty. I waited, and waited... and nothing happened. I thought I was SO sure that God was supposed to take me to heaven, but... i just experienced darkness.

Helen said God was really trying to get my attention. She shared with me some of her testimony, and explained to me that we all have this God-shaped void in our hearts... and that nothing I tried to fit in there would ever fulfill me. She challenged me to just talk to God about my problems, and seek Christ for fulfillment in anything that I needed. I got home very late that night, and I could have just gone to sleep as I might have usually... but I decided to try talking to God.
It was so, so hard to get myself to do, but I did it... (since Helen reminded me that no sinner is beyond God's reach, and we all need our Creator.) .....through many hours of intense, honest, humbled prayer I poured out everything that was in me to Him. and God, in return, graced me with a miraculous awakening to His presence. God WAS really real, He WAS all-powerful, He was totally watching over my life the whole time, no matter how much I'd ignored Him........ He DID want to get to know me personally. (!) that was a huge realization for me, something very new. a personal relationship.
and with that, I finally learned what it means to love God. I realized that everything I'd been reaching for blindly in my darkness was nothing but me trying to make food out of dirt. The earthly things that I clinged to so tightly, things that did nothing for me... I could at last let go. Jesus was able to take away the burden of all my sin, and I was finally free. Helen was absolutely right, as doubtful as I was that anything would ever get better. After all of my going-through-the-motions, I had finally really experienced God's love beyond [getting whatever earthly things I asked for].

It was then that I was convicted to be baptised so that that I may dedicate my life to His will, and not my own. Yes, God is real and loves me, how foolish to be confused about that!

So what's happened to me since then? Of course, that's all that really matters- how Christ has changed my life. right?

Well, since that time, I still faced battles with my old nature for the next couple of months. Satan wouldn't let my life be all good after that. At times I really struggled to be with God again, as my old self just automatically took over and things got hard. but on other days I was simply overjoyed to know Jesus, no matter what the circumstances were. In the hard parts, I think I just wore out poor Helen who tried to tough things out with me, because for the longest time I just could not get past my sins. I think sometimes I was sososo stubborn that people were probably tempted to give up on me. But they didn't, and I really pursued trying to have good faith in Christ, through prayer and petition to help me break out of my cycles of sin-- to work on getting to know God personally. and slowly but surely, God did His miracles in me. I've since been freed of many destructive things that once had a stronghold on my life, as Christ has with His miracles fulfilled my needs, my emptiness, my desperation to feel loved. It's like I'm suddenly able to let go of terrible things, because I can be satisfied with Christ. I never, ever would have believed that half a year ago. Though I have to be honest, it's really been a rollercoaster, my relationship with Jesus, unfortunately. Because yes, I forget His love so easily. But I'm not letting go of my conviction for what it means to LOVE God in return. To really try to talk daily to Christ, and to also really struggle to fully deny myself before God- to accept and realize that there is so much that I don't know, (you don't know what you don't know!) and to be humbled in complete honesty before Him. to know that you are not worth anything in the end, that you -need- forgiveness that you just do not deserve, and to recognize self-righteousness when it creeps up on you.. as if i have a right to ever feel proud, or special, or important. it is sooo hard to fight that, but also sooo necessary. we must also recognize that we have bad sins that we are not aware of! we all prefer to ignore it, because it is easy and more comfortable that way. yeah, just keep thinking that you're a little better than your neighbor since you do X and Y which they don't do. what a terrible way to think! just like the Pharisees demonstrated for us =(

so, worst of all, I am still, more than anything else... forgetful. which continually works to uproot my faith, because it makes all of the above very hard for me to make use of and live by, without re-reading or re-experiencing. =( so much, that i can hardly do what I want. thus, I am still so needy. And it's sad-- i forget about what sins i used to recognize in myself. I forget why I believe that Jesus loves me, I forget why devotional is supposed to be so important. my life gets really-incredibly busy, and I forget what God has already done for me. in a flash, it's all gone, so fast. I can't hardly succeed at any of this the way I wish I would.

so the bottom line is: we're all sinners. let that be one thing you don't forget. THAT's why we need God's forgiveness.

and the only way to get to really know God, to love God... is to pray. Pray, and know the bible, because one without the other won't get you nearly as far as to where you need to be. but as long as you have a relationship with God, that is what matters...

so that when you show up at the gates of Heaven, Jesus won't say- sorry, I don't know you?
like this great prose says: (read it slowly!)

On Judgment Day, it will be you and Jesus.

Today, it's you and Jesus.

In the words of an old hymn,
"What will you do with Jesus?
Neutral you cannot be.
For someday your heart will be asking, 'What will He do with me?'"

I hope that He will welcome you with the more joy than you've felt in a lifetime, and you can finally be with God, in peace. =)

[sorry this is slightly unfinished, but ill fix it later, thanks for reading/skimming :P]

done?

2008-03-02T20:29:00.002-05:00

with work? for once! ok, so not really- i'm lying. much more to do--but i've done enough this weekend. it's 8:30 at night.. on sunday.... it took me -that- long to finish my work this weekend, that's sad!!! ='( i was going to try so hard to get everything done on SATurday to have one free day, but no T___T

anyway. what do i do now?? it's so weird to be done, (which is sad)... that its kinda depressing. that i dont have anything really great to do, but also that there are so many things i could do (that i can't usually) that.. i can't choose. :( err... and i really need to start working on my testimony v___v always more to do...................

today we had really good food at church, for the ordination of byungho han jdsn ;)

emotional disturbance

2008-02-27T00:01:00.005-05:00

i'm so vulnerable.

we are all sinners.

i'm studying: motivated, listening to my playlist on random.
i have lots of songs- songs from all different times in my life, from the britney spears/savage garden of elementary school to linkin park of middle school, and then the hip hop/r+b time period in 8th grade that includes some good songs. stuff thats nothing like nowday's hip hop song lists which just consist of hard core rapping and one or 2 catchy beats, but songs from j-lo and ja rule, ashanti/aaliyah from that time were different, and good.

like when i hear this song

link: 3LW - never get enough
[it wont let me embed the video -____-]

it makes me think of one person (who i haven't thought of much in the past couple of weeks) and being with him!

it's a good song, but... it really hits a rough part of my life. being with a guy. i don't need guys! but this song tells me that i do. :( people are controlled by their emotions........ right? they are a pretty strong influence, at least.

guys are no good though, i know that..... i do...
don't need a guy...................
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

absence of a "need" --> minor, temporary form of 'suffering'? can you call it pain if you feel like it hurts?
am i just grumbling?

curse real thursdays

2008-02-22T01:33:00.002-05:00

.... agh... anguish.. pain.. flashback...... intense... no....
why does my brain do this to me?! what am i going through???? why is it that
i play a song from this movie...... any one.... all of them incite this powerful feeling in me. such a happy memory, of a summertime, being with someone i really love. somebody who makes me so happy, the one person......
didn't i get over this? :'(

so much that i don't like listening to any songs that remind me of him, i don't. but then what happens? i stumble across a random thing in my life, and WHAM-- i get hit with this big dose of happiness memory. i don't get reminded of happy times of school, or not really ever with friends. always this kid. never ex boyfriends-not really ever, (not good memories at least) but..

he gave me this movie for my birthday. i should have it here with me.....

why
why why why so powerful
why does it always come back?
.......
in the rain.

even if i got married, i

i couldn't break away from that intense emotional pain.. INTENSE..

.......
what do i do?

oh, i'm so sad
so sad......................
what if i wanted to cry over this

oh, dreadful question: what will happen?

i just tell God... ask him why does it always hurt so much...
why is there no one else like this person?

song =

memories::
SUMMER!
night time, air conditioning.
so cold, so warm!
i wish, i love
i stay awake
reach out, and
am eternally happy
for limited moments.

WHY???????

i can give you one word for all of these pungent artifacts i experience:
saturated.
need more?
ecstasy.

if you know what ecstasy is, you know you want it- like a drug. nothing but it, nothing but to savor, savor the MAXimum. nothing less.

i...
love..
my...............

memories.

how depressing!

thursday the 21st

2008-02-20T23:56:00.006-05:00

so.... frustrated.... tired....... ready to give in. why is it so hard to be loveable? or what i mean is-- to be loved? if you really love someone, you don't forget about them. you don't neglect them, or leave them to.... shiny devices, do you?

i can turn to art to help my problems go away. but art isn't a solution, because i'm always faced with the same problem. if i'd found a solution, i wouldn't be having this problem now. if i had a solved problem, i'd be craving to do art anyway.

i like.... decoration. red, pale.

it was really cold tonight. i left next at 9, watched the eclipse from the courtyard. 2 hours later, i headed back. really, really cold. the only jacket i had on was one black one. being numb helped the pain temporarily...
the heater in lobby 7 made me feel better. i'm still cold, i want to take a shower.

now, what does it take to be broken...?
God is the solution.

***

although... my nose is really sore now from 3 days straight of kleenex.

it's my fault because i give up on trying to love people who i don't think will love me back.
and those who i think might... i've tried so many times already, tried so hard. what have i ended up with?
every time i get closer and closer, so much more inspired... to give up.

that if we live on a planet with population: one person, it's better to die to be with someone than to have the joy of one self.
it's better to be in anguished pain than to end up in that situation. so if you think more of one hurt, maybe... maybe you can forget about the other.
that means
if it's physical- think about people who care. who are they? they matter more than you do. it'll be all right.
if it's emotional....

a black hole?
no such luck, kid.

i'm not made for MIT: i can't learn to make robots, and i can't learn to be a robot.

Tokio Hotel Concert: NYC trip!!

2008-02-19T17:58:00.015-05:00

blogtime!!

here's what happened in the past 2 days of a wonderful but tiring trip..... (if the pictures are blurry, just right click and go view picture)

sunday:
got up at 8:30, showered, packed for the trip- that included homework for the bus due on tuesday! got our show tickets ready, put my boots on, rode over to student center to get ample cash and breakfast. (that wasn't easy in boots). then i headed over to senior house.
~10, banged down farre's door. she got so scared!! X| but after some scramble-packing we were able to get out by 11 and print out the greyhound tickets. we dragged our things over to the T and as we got there, the subway left... but that was just a foreshadowing of things to come.
we then arrived at south station, which is HUGE, and lined up to catch our 12:00 bus. when we boarded, we had every intention of doing work.... like when farre took out her computer! but, since there wasn't any internet, she couldn't submit her mastering physics =/ so she played some really pretty galaxy game for the xbox XD it's a paranoia game, (to me) but has amazing graphics. then she started up the sims movie-making demo. it was so cool! you're the owner of a production company starting out in the 1920s, and you can decide what buildings to have on your lot for movie making, like an actor's school, scriptwriting place, and stages, etc. then you tell the writers what genre to write up, and you hire the actors, direct the movies, keep the people happy. and, if you keep playing, you can go into the 2000s! :D the first film we made was REALLY funny... it was a romance genre. since we started in the silent film era, movies are about 3-4 scenes long and you have a couple of options for the actors in each scene, plus the choice of background. i thought that we had a girl and a guy cast for the movie, but... it played out with 2 guys (!!) lol. and the short film is so random and ridiculous with the ugly people in the first place it was just that much funnier. the next 2 movies we made weren't so great and didn't score so well either.

but then her computer died :( so... we talked, and went to sleep. and arrived in NY ~ 4:30. the first thing we did was head over to aunt mary's house, on 466 classon ave. getting there wasn't too bad... we took the blue line from port authority to hoyt schermeron, then classon ave. it was about a ten minute walk along some really quiet streets lined with the NY-style homes or apartment-like homes that all had very vertical walls and were narrow widthwise. but aunt mary's house was the prettiest on the street, inside and out. i guessed it is worth a million dollars! especially with their furnishings... =)

aunt mary is the best, she cooked us up a dinner of turkey, chicken, green beans, stuffing, potato salad and more... but not before we snacked on yummy muscarine grape juice (from arkansas) with cheese, crackers, and chips! and we got to watch cartoons ^___^ what a rarity at school, sigh...

those are such pretty, big wine glasses!

=) there's uncle paul, just home from work after driving a bus around all day.

aunt mary was so nice, we were thanking her for everything and she just said, no, no you're at home here.......if you guys don't be quiet, ima throw you out right now!

farre's distant cousin Sterling came over too, and he's in 5th grade. he's really mature, and i know he wanted to spend time with farre... but unfortunately, it was sad that we just didn't have a lot of time to hang around =(

so after they got a bedroom all ready for us, we headed out on the town again ~ 8:30.

we stepped outside of the subway, and you seriously couldn't tell it was nighttime!!! it looked like a cloudy day, or at least like it was just turning to dusk... everything was SO bright.

.... how do they get those huge ads up??

oh no!! the sanrio store closed at ten already... we'll be back!

a quick stop at the quiksilver store... we were taking pictures, and this guy who worked there came to pose! XD he was really cool, we talked about concerts and going to art school, how he even auditioned for a band (vocals) and was accepted, but he rejected them. (!)

times square!! X)

omg... we spent more than an hour in the virgin megastore. !!! and found a table of tokidoki merch!!! ^____^

what a CUUUUTE sweater!! only $80!! x____X

i bought this shirt :D

♥♥ 30$, not bad for a shirt!

oooh candy shop that we didn't have time to stop in, as we were walking the wrong way away from times sq to try to find pinkberry's....

after all that, we headed home and got back around midnight. we got ready to sleep, and crashed on a really, really, nice comfy bed!! ^___^

all dressed up just before the concert :P

so we turned out the lights around 1...

and soon enough, i got up ~ 8:30 and showered. we were planning to head out by 10, but aunt mary wanted to make us breakfast... she did, and it was soooo good!! mmmm the best biscuits i ever had, sausage, and she made oatmeal specially for me... grits for fayefaye... with tea + coffee. it was great. X) too bad i didn't catch a picture of aunt mary :'(

well, we ended up heading out around 11... destination: hot topic in queens. it took much scrambling around on the subway- jumping on the wrong train, missing a stop since it had a different name, and trying to get from the express line to local with ample waiting time in between. so many times we'd just miss the subway!!! =/ but we managed to get there... around 12:00? we got out at the woodhaven stop, and emerged to find a huuuge mall. we walked around spencers, which has been gone from many a place..... and got to HT!! ^___^ yay. we checked out every corner of that store and got some good deals, and finally around maybe 2ish we ran out to the subway again. back to times sq, which took more time, and got there at... 3ish? we hurried through the small sanrio store that unfortunately didn't seem to have a whole lot of stuff... and ran back to go home again. it was a miracle that we made it back around 3:30. but we had to be ready and out by 4 to get to the concert 2 hrs early!! the ticket read 6:30, at least. so we made it, as aunt mary packed us up bags and bags of food and we managed to stuff all our things together in our bags. it was sad though, farre promised sterling a game of scrabble which he really likes... but we just didn't have a chance =/

so for the last time, we were on the road again... in search of "the fillmore at irving plaza." my little google map printout gave like 3-4 places around union sq that could be irving plaza. so i suggested we go directly to union sq on the line we were on, rather than go all the way back to port authority/times and then jump on other lines. so, we tried that... looked for a 'fulton sq'... and many stops passed by. ....we missed it? oh no- it was called something else!!!! ><;; argh. well, we could cut across the city horizontally by the L line which went to union, luckily. except we just missed that one too. so we got off that subway, turned around to get on another one... poor farre was dragging her heavy suitcase up and down stairs... and we finally made it to union sq. but... where was this place? we walked down the street... no signs of anything. it was getting really late by now, so we just called a taxi and asked to go there. he wasn't too sure what we meant, but he went down the street and turned a corner... and there was a big line of people!! yup, that was it. the taxi guy was nice and didn't charge us. but there was no way we couldve found that by ourselves. so we got into this huge line... which in actuality started not at the block corner, but at the other corner >/ ugh. i bet a lot of them were just rich kids going to see the next cool concert. who knows how long people had been there?

well, we waited in line.... and waited.... and it rained..... and the old nice asian lady with the girls in front of us who had pretty features and wore black, and all spoke french lent us her umbrella. even all the kids before us had their parents going out to buy food for them. -___- well, dragging along all our luggage we waited there... and they finally opened the doors at 7, not 6:30. but the line moved slowly. cameras panned the crowd with a bright light and girls screamed..... and eventually we got there!! X) soooo exciting.... we checked in our heaps of bags and coats, went to the bathroom, and went upstairs. OMGitwassocrowded!!! =/ but... all i wanted was to get close. so we held tight to not get separated, and i managed to nudge my way past people... pretty slowly...... but person by person we pushed through..... at first, one witchy emo girl had so much attitude: you should just give up, you're not getting through. just stand back. psh stupid girl i just looked at her. she made me mad- i didn't know what to do. i shouldve happily said, you know what? Jesus loves you. =) then she would have been soooo mad heheh. but i pushed and pushed... leaned forward..... in a miserable mass of crowded bodies with pressure not letting up from all sides..... =/ waited and waited for the concert to start.... and of course, got way farther up than that angry girl.

we are so ready!!! ^___^

finally, it started!! :D at 8. woooo but then it was really chaos. we were about in the middle of the crowd at this point..... not close enough! as you can see: (but considerably close)

omgggg that was just so incredible, getting to see them in real life!! ^___^ although... it was really hard to enjoy in the environment. X|

woooo.... he's got a cool shirt on as always :) yahay

i really enjoy these pictures now, but... back in the crowd, the air was closing in. girls had their poofy jackets on (!!!) and at one time poor farre got pushed over.. but she was ok. her contact got knocked out in the beginning by some girl's arm, i didn't even know! =(
people's things were on the ground, mystery things. and with people at all sides the only thing you can possibly do is move with the crowd... they lean one way, so do you. but your feet don't move, unless everyone else's feet move. X|

the music.. i recognized all the songs =) but i sang minimally at first.. and then none. after a point, the only thing you could really care about is breathing. seriously. just keep breathing, there is still air. even if you can't move your arms, the only way to wipe the sweat off your face is on the person in front of you's clothes. arms are flying around over your head.... some girl shoved my hair clip down and that was the total end of my hair. :( bad idea to put it in a clip in the first place!! i kept trying to fix it but the big mass got worse and worse and ended up in a dread. -___- it's still tangled today :(

ICH BIN IN IHN VERLIEBT!!!!

they just kept singin and singin..... sang rette mich... and i got to a point where i completely agreed... i think many, most around me felt it too... just save us x___x we aren't animals being herded for veal.... we need decent space... a few times i tried to just open up my arms to push everyone away for a little air. and i gave up on the fat girl in front of me, i moved around the side to still try to get in front..... i just wanted to get up there so i could breathe!!! ahhhhhhhh so bad

it was kind of sad that we couldn't really hear the music... most all the time it was only emo girls singing. =( sighhhh..... and if he said anything, you couldn't hear it as people screamed.

but at long last, they sang 'durch den monsun' (they did through the monsoon somewhere in the middle) and that was it. a great ending to the song, and it was like YES... finally over! we can move again! we can breathe!!! whew.... we stumbled down the stairs, went into the bathroom. it was 9:00. water... was so good. our clothes were totally soaked!! hair a mess, thirsty... bleh. we got our bags back and changed shirts. even my arms were coated in a mixture of hair, fuzz, etc....
out of the bathroom, we wandered around looking for a place to buy merch (how could you leave without it!) and found a tub of red apples... (apples are SO good!!) mmm and the coat lady said there was a table upstairs at some point. i went up and saw a big crowd of people, but wasn't sure if they were waiting for the band to come out or what. farre went around the side of the crowd, right up to the guy, and we bought shirts ^___^ hehe

we each got this one (20$)

yay! its a youth large but it fits good.

so.... after that, we went outside again.... to find a starbucks that hopefully had free internet, so we could find pinkberry. we were in luck around a couple of corners with the starbucks, but no such with internet. =/ so... i had water, fayefaye got iced coffee.... (it was crowded in there, we just shared a chair) and we were off again. so tired.... exhausted....

since i had the addresses of a few pinkberrys, we guessed the closest one and got a cab. (cabs are GREAT.) omg, especially in new york-- they have a GPS system with a map that shows you exactly where you are and where you've been. very cool ^___^

all i know is... we were soooo tired!! but we found the cute shop, shared a yogurt with granola and mango. =)

the place looked something like this.

mmmm!!! :) something like that too.

then around 10 we gathered up all our bags again and caught another cab to st. mark's st, where there are lots of japanese restaurants. and luckily all these places weren't too far, all less than 10$ to get there!

we found what we were looking for -- a place called kenka!! :D

the inside of the restaurant:

and this is exactly what i ate!

fayefaye had pork gyoza, rice, miso soup, edamame... it was all SOOO good. and cheap! :) i drank lots of tea too. except.... the waiter said that the restaurant's minimum was 6.50 per person, while my ramen was only 5 -_____- so... he just added the difference. oh well. then around 11:30ish we had to head out again... but not before getting some 'free'

cotton candy!!!! :) :) :) ok, that's not us... but so sad, my camera wouldn't turn on after the concert X|;;;;;;; ugh. that was scary, i hoped it wasn't broken from being smashed between people while hanging from my wrist...............

so then... dragging all our stuff with us, we caught one last cab to port authority station. we went inside, downstairs, there were a bunch of bus stops... "which one goes to boston @ 12:00?" "which bus are you taking.." by this time it was about 11:55 or so. "greyhound?" "oh no, that's in the other building." (WHAT!!?!) ohhhh man. we were so tired already, we couldnt miss this!! this black guy said, oh you won't make it if you go that way. come, follow me. he took farre's suitcase and went out the door to the underground parking lot with all the buses. we walked around the corner and there were more buses. he said, 'just follow me, i know where i'm goin. now i don't take no 1 or 2$ tips now, i'm talkin' bout ten dollas. no dolla bills now, that ain't what i accept.' blah blah... ok, we thought he was joking. then we got to the greyhound station. he said, now wheres my ten dollars.... aghhh he was serious -___- so i got my wallet out and luckily i had a ten! and a few ones =/ so yeah. then we went inside. and got in line. but... the headline above the door said... 12:30??!?? it was 12 already and nothing was happening. ohhhh gosh.... we did all that and still had to wait half an hr!!!! agh. we were so tired of carrying all this too. backpack, suitcase, i had my boots in a bag, plus the duffle of food....... 2 purses... it was a lot. so we chatted with this lady in line with us who said she was from NY but moved to boston. she just broke up with her jerk bf who'd lied to her about cheating, wrote a bad apology, did all kinds of stupid things. i said good for her, guys are so dumb. she said they'd been together 2 years =/ that mustve been tough. then we talked about the city of boston and how it's so low-key and smallish compared to NY... we've got newbury st, but thats as exciting as it gets.. prudential is expensive, and it's also all the same. people in NYC are all so different, there's lots of unique people you see walking around. and in boston, everything closes when it closes. in NY, places are always open!

... anyhow. a bus came, all the 'priority' people boarded and a few regulars. by this time, the line was soooo long behind us!! good thing we'd thought it was a 12:00 bus... although we didn't have to take the shortcut. -____- but still, ..... well the first bus filled up (and who knows how they got priority, or what it even means... all the seats are the same!) so we had to wait for a second bus. and we were like third in line for that one, good thing. we got on, so tired..... and it finally left ~1. we tried to sleep but my nose hurt from the air and it wasn't too comfortable :( kept waking up...

at 4:30 we got to south station in boston. so sleepy... found our way to above the subway area (which involved going outside, it was FREEZING cus we were wet still) ...went to the bathroom.... at 5, we went downstairs. subway? i was so sure i heard it coming, but that looming sound was continuous :( it was like a constant almost-here.

so, so tired... waiting for the subway... (YAY, my camera works again!! whew)

.... 5:15 maybe? 5:20. no, nothing came til 5:30. you couldn't actually hear it until you saw it. and the subway was almost full!!! (??) man! i wouldve been surprised if 2 people were on it. but no. i guess everyone goes to work on it. which is so sad, since we hadn't really even slept yet.... with all our stuff....... rode on home to kendall....... that ride was really quick too, compared to NY. it had usually taken us ~45 mins to get anywhere.

we got off, started toward senior house.... so tired.... and really cold.... its a good thing that dorm is so close. and also good that the security guard was nice, since farre had lost her ID and it was 6 in the morning...... i'd asked tim to wake up to let us in but we didn't have to.

i got all my stuff together, said bye and rode home on my bike (it was really cold -___-) and checked my email on athena since seng had my computer for fixing.... and saw that my 7.02 paper intro was due at 11!!! i had 7.05 at 930-11. miserable... plus, i didnt feel good... i just had to shower! well i did that first. and wanted to sleep..... anyhow, the work/stress is a different story.... but...

that next day (yesterday) we went through the day sick and sleepy... i took a 3 hr nap and felt worse. ate ramen for dinner... struggled through 6.00 pset to turn in at midnight... and by now it's the end of the important story.

but MIT keeps going...... hopefully we'll find another break this semester to get back to NYC to have a great time again!! ^____^

**i have to sincerely thank farre for taking me to NY to see my favorite band in the whole world, also her family for hosting us... but especially her for endearing through all the tiring adventures and confusing subway rides. we spent half the trip in the subway!**

speaking of, i took this video sometime on a long ride:

(oops, i also uploaded the video at http://youtube.com/watch?v=KL6_b8ABTiQ)

and afterward we each gave them 2$. i asked that little boy in white how old they were and he didn't want to answer me... but he said that he was 8 years old and the other boy was 13. then the older boy scolded him for telling people, because they probably couldn't be doing what they were.... but poor kids! we wondered if they had a home, or if their parents worked hard jobs (this was late at night, like midnight time) but either way their parents definitely weren't looking after them enough. =/

***edit

OMG, yunji sent me this article ^____^

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/20/arts/music/20toki.html?ex=1204174800&en=f9e34012443ddbea&ei=5070&emc=eta1

hah another news thing-- i was there!! ^___^

http://www.nypost.com/video/?vxSiteId=0db7b365-a288-4708-857b-8bdb545cbd0f&vxChannel=NY%20Post&vxClipId=1458_241478&vxBitrate=300

P.S. why do i even like this band? check out this video: (my favorite - spring nicht)

heres the german version with english song, which i think is the best

this is the official english version, which is different than german (and i think not as good because it has less feeling- they dont show him singing as much).

my break so far

2008-01-17T23:31:00.001-05:00

.... pretty boring. i'm bored now, at least.

i go back next wednesday... i'll have been away from MIT for a month. not too long but not very short either.

i'm satisfied with last semester's grades, i guess. B+ in film class kinda hurt- i really tried. but, i'm not too good with communication =/ although they had unrealistic expectations for how much material we had to know about the many films and lectures!

...........(unfinished)

sdjfia;sjkdl;sj

2007-12-18T20:31:00.001-05:00

why am i continually so disappointed by everyone around me??? am i too picky? :'( do i expect too much out of someone if they say they care about me...? maybe it's just the people i try to be close to. it fails somehow, every time.
probably i have a very low tolerance for ignorance which puts most people out of range? since mit makes you selfish.

but...
people who i thought really matter to me....

if i'm that unlovable, please let me know! and why!
--i haven't sensed that yet, because... basically, i don't think anyone's really tried.

conclusions i've reached after the seventy-first time of awful contemplation on this subject(just this semester):
my expectations are too high.

but that's the way they are.

so... do i not belong here?

in fact, i've thought this out so many times i think it's made a hole in my brain by now. like.. water drops.
enough so that it's a fact of me, and that means i don't care if you know. because either it'll force me to get out of here anyway, or struggle through some alternative solution. and that's the way i've been forced to become, it won't change anytime soon.

............

lounge- minimal brain activity

2007-12-18T19:57:00.000-05:00

blah blah blah blah blah i dont want to study 7.033333333333333333

7.05
9.00
7.02
21f.402

perhaps
6.00
18.06
18.03

thats my plan for next semester

i should also....
do something with my life
like maybe take a self-defense PE class.

7.03 final in... 17.5 hours
that's a long time. but not really, there's more to study than i expected...+

9.01
film experience

i'm in 5E small lounge
listening to: ana's music- gwen stefani 4 in the morning
not making cheat sheets
i can't forget my calculator tomorrow again.
gtalk status: psalm 139

...

2007-12-14T11:13:00.001-05:00

these are 3 questions my dad always asks when hes just walking around the house and his mind is working minimally

"who am i, where am i, what am i..."
spesh: "daddy!!!"

*****

who am i: an mit student. the world is so busy that only God is my friend at all times
where am i: 32-155. a 5.12 review session for our final in 3 days
what am i: completely empty. again! what has my life come to? what am i doing??
-> (that's what he really means to ask by the random questions.)

don't want to write about bicycle thieves

2007-12-10T22:32:00.000-05:00

...cus there's too much to write.

omg i think this is the 34th time i've heard *today* nichole nordeman's LEGACY. help!!!! ><;;; i already overplayed that song to myself and i've had enough T_____T it started this morning on repeat from corinna's room, then continued in the afternoon with the a capella version, then after dinner she played the song while tiff tried to guitar it and esther sang... then corinna left, and ana came to the lounge and started playing it... now corinna is BACK playing the song!!! ohhhmggggggg wtf YOU GUYS!!! why am i still in this lounge X| it bugs me a lot but not enough... i have to write this paper so i can go to sleep...... which won't happen in my room... >/ disdain resentment anger annoyance grudges grief!!! :(

repentance T___T there are worser fates. :/
"don't mind if you got something nice to say about"
35..36... my eye is starting to hurt from this song
TEMPORARY TRAPPINGS OF THIS WORLD!

** oops... it stopped a while ago
an hour later, it's back again..
and an hour later, back again...
.... and back again.....

this has become one of those songs i really don't like. like i DON'T like jack johnson. :(

warning: the following passage is kind of explicit. but my excuse is that i should just be like peter and say the truth of what i feel so i can be rebuked, and my insides can be fixed. i started it, but i don't want to feel this way :(
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one of the people i know... i just don't get. she has SO many friends. i have how many? like not that much. i have our small group! besides that..........
i pretty much spend every day by myself in my room
except occasional random run ins. (including an svs)
she knows people i met before she did, and it's like they hang out all the time? and she hangs out with a lot of people all the time. that means every weekend it's a routine. that means with all these random social events that happened over the years and just come up in conversation (one time me and my friends went to this one place and did such and such that was fun).. because i'm so unsocial in comparison and don't have good friends to hang out with like she does. like.. i'll be in the lounge with the usual people who live on this hall, and they don't talk to me, but they talk to her.
i suck in every way. personality, likeability, worthiness of them to be my friend...
they just have their own great social groups and all the connections between those big social groups and
i never became a part of that in the fall of 2006.

why am i telling you this? i'm not mad at her! or at them. just, i resent my own unworthiness in comparison to the standard of normality placed on the whole of this dorm, and.. west campus. i hate that i have to be so abnormal in many ways on this "cool" backdrop... especially socially when i fail to meet the expectations of the international intellectual world. i'm kind of jealous that she gets such a basic need fulfilled that i struggle with so badly and everyone i wish would notice this seems to just be...
oblivious
next house as a whole feels like it's ostracized me in my own place that i live.
this includes... another example:
this one girl, who i don't really know but she is great. she's so nice, very pretty. and christian. yay. high class asian girl. we met in fpop and then she was in almost all of my classes in the first term. i thought we would be friends. every so often i tried to make conversation.
second semester (i think), i was sitting in 26 talking to another friend who i saw even less and was also in fpop and who was not in this cool girl's classes. but i should note that they are the same race. so the girl walks by as i sit and talk to my friend (who has never been in my classes, but she is more my friend, she has shown to not be judgmental in the same way) and the girl goes, hey guys! and we say hey blah blah. she asks my friend, hey we should eat lunch together sometime, i never see you anymore! shes like yeah, that would be great! etc etc etc.
it's hard to tell from the way i explained it, but considering the context we were each in at that point in time.... that was a reallyyyy awkward, surprising encounter for me. i was pretty shocked that she solely asked her to hang out while i had been through more with her than the other girl... i'm in no way putting down anyone or anything!! but i thought it was kind of frank that she excluded me out of the invitation. her reasons were apparently purely out of more interest for her than for me.. for whichever reason.. she knew me better than she knew her. even if she said, we should all eat lunch! and then it never happened, then fine whatever. but i've been made out to be at a level of worthiness that is definitely lower than my classmates. overall. because i'm undereducated, or being painfully shy as a kid made me too undesirable socially, or the things i like are disagreeable to other people. hmm... people just don't like me ><;;; what's wrong?!!!?!?!?!

yeah, i feel judged and feel like ive been discriminated against by a christian girl. who i totally respect... she's my same major but i'm not good enough to be any part of her life. she's involved in lots of stuff. very talented, respectable. i guess some of the high classers can't associate with the lower ones, which i can see. i can understand, not that it's ok with me.

i could confront her, but maybe it's not that important. maybe i'm just seeing it all wrong; she's never been outright bad to me. just subtle things spell out what she probably thinks of me. then i get bothered and feel so bad.......

how can i deserve anything................ if that's the case, why am i still here?

i resent my life... as usual, i can't wait for it to end. :)

__ are frustrating.

2007-12-09T21:44:00.000-05:00

i just got in a fight with someone. it wasn't so much a fight as... major dissonance and then he walked away. i think we disagree on some pretty important things.... but at the same time, we do agree. it just depends on the time of day. i prayed about it and God told me that with people... everyone naturally decides what to do to you based on what you give them. that could be: a good feeling from visual attractiveness, or maybe something about you--like you have glasses, makes you feel like you can relate to them one step further. perhaps they have had good experiences with certain races of people and that makes them feel more comfortable. whatever. it goes for what you give them visually, emotionally, socially, verbally, etc etc complicated others, and.. physically. the body *is* physical. so it matters a lot. but..... the reason some things don't happen is that God doesn't want us to feel unnecessary pain we put ourselves through. even if some things seem great, like drugs, they can have extremely damaging effects. later on.

(i'm hungryyy)

maybe i do care about this person a lot despite what they think of me now, but that means i have to go through lots of pain with them. -____- i resent that ><

hello

2007-11-29T21:08:00.001-05:00

hi everyone.

i'm so EXCITED for blogspot!!! :D
thanks yunji!!!! ^_____^

except i have to do work now, and stop procrastinating 7.03

and not stop until finals are over T___T

:(

****

OMG... 2.5 hrs later. esnips is so stupid. there doesnt exist online any copy of 'all we ever needed' as an mp3!!!! ><;;; its impossible for me to put it on this page. :( need to start hw need to start hw

v____v i will have to settle for 'paralyzer'.