a real blog post

something really amazing happened.

For all those infrequent occasions on which I would talk to God, and wish... ask... hope that He had someone in mind for me. a friend, I've always needed my friend.

In high school i sucked it up and waited it out, not having a best friend. it bored me and made me sad but my family was there, it was all right. i hoped my highest and naive hopes that when i came to college i would find that perfect person! and hopefully at the start.

Come 1, 2, 3 years of being in boston.... every one of ~680 people i met both here and at home (facebook friends), not one of them was my best friend. where were they?? >< through terrible desperate and lonely times i bumbled through life, sometimes seeking God and sometimes trying to figure things out for myself. Dramatic things happened, people and i were messed up - confused - angry - sad - hoping - excited - glad - relieved, every dramatic emotion there is. but nobody really really cared for me hour-by-hour, here so that i could live for them, so we could hang out. all the time. no one despite my desperation. =/

Okay, so anyhow... that's all the miserable part of my life years. and who's to say that it's not still all downhill from here, from my miracle childhood of constant happiness.... [sad nostalgia] but things-

have now changed. at MIT.

i thought, i knew.... from the time i looked at the guide book to the 11 dorms, that i'd find the one i really liked. Senior Haus! I really liked it. i wanted to live there. Parents knew better, parents said NO.

i was forbidden to be with people who potentially shared the same interests and personality style.

so i skipped around a few places and i thought i knew that i was doing the best i could.
finally i had strong feelings that i finally needed to be where i really wanted to be. so i moved out of the place from prisonary solitude and into the fiery pit of hope.
Hmmm... most of an academic year went by, and i hardly talked to anyone in this place. suitemates were nice, thankfully. then



Tuesday after my one 24.08 philosophy final:
i wandered around into the courtyard, where Paula C. with purple hair, a girl who's always nice to me, was hanging out. Chances are she or Dorota was tire-swinging. A cool thing to watch.
I sat on the cement willing to socialize for a change, to pass the time now that I was partially free, to try to meet just a few more people. I should have known so many more by now ><;;

Paula was there, and a boy with pinkish purple-faded hair. which seems to be often in his eyes. she introduces me to him... josh. and goes swinging. Alison comes by, paula's best friend/roommate, and they sit and talk. i just hang out. At some point we all get on the bench over by the wall to spy on Hockfield's backyard and some caterers are there for a dinner party. Hmmm.

finally, paula and alison wander off and another guy is in the courtyard, swinging and josh is talking to him. This is awkward, my friend is gone... but I want to talk to josh some more..... well, after mulling around a little aimlessly i go back inside to the lobby. Hmm, that black guy wearing a purple shirt against proposition 8 is here. he has rainbow suspenders and he was cracking his genuine whip out in the courtyard. now that he's on the computer i wander over and talk to him about his shirt. He says some random things.. then he walks away to go back outside. Uhhh... hmmmm...

I was left sitting on the couch as (stephen?) walks out, and josh wanders in.... i can tell from the past half an hour that he's a really nice and considerate person. he wouldn't leave anyone out, and he knows a bit what you're feeling. did he come in looking for me? this is awkward, im just sitting there. does he care?
"Hey -- hanging out?"
"uhh, I was talking to stephen but he just walked out... lol"
"oh. =)"

then we ended up talking. he likes to build things, while i'm a lazy bio major not really interested in knowing how things work but more about the ease of the course through memorization rather than genius smarts. this kid seems pretty smart.

Then we say bye, and I add him as a friend on facebook. ...... his name is "josh muffinator." a gmail search shows one of the few emails he sent to the house was interlaced with "muffins." huh? I ask him on facebook, and apparently he just really likes muffins, nothing else connotated by the word. =)
I say, if he really insists on liking them so much I will have to bake some for him! i admire people that have passion for something.

So a day later I grab muffin mix.

Another day later i tell daniela we have to bake them. I will give some to him and some to the hall before they leave.

But... seems I got too much mix and not enough cups or tins. I email out to the dorm and ask for them... of course josh has tons! So i go to get them from him (there's like 10 muffin trays in the drawer) and he offers to help.. "If you want to help me. =)" yay! now we get to bake together....

We start baking in 2nd ware and make the chocolate ones first. Then daniela comes in to help but accidents happen and then she leaves. so.. then we experiment with baking and add to the plain muffin mix (no canned cruddy blueberries) sprinkles, marshmallows, stale honeycomb cereal, cinnamon, and oregano.

Hmmm.. then we're pretty tired because we both like to sleep early so forfeit the chocolate chip/cornbread mixes.

While waiting on the oven we talk... a lot. =)

he doesn't drink
he doesn't smoke
he doesn't do drugs (he tried a couple but is done)
he almost would have been a virgin but for a regreful event and now is a celibate person.


Now, the chances of all of these things being true in Senior is small, but in the view of little faith common sense would say that there's probably a strong correlation between all those values- if you have some, you have the others. :) including being a morning person! which I really am at this point in life. XD

So we're done baking, cleaning up... I give him most of the leftovers which people haven't yet snatched up to pass out to people he knows.
it's sad to say bye...

but a while later i realize, i didn't save one for someone who gave me baking cups!! >< so i frantically go down the hall to find him. can't find him... paula calls him with a ring and he comes back, with... an empty tray... =/ but, he already gave one to the girl i owed. :) so we're set.
Not wanting to leave them, i follow paula and josh to wherever they may be destined. Don't know exactly what happened, but we ended up at Towers in dimitri's room and we watched as he worked his amazing 1948 ham radio which had many knobs on it and could catch frequencies from all over the world. =) so so cool.
And we watched his light display which lit up to the notes of the songs. =) relaxing...

Then we watched some of Mister Lonely... a very interesting movie.

hours later we went up to the rooftop to sit on a ledge beyond the railing and to look out on the city. me and josh talked.

and then the sky started to light up.... so we went inside. it was chilly!

By this early in the morning, we found that we had so much in common, and we could get along, and so many other things you just can't describe. <3 this boy was everything i wanted in a best friend

.... a bit of silence and awkward pause after we ran out of conversation in a random hallway, and..

"so.... i think i would like to be really good friends with you..."

what he said to me felt like a proposal from the person of my dreams. he did like me!! my heart jumped. i was so happy... "i really like hanging out with you too, i mean... as you know, in the 3 years of being here at MIT there just aren't people like you here..." it was hard to keep myself from crying.

we went upstairs to hang out some more until it was about 5 am. we had to sleep!

So i slept for 4 hours, and woke up from habitual earlyness... went to the anime convention and picked a cat for him. gigi from kiki's delivery service, $37. but so cute. he liked it X)

Came back, he was finally awake =) we hung out for like 4 more hours as he showed me his electronics projects... then i went bowling with absk significantly tired. but it was fun.

I got back at midnight and was happy that josh was still awake. i went upstairs to help him pack til about 3, then we had to go to sleep again.... (hate saying goodbye)

getting up 6 hours later we set back to work packing up his stuff. his parents came by at 1, after we'd wandered around outside... and packed everything.. put it in the basement. come 5 pm it was time for him to leave and i'd acquired a few bags of his stuff, so he can stay with me in july when he comes back so he doesn't have to pay rent! hurray for having a best friend roommate, i do hope!

Also on saturday we took a ride around on his bike (Star [simpson]'s bike), and it was amazing. i loved it, it was amazing. ly fun. :)

i also have been entrusted with gonga, a crazy huggable gorilla who has 3 holes in him, unfortunately. check my facebook pic. =]

All in all it was about 23 hours of hanging out in a span of less than 2 days. I had so much fun, i really like this person....


And i'm really happy. probably the happiest i have ever been at MIT. though i've adjusted to living alone and with occasional social contact, and staying sane with leo, i found the one i really wanted. what can i say to God?




Okay, well.... it's complicated that josh has to be a boy.

complicated.

but we've established that he has a longtime-gf, as in best friend since 7th grade and they are pretty much made for each other and share the same brain. Nobody can compete against that, but

I'm just glad i have a friend /here/ at mit and not in some other place away from me!!!! T____T we have so much in common it's great to hang out.

And leo has some qualities that josh doesn't, such as his ridiculously silly sense of humor or interest in other things.

But josh is motivated and interested in things, and he DOES stuff. lots of cool stuff. i love that.

I like paula and josh because they take imagination and curiosity seriously. =) that says a billion words about them and me liking them.




Sigh... now he's gone, back to NY... for many weeks... and i'm here alone to study up on bones and organs ...


i'm really happy..... next year is going to be amazing!!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3


btw, josh has very beautiful eyes. when they aren't behind his hair. =)

i love these lyrics

Everything's an act
When you're pleasing everyone.
And he assumes that role
To such renown.
He played a perfect part,
Straight from his heart
Knowing the risk he takes
And hoping that the house
Is not brought down.

The role of a lifetime is living a fantasy.
The trauma that you struggle to erase.
Thoughts battle words over deeds
A war with such casualties.
All played out behind a smiling face.

God, I need your guidance
Tell me what it means
To live a life where nothing's as it seems.
Spending days in silent fear,
And spending nights in lonely prayer.
Hoping that one day when you wake,
Those feelings won't be there.

So confused because I feel complete with him.
When we're alone it all somehow makes sense
Look into his eyes for some compromise
Remember the word "FORGET"
And try to bury something so intense.

You learn to play the same girl,
Your lines become routine.
Never really saying what you mean.
But I know the scene will change--
White picket fences, and a dog
A trophy bride, and children,
God, I know that's what he wants! ><

But [Jason] what role do I play,
Am I a savior or a phase?
Am I here to damn you?
Or to help you navigate this maze
Where confusion is a crime,
So you fill your life with sound,
And if you dance like hell,
You hope you'll never touch the ground...

What happens when the music stops?
In the silence will he stay?
One day you'll realize that these feelings
aren't going away,
So we drive ourselves insane,
Spinning circles in our souls,
As we dance around and   p l a y     p r e t e n d.

And once again.....
Reprise our roles

"see me" -- what if ?

Mother, I need to talk to you

Honey! I was just gonna call you

Theres something that you need to know

Gone a week, I miss you already

I'm just gonna spit it out...

How is school going?

You probably guessed it years ago.
Still, it's kind of hard to say

we're so excited about your applications.

It's something that I spent so long not saying....

I told your dad, he's cheering for you.

Sometimes it's on the tip of my tongue,
but only spoken.. aloud... alone... while I'm praying

I know you'll get in everywhere.

All I ask is an open mind

Um, perhaps now isn't the best time...

it's such a lonely bridge to cross

I'm taking a friend to lunch.

I've searched for answers on my own

She's so proud of you!

And find that I'm completely lost


Mom-- please, don't say anything else. just listen.
I don't know where to start.
I can't even get the words out..
it's like they're all jumbled together.
Mom, I love you, and--

Berkeley took their waiting list!
Didn't you apply?

Mom, please listen to me.

Where did Washington go? People will be disappointed.

Mom this important, mom you need to listen
please don't shut me out here, mom you need to see me...

Please, I'm so busy here-- let me call you later, dear.

God, this is so hard to say...
I'm so afraid you'll turn away
Mom, I--

Please, I need a break, whatever it is will have to wait.
I'm going to hang up now-- I really need to hang up now.

Don't hang up, this took such courage!
I'm dying here, I'm all alone...
Just let me tell you... Mom--

Please, I can't solve all your problems.

Mother you know nothing of them!
and I'm not expecting you to find solutions
Just to be my mom and my friend....

I assure you that I am in no state of mind to discuss anything right now.

I've been waiting to tell you this... since I....

I'm going to go now.

You don't want to hear me
Can't bear to think that....

Well, you tend to dramatize

And so do you, mother
Open your eyes

Please, I have to go now
I really need to go right now
I'll call you

When mom, when are you going to call?

Soon. This week, this weekend.

We can work this out together

Maybe before then you'll get it worked out.

This is always on my mind!

I have so much on my mind.

Please don't hang up....

I have to go.

please.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bKS_bXgUDo

wanting to die

i hate reaching this point

it comes around when all i want is an escape from the demands of reality and this permanent loneliness.

the ONLY WAY to reach SOMEONE is THROUGH A COMPUTER

i hate it


i hate this whole life

i really want to go to another country where everyone is poor but no one is tormented by the horror of having to live alone

i can't stand it and theres nothing i can do about it



except cry and try to wait until something happy comes along


i can only live vicariously through bare on youtube so many times, this is a limited exercise



and when i hate myself which is always that underlines the justification for my reasoning, and the conclusion i reach of the ultimate escape.

living if only to keep on watching the scenes over and over addicted to wisps of a promise that i knew was dead as soon as it started

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
but there is a birthday

SO WHAT

curse and swear, thats all you have left, thats what they did in the play

and hate society for leaving you alone like this

i am peter

                                          peter...... forgave God

i saw bare again last night

and this time i didn't cry. =)

i saw that, it really was just a sad story. and i picked up a few things that i missed the first time around.

it was a really awesome production with a good message that gay people shouldn't be discriminated against.


the first time around, i saw something different....
but i guess that's gone and done with now?
i'm thankful to God for providing me with an ear and some coping mechanisms...........

awaken into loneliness

i cried.

i cried and cried and i sobbed and then after it was over, i cried so much i couldnt stop. until now. or still crying

guess it must have been a good play, right?


i'm so confused. what am i SUPPOSED to feel?
did anyone else cry? probably not

every time they were together it broke my heart. it was just.. hmm... very sweet. how else to put it?


i can't even put this into words. random phrases of my emotions:
EVERYTHING IS SO ALONE
I JUST WANT TO DIE                 but not by the swine flu, i prefer immediately
WHY
I DONT GET IT         so whats the point.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN
BREAKING                           broken
OVER                                                                                                             forever

that's all i have to say.

bare was a good play.