backlog of statuses

6-11
please talk to me like a friend, not a preacher. that just made me say UGH.

6-15
agh just took the midterm DAT and FAILED on the chemistry, i need to study sooo much ><;;

6-20
my birthday was pretty good, i should start a new blog!! ^___-

6-23
omg just saw up with flo (sweet BU friend) and it was good!!

[ yeah so much for starting that blog]

today:
just bought a new CAMERA on ebay!!! woooo so excited, it's a canon sd1200, orange - flo showed me her old sd1000 and it's really awesome. i wanted to get a good, decent one so it cost $175 instead of ~100 for another cheapier model like samsung/nikon/kodak. plus, it's brand new - yesss


so, about starting that new blog.... hmmm... they say it's the way to promote your stuff on etsy. i've made time to make a couple of bears so far and a prototype loch ness monster that needs work but above all i need a camera to get things started.
that's what i tell myself.

right now i'm going crazy because i can't...
i can't get past this thing in life that perpetuates my soul with MEANINGLESSNESS.

there's no one here, ever, for the past 3 years, to be like: hey, remember that time when we did this :)

i am on the path to go through life shooting at whatever star i tell people i'm aiming for.

ALL I REALLY WANT is companionship. give me meaningful days, give me a life that's happy from one day to the next. that means something, that's worth my living breath on this earth.
because i don't see it.

and i keep on saying that i can't take it anymore but each step takes me further to the edge. i can't take it anymore. why am i living?

i've said this repeatedly since the early winter of 2006. i didn't get it.

i still don't get it, but... with maturity i find myself closer to the answer. and the answer is, if you don't like it, don't do it. i'm swearing to myself right now that i don't want to do anything, keep on doing anything-- that is so meaningless. i'm tired of this random random socialization, it serves purely as distration or lessons for life and it's hurting more than it is helping in the companionship department.

... well, i just called leo.. and he says that people fade away. everyone fades, but what you earn for yourself stays with you. so..... i guess i feel better. one step closer to cramming myself through the DAT.