Wednesday, February 27, 2008

emotional disturbance

i'm so vulnerable.

we are all sinners.


i'm studying: motivated, listening to my playlist on random.
i have lots of songs- songs from all different times in my life, from the britney spears/savage garden of elementary school to linkin park of middle school, and then the hip hop/r+b time period in 8th grade that includes some good songs. stuff thats nothing like nowday's hip hop song lists which just consist of hard core rapping and one or 2 catchy beats, but songs from j-lo and ja rule, ashanti/aaliyah from that time were different, and good.

like when i hear this song

link: 3LW - never get enough
[it wont let me embed the video -____-]

it makes me think of one person (who i haven't thought of much in the past couple of weeks) and being with him!

it's a good song, but... it really hits a rough part of my life. being with a guy. i don't need guys! but this song tells me that i do. :( people are controlled by their emotions........ right? they are a pretty strong influence, at least.

guys are no good though, i know that..... i do...
don't need a guy...................
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh


absence of a "need" --> minor, temporary form of 'suffering'? can you call it pain if you feel like it hurts?
am i just grumbling?

Friday, February 22, 2008

curse real thursdays

.... agh... anguish.. pain.. flashback...... intense... no....
why does my brain do this to me?! what am i going through???? why is it that
i play a song from this movie...... any one.... all of them incite this powerful feeling in me. such a happy memory, of a summertime, being with someone i really love. somebody who makes me so happy, the one person......
didn't i get over this? :'(

so much that i don't like listening to any songs that remind me of him, i don't. but then what happens? i stumble across a random thing in my life, and WHAM-- i get hit with this big dose of happiness memory. i don't get reminded of happy times of school, or not really ever with friends. always this kid. never ex boyfriends-not really ever, (not good memories at least) but..

he gave me this movie for my birthday. i should have it here with me.....

why
why why why so powerful
why does it always come back?
.......
in the rain.

even if i got married, i

i couldn't break away from that intense emotional pain.. INTENSE..

.......
what do i do?


oh, i'm so sad
so sad......................
what if i wanted to cry over this


oh, dreadful question: what will happen?


i just tell God... ask him why does it always hurt so much...
why is there no one else like this person?


song =

memories::
SUMMER!
night time, air conditioning.
so cold, so warm!
i wish, i love
i stay awake
reach out, and
am eternally happy
for limited moments.



WHY???????




i can give you one word for all of these pungent artifacts i experience:
saturated.
need more?
ecstasy.

if you know what ecstasy is, you know you want it- like a drug. nothing but it, nothing but to savor, savor the MAXimum. nothing less.

i...
love..
my...............















memories.



how depressing!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

thursday the 21st

so.... frustrated.... tired....... ready to give in. why is it so hard to be loveable? or what i mean is-- to be loved? if you really love someone, you don't forget about them. you don't neglect them, or leave them to.... shiny devices, do you?

i can turn to art to help my problems go away. but art isn't a solution, because i'm always faced with the same problem. if i'd found a solution, i wouldn't be having this problem now. if i had a solved problem, i'd be craving to do art anyway.

i like.... decoration. red, pale.

it was really cold tonight. i left next at 9, watched the eclipse from the courtyard. 2 hours later, i headed back. really, really cold. the only jacket i had on was one black one. being numb helped the pain temporarily...
the heater in lobby 7 made me feel better. i'm still cold, i want to take a shower.



now, what does it take to be broken...?
God is the solution.




***

although... my nose is really sore now from 3 days straight of kleenex.

it's my fault because i give up on trying to love people who i don't think will love me back.
and those who i think might... i've tried so many times already, tried so hard. what have i ended up with?
every time i get closer and closer, so much more inspired... to give up.

that if we live on a planet with population: one person, it's better to die to be with someone than to have the joy of one self.
it's better to be in anguished pain than to end up in that situation. so if you think more of one hurt, maybe... maybe you can forget about the other.
that means
if it's physical- think about people who care. who are they? they matter more than you do. it'll be all right.
if it's emotional....

a black hole?
no such luck, kid.


i'm not made for MIT: i can't learn to make robots, and i can't learn to be a robot.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Tokio Hotel Concert: NYC trip!!

blogtime!!

here's what happened in the past 2 days of a wonderful but tiring trip..... (if the pictures are blurry, just right click and go view picture)

sunday:
got up at 8:30, showered, packed for the trip- that included homework for the bus due on tuesday! got our show tickets ready, put my boots on, rode over to student center to get ample cash and breakfast. (that wasn't easy in boots). then i headed over to senior house.
~10, banged down farre's door. she got so scared!! X| but after some scramble-packing we were able to get out by 11 and print out the greyhound tickets. we dragged our things over to the T and as we got there, the subway left... but that was just a foreshadowing of things to come.
we then arrived at south station, which is HUGE, and lined up to catch our 12:00 bus. when we boarded, we had every intention of doing work.... like when farre took out her computer! but, since there wasn't any internet, she couldn't submit her mastering physics =/ so she played some really pretty galaxy game for the xbox XD it's a paranoia game, (to me) but has amazing graphics. then she started up the sims movie-making demo. it was so cool! you're the owner of a production company starting out in the 1920s, and you can decide what buildings to have on your lot for movie making, like an actor's school, scriptwriting place, and stages, etc. then you tell the writers what genre to write up, and you hire the actors, direct the movies, keep the people happy. and, if you keep playing, you can go into the 2000s! :D the first film we made was REALLY funny... it was a romance genre. since we started in the silent film era, movies are about 3-4 scenes long and you have a couple of options for the actors in each scene, plus the choice of background. i thought that we had a girl and a guy cast for the movie, but... it played out with 2 guys (!!) lol. and the short film is so random and ridiculous with the ugly people in the first place it was just that much funnier. the next 2 movies we made weren't so great and didn't score so well either.

but then her computer died :( so... we talked, and went to sleep. and arrived in NY ~ 4:30. the first thing we did was head over to aunt mary's house, on 466 classon ave. getting there wasn't too bad... we took the blue line from port authority to hoyt schermeron, then classon ave. it was about a ten minute walk along some really quiet streets lined with the NY-style homes or apartment-like homes that all had very vertical walls and were narrow widthwise. but aunt mary's house was the prettiest on the street, inside and out. i guessed it is worth a million dollars! especially with their furnishings... =)

aunt mary is the best, she cooked us up a dinner of turkey, chicken, green beans, stuffing, potato salad and more... but not before we snacked on yummy muscarine grape juice (from arkansas) with cheese, crackers, and chips! and we got to watch cartoons ^___^ what a rarity at school, sigh...



those are such pretty, big wine glasses!


=) there's uncle paul, just home from work after driving a bus around all day.

aunt mary was so nice, we were thanking her for everything and she just said, no, no you're at home here.......if you guys don't be quiet, ima throw you out right now!

farre's distant cousin Sterling came over too, and he's in 5th grade. he's really mature, and i know he wanted to spend time with farre... but unfortunately, it was sad that we just didn't have a lot of time to hang around =(

so after they got a bedroom all ready for us, we headed out on the town again ~ 8:30.


we stepped outside of the subway, and you seriously couldn't tell it was nighttime!!! it looked like a cloudy day, or at least like it was just turning to dusk... everything was SO bright.


.... how do they get those huge ads up??


oh no!! the sanrio store closed at ten already... we'll be back!


a quick stop at the quiksilver store... we were taking pictures, and this guy who worked there came to pose! XD he was really cool, we talked about concerts and going to art school, how he even auditioned for a band (vocals) and was accepted, but he rejected them. (!)



times square!! X)


omg... we spent more than an hour in the virgin megastore. !!! and found a table of tokidoki merch!!! ^____^


what a CUUUUTE sweater!! only $80!! x____X

i bought this shirt :D

♥♥ 30$, not bad for a shirt!



oooh candy shop that we didn't have time to stop in, as we were walking the wrong way away from times sq to try to find pinkberry's....

after all that, we headed home and got back around midnight. we got ready to sleep, and crashed on a really, really, nice comfy bed!! ^___^


all dressed up just before the concert :P

so we turned out the lights around 1...

and soon enough, i got up ~ 8:30 and showered. we were planning to head out by 10, but aunt mary wanted to make us breakfast... she did, and it was soooo good!! mmmm the best biscuits i ever had, sausage, and she made oatmeal specially for me... grits for fayefaye... with tea + coffee. it was great. X) too bad i didn't catch a picture of aunt mary :'(

well, we ended up heading out around 11... destination: hot topic in queens. it took much scrambling around on the subway- jumping on the wrong train, missing a stop since it had a different name, and trying to get from the express line to local with ample waiting time in between. so many times we'd just miss the subway!!! =/ but we managed to get there... around 12:00? we got out at the woodhaven stop, and emerged to find a huuuge mall. we walked around spencers, which has been gone from many a place..... and got to HT!! ^___^ yay. we checked out every corner of that store and got some good deals, and finally around maybe 2ish we ran out to the subway again. back to times sq, which took more time, and got there at... 3ish? we hurried through the small sanrio store that unfortunately didn't seem to have a whole lot of stuff... and ran back to go home again. it was a miracle that we made it back around 3:30. but we had to be ready and out by 4 to get to the concert 2 hrs early!! the ticket read 6:30, at least. so we made it, as aunt mary packed us up bags and bags of food and we managed to stuff all our things together in our bags. it was sad though, farre promised sterling a game of scrabble which he really likes... but we just didn't have a chance =/

so for the last time, we were on the road again... in search of "the fillmore at irving plaza." my little google map printout gave like 3-4 places around union sq that could be irving plaza. so i suggested we go directly to union sq on the line we were on, rather than go all the way back to port authority/times and then jump on other lines. so, we tried that... looked for a 'fulton sq'... and many stops passed by. ....we missed it? oh no- it was called something else!!!! ><;; argh. well, we could cut across the city horizontally by the L line which went to union, luckily. except we just missed that one too. so we got off that subway, turned around to get on another one... poor farre was dragging her heavy suitcase up and down stairs... and we finally made it to union sq. but... where was this place? we walked down the street... no signs of anything. it was getting really late by now, so we just called a taxi and asked to go there. he wasn't too sure what we meant, but he went down the street and turned a corner... and there was a big line of people!! yup, that was it. the taxi guy was nice and didn't charge us. but there was no way we couldve found that by ourselves. so we got into this huge line... which in actuality started not at the block corner, but at the other corner >/ ugh. i bet a lot of them were just rich kids going to see the next cool concert. who knows how long people had been there?

well, we waited in line.... and waited.... and it rained..... and the old nice asian lady with the girls in front of us who had pretty features and wore black, and all spoke french lent us her umbrella. even all the kids before us had their parents going out to buy food for them. -___- well, dragging along all our luggage we waited there... and they finally opened the doors at 7, not 6:30. but the line moved slowly. cameras panned the crowd with a bright light and girls screamed..... and eventually we got there!! X) soooo exciting.... we checked in our heaps of bags and coats, went to the bathroom, and went upstairs. OMGitwassocrowded!!! =/ but... all i wanted was to get close. so we held tight to not get separated, and i managed to nudge my way past people... pretty slowly...... but person by person we pushed through..... at first, one witchy emo girl had so much attitude: you should just give up, you're not getting through. just stand back. psh stupid girl i just looked at her. she made me mad- i didn't know what to do. i shouldve happily said, you know what? Jesus loves you. =) then she would have been soooo mad heheh. but i pushed and pushed... leaned forward..... in a miserable mass of crowded bodies with pressure not letting up from all sides..... =/ waited and waited for the concert to start.... and of course, got way farther up than that angry girl.


we are so ready!!! ^___^

finally, it started!! :D at 8. woooo but then it was really chaos. we were about in the middle of the crowd at this point..... not close enough! as you can see: (but considerably close)

omgggg that was just so incredible, getting to see them in real life!! ^___^ although... it was really hard to enjoy in the environment. X|


woooo.... he's got a cool shirt on as always :) yahay


i really enjoy these pictures now, but... back in the crowd, the air was closing in. girls had their poofy jackets on (!!!) and at one time poor farre got pushed over.. but she was ok. her contact got knocked out in the beginning by some girl's arm, i didn't even know! =(
people's things were on the ground, mystery things. and with people at all sides the only thing you can possibly do is move with the crowd... they lean one way, so do you. but your feet don't move, unless everyone else's feet move. X|


the music.. i recognized all the songs =) but i sang minimally at first.. and then none. after a point, the only thing you could really care about is breathing. seriously. just keep breathing, there is still air. even if you can't move your arms, the only way to wipe the sweat off your face is on the person in front of you's clothes. arms are flying around over your head.... some girl shoved my hair clip down and that was the total end of my hair. :( bad idea to put it in a clip in the first place!! i kept trying to fix it but the big mass got worse and worse and ended up in a dread. -___- it's still tangled today :(


ICH BIN IN IHN VERLIEBT!!!!



they just kept singin and singin..... sang rette mich... and i got to a point where i completely agreed... i think many, most around me felt it too... just save us x___x we aren't animals being herded for veal.... we need decent space... a few times i tried to just open up my arms to push everyone away for a little air. and i gave up on the fat girl in front of me, i moved around the side to still try to get in front..... i just wanted to get up there so i could breathe!!! ahhhhhhhh so bad


it was kind of sad that we couldn't really hear the music... most all the time it was only emo girls singing. =( sighhhh..... and if he said anything, you couldn't hear it as people screamed.


but at long last, they sang 'durch den monsun' (they did through the monsoon somewhere in the middle) and that was it. a great ending to the song, and it was like YES... finally over! we can move again! we can breathe!!! whew.... we stumbled down the stairs, went into the bathroom. it was 9:00. water... was so good. our clothes were totally soaked!! hair a mess, thirsty... bleh. we got our bags back and changed shirts. even my arms were coated in a mixture of hair, fuzz, etc....
out of the bathroom, we wandered around looking for a place to buy merch (how could you leave without it!) and found a tub of red apples... (apples are SO good!!) mmm and the coat lady said there was a table upstairs at some point. i went up and saw a big crowd of people, but wasn't sure if they were waiting for the band to come out or what. farre went around the side of the crowd, right up to the guy, and we bought shirts ^___^ hehe

we each got this one (20$)

yay! its a youth large but it fits good.

so.... after that, we went outside again.... to find a starbucks that hopefully had free internet, so we could find pinkberry. we were in luck around a couple of corners with the starbucks, but no such with internet. =/ so... i had water, fayefaye got iced coffee.... (it was crowded in there, we just shared a chair) and we were off again. so tired.... exhausted....

since i had the addresses of a few pinkberrys, we guessed the closest one and got a cab. (cabs are GREAT.) omg, especially in new york-- they have a GPS system with a map that shows you exactly where you are and where you've been. very cool ^___^

all i know is... we were soooo tired!! but we found the cute shop, shared a yogurt with granola and mango. =)


the place looked something like this.


mmmm!!! :) something like that too.

then around 10 we gathered up all our bags again and caught another cab to st. mark's st, where there are lots of japanese restaurants. and luckily all these places weren't too far, all less than 10$ to get there!

we found what we were looking for -- a place called kenka!! :D


the inside of the restaurant:


and this is exactly what i ate!


fayefaye had pork gyoza, rice, miso soup, edamame... it was all SOOO good. and cheap! :) i drank lots of tea too. except.... the waiter said that the restaurant's minimum was 6.50 per person, while my ramen was only 5 -_____- so... he just added the difference. oh well. then around 11:30ish we had to head out again... but not before getting some 'free'


cotton candy!!!! :) :) :) ok, that's not us... but so sad, my camera wouldn't turn on after the concert X|;;;;;;; ugh. that was scary, i hoped it wasn't broken from being smashed between people while hanging from my wrist...............

so then... dragging all our stuff with us, we caught one last cab to port authority station. we went inside, downstairs, there were a bunch of bus stops... "which one goes to boston @ 12:00?" "which bus are you taking.." by this time it was about 11:55 or so. "greyhound?" "oh no, that's in the other building." (WHAT!!?!) ohhhh man. we were so tired already, we couldnt miss this!! this black guy said, oh you won't make it if you go that way. come, follow me. he took farre's suitcase and went out the door to the underground parking lot with all the buses. we walked around the corner and there were more buses. he said, 'just follow me, i know where i'm goin. now i don't take no 1 or 2$ tips now, i'm talkin' bout ten dollas. no dolla bills now, that ain't what i accept.' blah blah... ok, we thought he was joking. then we got to the greyhound station. he said, now wheres my ten dollars.... aghhh he was serious -___- so i got my wallet out and luckily i had a ten! and a few ones =/ so yeah. then we went inside. and got in line. but... the headline above the door said... 12:30??!?? it was 12 already and nothing was happening. ohhhh gosh.... we did all that and still had to wait half an hr!!!! agh. we were so tired of carrying all this too. backpack, suitcase, i had my boots in a bag, plus the duffle of food....... 2 purses... it was a lot. so we chatted with this lady in line with us who said she was from NY but moved to boston. she just broke up with her jerk bf who'd lied to her about cheating, wrote a bad apology, did all kinds of stupid things. i said good for her, guys are so dumb. she said they'd been together 2 years =/ that mustve been tough. then we talked about the city of boston and how it's so low-key and smallish compared to NY... we've got newbury st, but thats as exciting as it gets.. prudential is expensive, and it's also all the same. people in NYC are all so different, there's lots of unique people you see walking around. and in boston, everything closes when it closes. in NY, places are always open!

... anyhow. a bus came, all the 'priority' people boarded and a few regulars. by this time, the line was soooo long behind us!! good thing we'd thought it was a 12:00 bus... although we didn't have to take the shortcut. -____- but still, ..... well the first bus filled up (and who knows how they got priority, or what it even means... all the seats are the same!) so we had to wait for a second bus. and we were like third in line for that one, good thing. we got on, so tired..... and it finally left ~1. we tried to sleep but my nose hurt from the air and it wasn't too comfortable :( kept waking up...


at 4:30 we got to south station in boston. so sleepy... found our way to above the subway area (which involved going outside, it was FREEZING cus we were wet still) ...went to the bathroom.... at 5, we went downstairs. subway? i was so sure i heard it coming, but that looming sound was continuous :( it was like a constant almost-here.



so, so tired... waiting for the subway... (YAY, my camera works again!! whew)

.... 5:15 maybe? 5:20. no, nothing came til 5:30. you couldn't actually hear it until you saw it. and the subway was almost full!!! (??) man! i wouldve been surprised if 2 people were on it. but no. i guess everyone goes to work on it. which is so sad, since we hadn't really even slept yet.... with all our stuff....... rode on home to kendall....... that ride was really quick too, compared to NY. it had usually taken us ~45 mins to get anywhere.

we got off, started toward senior house.... so tired.... and really cold.... its a good thing that dorm is so close. and also good that the security guard was nice, since farre had lost her ID and it was 6 in the morning...... i'd asked tim to wake up to let us in but we didn't have to.

i got all my stuff together, said bye and rode home on my bike (it was really cold -___-) and checked my email on athena since seng had my computer for fixing.... and saw that my 7.02 paper intro was due at 11!!! i had 7.05 at 930-11. miserable... plus, i didnt feel good... i just had to shower! well i did that first. and wanted to sleep..... anyhow, the work/stress is a different story.... but...

that next day (yesterday) we went through the day sick and sleepy... i took a 3 hr nap and felt worse. ate ramen for dinner... struggled through 6.00 pset to turn in at midnight... and by now it's the end of the important story.

but MIT keeps going...... hopefully we'll find another break this semester to get back to NYC to have a great time again!! ^____^

**i have to sincerely thank farre for taking me to NY to see my favorite band in the whole world, also her family for hosting us... but especially her for endearing through all the tiring adventures and confusing subway rides. we spent half the trip in the subway!**




speaking of, i took this video sometime on a long ride:

(oops, i also uploaded the video at http://youtube.com/watch?v=KL6_b8ABTiQ)

and afterward we each gave them 2$. i asked that little boy in white how old they were and he didn't want to answer me... but he said that he was 8 years old and the other boy was 13. then the older boy scolded him for telling people, because they probably couldn't be doing what they were.... but poor kids! we wondered if they had a home, or if their parents worked hard jobs (this was late at night, like midnight time) but either way their parents definitely weren't looking after them enough. =/

***edit

OMG, yunji sent me this article ^____^

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/20/arts/music/20toki.html?ex=1204174800&en=f9e34012443ddbea&ei=5070&emc=eta1

hah another news thing-- i was there!! ^___^

http://www.nypost.com/video/?vxSiteId=0db7b365-a288-4708-857b-8bdb545cbd0f&vxChannel=NY%20Post&vxClipId=1458_241478&vxBitrate=300


P.S. why do i even like this band? check out this video: (my favorite - spring nicht)

heres the german version with english song, which i think is the best


this is the official english version, which is different than german (and i think not as good because it has less feeling- they dont show him singing as much).