the engine, motivation

it is especially ridiculous and unnecessary that my mother hands out gold stars and praises to GOOD GRADES.

my happiness and fulfillment of needs is on a lower par
than the achievement of GOOD GRADES regardless of how i do it or what it takes to get there.

i can earn GOOD GRADES without learning the material. i still don't really know what chemistry is. formulaically answering problems. i have no real world skills.

mom, i'm not happy here and life is miserable and i'm not reallyACTually learning anytihng.
it's okay honey, just get GOOD GRADES and i will be so proud of you and it will make me happy.

if you do things that express how you feel and your emotions come out less than basic satisfaction, i will be thoroughly disappointed in you.

do not waste your time gaming, partying, socializing, do not have ample fun. find theBALANCE. get those good grades. awww, you got a B ... well shucks, what can you do better next time? how can you do better? that just isn't good enough, i am so disappointed, hun. hmmm.

well mom, i was trying my best while still trying to keep myself alive and with the minimum level of happiness required to still be alive. [why do grades even have to matter so much]
well tiff, just do whatever you need to do to do better. go talk to the teacher! can't you study with someone else? oh, that person is smart? study with them!!!

stfu. leave me alone. dame it, i hate you. hate this. stop it. i hate learning. go away.