don't want to write about bicycle thieves

...cus there's too much to write.


omg i think this is the 34th time i've heard *today* nichole nordeman's LEGACY. help!!!! ><;;; i already overplayed that song to myself and i've had enough T_____T it started this morning on repeat from corinna's room, then continued in the afternoon with the a capella version, then after dinner she played the song while tiff tried to guitar it and esther sang... then corinna left, and ana came to the lounge and started playing it... now corinna is BACK playing the song!!! ohhhmggggggg wtf YOU GUYS!!! why am i still in this lounge X| it bugs me a lot but not enough... i have to write this paper so i can go to sleep...... which won't happen in my room... >/ disdain resentment anger annoyance grudges grief!!! :(

repentance T___T there are worser fates. :/
"don't mind if you got something nice to say about"
35..36... my eye is starting to hurt from this song
TEMPORARY TRAPPINGS OF THIS WORLD!

** oops... it stopped a while ago
an hour later, it's back again..
and an hour later, back again...
.... and back again.....

this has become one of those songs i really don't like. like i DON'T like jack johnson. :(



warning: the following passage is kind of explicit. but my excuse is that i should just be like peter and say the truth of what i feel so i can be rebuked, and my insides can be fixed. i started it, but i don't want to feel this way :(
-------------------------------------------------

one of the people i know... i just don't get. she has SO many friends. i have how many? like not that much. i have our small group! besides that..........
i pretty much spend every day by myself in my room
except occasional random run ins. (including an svs)
she knows people i met before she did, and it's like they hang out all the time? and she hangs out with a lot of people all the time. that means every weekend it's a routine. that means with all these random social events that happened over the years and just come up in conversation (one time me and my friends went to this one place and did such and such that was fun).. because i'm so unsocial in comparison and don't have good friends to hang out with like she does. like.. i'll be in the lounge with the usual people who live on this hall, and they don't talk to me, but they talk to her.
i suck in every way. personality, likeability, worthiness of them to be my friend...
they just have their own great social groups and all the connections between those big social groups and
i never became a part of that in the fall of 2006.

why am i telling you this? i'm not mad at her! or at them. just, i resent my own unworthiness in comparison to the standard of normality placed on the whole of this dorm, and.. west campus. i hate that i have to be so abnormal in many ways on this "cool" backdrop... especially socially when i fail to meet the expectations of the international intellectual world. i'm kind of jealous that she gets such a basic need fulfilled that i struggle with so badly and everyone i wish would notice this seems to just be...
oblivious
next house as a whole feels like it's ostracized me in my own place that i live.
this includes... another example:
this one girl, who i don't really know but she is great. she's so nice, very pretty. and christian. yay. high class asian girl. we met in fpop and then she was in almost all of my classes in the first term. i thought we would be friends. every so often i tried to make conversation.
second semester (i think), i was sitting in 26 talking to another friend who i saw even less and was also in fpop and who was not in this cool girl's classes. but i should note that they are the same race. so the girl walks by as i sit and talk to my friend (who has never been in my classes, but she is more my friend, she has shown to not be judgmental in the same way) and the girl goes, hey guys! and we say hey blah blah. she asks my friend, hey we should eat lunch together sometime, i never see you anymore! shes like yeah, that would be great! etc etc etc.
it's hard to tell from the way i explained it, but considering the context we were each in at that point in time.... that was a reallyyyy awkward, surprising encounter for me. i was pretty shocked that she solely asked her to hang out while i had been through more with her than the other girl... i'm in no way putting down anyone or anything!! but i thought it was kind of frank that she excluded me out of the invitation. her reasons were apparently purely out of more interest for her than for me.. for whichever reason.. she knew me better than she knew her. even if she said, we should all eat lunch! and then it never happened, then fine whatever. but i've been made out to be at a level of worthiness that is definitely lower than my classmates. overall. because i'm undereducated, or being painfully shy as a kid made me too undesirable socially, or the things i like are disagreeable to other people. hmm... people just don't like me ><;;; what's wrong?!!!?!?!?!

yeah, i feel judged and feel like ive been discriminated against by a christian girl. who i totally respect... she's my same major but i'm not good enough to be any part of her life. she's involved in lots of stuff. very talented, respectable. i guess some of the high classers can't associate with the lower ones, which i can see. i can understand, not that it's ok with me.

i could confront her, but maybe it's not that important. maybe i'm just seeing it all wrong; she's never been outright bad to me. just subtle things spell out what she probably thinks of me. then i get bothered and feel so bad.......

how can i deserve anything................ if that's the case, why am i still here?

i resent my life... as usual, i can't wait for it to end. :)